Adventures of an Ordinary Christian

Grumbles and Cries

2009-02-07T15:43:00.000-08:00

I apologize for the lack of clarity in this email, but this is what I think is going on for me and hopefully it isn’t indulgent for me to elaborate upon it but is helpful. I know it will be helpful for me. I think that God has caused a situation that I cry out to God and grumble to Him. That is not hard for God to do and it is surprisingly easy and is really humbling actually. God just pulls back and I become as my nature would suggest. But I try to stay faithful and that is some of the testing and proving of what is there.

Then in that condition of lack and need, God will provide what I need. In Exodus, God differentiated between the livestock of the children of Israel and the livestock of Pharaoh and the Egyptians. I don’t have a cow or goat or sheep. If I had a goat as food I would probably starve. A goat doesn’t have any practical purpose to me. For the Israelites, the goat represented their livelihood. I actually sort of need a cell phone, for example and not a sheep. Now, I don’t need a cell phone and the Israelites don’t need a goat or bread either. “Man does not live on bread alone but on every word that proceeds from the mouth of God.” But what has God called them to do and what has God called me to do? The question is, if God has called one of His children to do something, when there is a judgment against unbelievers to show that He is God, is He going to provide for my basic needs to carry out that which God has called me to do? Will He say, “Go be a shepherd but I am going to kill your livestock. Ha, ha.” In terms of the grumbling by the Israelites, technically, that was later after the time of judgment to Pharaoh and after the Lord ruined the Eyptian livestock. The grumbled in the wilderness when there was no food (to start). It was a time of God revealing Himself to His people of Israel.

So the lack of food was to reveal Himself to His children as He wants Him to know Him. “Know that I am the LORD.” And also to show who they are. When He fed them food, then they knew who He is and Who they are.

For me, when God hears me in my state of grumbling and crying out (I’m having trouble telling if I am grumbling or crying out, but I think that there is at least a little grumbling involved, from time to time, or has been). When God hears me, He will show Who He is by providing the need and in providing the need I come to know who I am in His purposes and who He is as the Creator and Provider of that.

18 months ago when I was at a conference, there was a prayer and the speaker asked something like what limited you from fully following God’s will for your life. I opened up my heart to Him and asked that He show me what was the answer. I figured that He would show me some sin or real limitation like some sort of embarrassing personal flaw. I was actually relieved when to my mind I thought, a thought that was something like, “To believe that God would do all He wanted through me in psychiatry.” That is, that He would use me.

Well, it was a relief because it wasn’t an answer I feared, like, “you’re just a big sinner,” but was kind of exciting and also anti-climatic.

However, today and yesterday as I have been struggling with some needs I have that have brought me to the place of grumbling or crying out to God, I think that the issue is not actually, well, in the Israelites case, provide food, but the issue is, “Will I be changed personally and in my DNA, in the core of who I am to believe that God will provide for anything that I need to become all that He would like to do in my life?” Is God going to say, “You’re a shepherd” and kill my livestock? Is God going to say, “Follow Me into the wilderness and I am going to laugh as you have no food.” Is God going to say, “I want you and I have called you to this really unusual ministry and now I am going to undercut it by delivering a life-blow to it?

I don’t care about psychiatry, I think you know that. What is important is not the job or the fact that there are goats or sheep. The importance is, “Is God my Provider? He is, “The LORD is my Banner?” Is He, “The LORD is my Healer?” Who is He? What is the role that He wants me to do? The issue is, is He going to come through?

And speaking on that, God, in His position of advantage, He is able to just wait until I finally reach the end of myself. And that happens the second He pulls a little bit back with His grace and there I am, wiped out. Then He suggests, in concept, “See, don’t think it’s your faith. It’s my hand, not your faith, not what you can do or have done.” Yet at the same time He suggests, “Hang on! “ and strengthens my faith. But that is not surprising because that is what He does. Two opposing things at the same time. All Him and yet somehow finds something for which will one day reward me.

Getting back to the need. The need for food and water, the need for shelter and livestock, If it isn’t about God simply providing the need but about revealing WHO HE is and about bringing His children into a new level of understanding WHO He is and who I am in light of it, then not only will He provide the immediate need, but He will provide the future inheritance.

So the children need to see and learn and we need to see and learn and know, that God, my banner, my healer my provider, will supply the immediate need and He will feed me and He will feed me because He is going to do all He wants in my life. And for me, as far as I can tell, is that HE has called me in a certain way, to do a certain thing in this area of “Egypt” in psychiatry. (It is painful to even suggest, like I am trying to gain some position or position in Egypt, in the world, like who cares about psychiatry, about dispensing what the world sees as mental health. But It isn’t about that, and there’s the rub and there’s the truth of what God said before 18 months ago. Will you believe Me that I can use you in this area of psychiatry?

So I groan, God, I need a cell phone to do my job. I need a list of twenty items yesterday that I wrote on a prayer list that I couldn’t believe all of it that no wonder I was feeling bogged down. And I can’t even pray about those things anymore because my heart was not able to pray anymore about them without being hard because it was broken in that it was unable. Unable to ask God about these things in a manner that was appropriate and there God showed the limits of my heart. “See that is the condition of your heart,” (not His actual words but that is what I got out of it).

So I am in a worse condition that I already knew how bad the condition is. So it is hopeless. I can’t even pray or ask anymore so I was just like separated from the issues because I couldn’t even pray, but I knew God knew and I had to leave it at His feet and just guard my heart to protect it from being hard and had to forget about the rest.

So, the end of myself. Stuck. And that is what the condition was when Moses cried out to God and the people were grumbling, and I grumbled and I cried out. And the verses in the Bible said, to paraphrase, that when God fed them, then He know He was God. But the lesson, to “Know I Am the Lord” when He feeds us is not, “thanks for the food” but if God is providing bread from heaven (and The Bread from heaven) then He has called you to the job He has called you and He will provide everything that you need for that.

He will provide all that you need, not only to eat but to carry out everything that He calls you to do. He will not abandon you. He will not lead you somewhere and then leave. It isn’t about the food or the uncomfortable hunger. It is about God calling each of us into a plan He has for each of us and we need to do it.

It is about coming to a knowledge of the truth that when you go up to a giant who is 8 feet tall, you know Who your God is and who know who you are. When you come into a kingdom that was prepared for you and you have been groomed for your whole life (David) then you know who you are. You can say and know that God is your God and He will provide everything that you need. You really know, because He fed you bread from heaven.

So this is the struggle and the lesson. Abide in this or just harden the heart, which is not only not difficult to do but impossible for some of us. But I love Jude that says, “He is able to present you pure and holy before His throne “Now to Him Who is able to keep you from falling and to present you pure and spotless before His holy throne.” You know, not to talk about theology controversies, and I don’t really care that much what other people believe, but I rest on the fact that He will never let me go and I have no confidence to keep myself in Him because I can not rest in that. I can however rest in the knowledge that He will provide everything I need, from simple faith to food to a cell phone and whether or not I have a cell phone or a goat today, and how long he streatches me out until He shows all my grumbling, and I cry out and know, He is faithful. He is faithful and though I may stumble seven times, I will rise again and I will do and carry out all He wants me to do and it isn’t for psychiatry per say. But it is a menas by which actually He is causing me to be in the position in my family that He wants me to be in, which is actually dependent upon my husband in a way that is uncomfortable for me and allowing the circumstance such that God is dealing directly with my husband. So the point is that it isn’t just some vague psychiatric position that God will one day bring me into, whatever that may be and whenever, but God has higher purposes. So it may look like goats and bread but it is following and walking in the promises of God.

The Enduring Tree

2009-01-24T07:56:00.001-08:00

As I lay myself before the Lord and give everything to Him
And out of my mouth
Comes the words to the song
Along with the man who sings,
“I surrender all”
And “All I need is you.”
And the truth is there that shows me
There is more I want than only You
And I’m grateful for those things too
The warmth of my coat
That I am not on the ground
Alone and cold
Out in the rain
With no clothes to wear
And no one to care
And I’m thankful for my home full of life
And a fulfilled destiny for each one of them
As you love them like You love me
And forever You will be with my family.
So my motives are mixed
They are not for You alone
Because actually what I deserve is
The cold and the rain
Indeed, with each thought I think that contradicts your ways
With each glace to the desires of my flesh that I want to sustain
Yes, You know I’m a sinner
And You know my ways
My leanings and my longings.
But the state of Your mercy
And the state of Your grace
Looks upon my heap of dust
The elements from which I am made
And You draw near
And Your gentleness makes me great
And You’ve given me a name
Because You love me.
So Lord, the song I sing
Is, “Yes I want You
But thank you
That You provide my needs.”
You’ve given me a place to stand
You’ve given me a rest from my striving
And a dignity of life
That You will never take away.
So I can stand tall
I am not just a sinner
But a sinner saved!
I am not just in need of redemption
But I have been redeemed!
And yes,
I am my Savior’s child
The one He bled and gave Himself up for
Because He has pity on me
And will never leave me on my own.
The Lord knows my mixed state
The iron mixed with clay
The dirt and the heavenly
He knows that in my purity
I am still not pure in myself
Because I am bound with my flesh
But my God has made me great
And I shall stand tall in Him!
I will run and not grow weary
I will run and not give in to faint
The Lord will be my right guard
And He will sustain and carry me
All of my days.
I will glorify Him
From the beginning to the end
As He turns everything for good
And all of my days
I will bear fruit
Like a tree planted by the water
I will drink from the Vine of the River of Life
I will be strong as a tree that He has made of me
The enduring tree that bears His fruit in season and out
Ready and able to fulfill
All the plans He has for me.
So I will not hold my head anywhere but upright
And I will not worry when I am misjudged
I will fear no man
I will glorify the Lord
And He will do that for Himself
And by Himself
As I yield to Him and love Him
And in His righteousness I will stand
Forever.
Amen.

It's 2009!

2009-01-01T09:09:00.000-08:00

Well, well, well.

“Why all the pain, the difficulties and trials?” Meanwhile God sees a good run, and a healthy stride and all the toys from Wal-Mart he wants to put in our baskets, the (nearly) invisible ones headed to heaven, waiting at the narrow check-out line. (Jesus as the checker!)

“For where your heart is, there will be your treasures also.”
“Store up treasures in heaven.” (Gospels)
“Do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, for whom the Lord loves, he disciplines, and scourges everyone he considers a son.” (Hebrews)
“Consider it all joy brethren when you face trials of various kinds...” (James)

“I don’t want to gain the whole world and lose my soul” played on the radio two days ago (go to Youtube and listen to it!) and I just cried because for my entire life I have been held in bondage to security in money and God has been working on me for so many years and it feels like the deliverance of the Israelites from Egypt at the time of Moses – not an easy thing and not in one fell swoop. Four hundred years of bondage and no knowledge of how to live free. I wish He moved faster and I feel like He has been working this in me through especially these past few years, but really all my Christian life.

About two and a half years ago I repented that I had wanted Him to fix my financial issues more than I wanted to know Him. It is hard and doesn’t it make you swallow hard? “Lord, more than I want my finances in order I want to know you.” There, said. For twenty something years it was, “Do this, do that, do this, do that.” Not, “Whatever Your will, just give me You.” I am the man who will aim to be the one with the six or seven towers of grain stored up for years and is content with that. If only I can store my grain I will be fine! Ha! I am the Lord’s and I am not my own and I cannot do the things I want! God is seriously my God! He takes His job serious.
Let’s jump-skip to two days ago, so I was driving and thinking. Earlier in the day I had asked God to speak to me in the verse I was going to read. Exodus chapter 9: God tells Moses, “Go tell Pharaoh to let My people go so they may serve Me.” And that’s what I want. I want to be free to serve God. So I prayed, “God, set me free so that I may serve You.”

Ordinary, you’re a Christian and you sound like an unbeliever or a new believer. What is all this bondage that you are talking about? All I can say is all I see around me in me along with everyone else plagued and held in bondage to so many things and really very little is free. That is why worship is so good because it releases us into the other realm. All I can say is, “oh well, I’m messed up. God found a real project when He found me! Thought He could really do a work - might need two hands (of course not).

So now it is hard to explain, but just as I sang the song, “I don’t want to gain the whole world and lose my soul” I thought about the ties I have to the world and to finances. Not the whole world, not losing my soul, but the point of money tying me to this world and forfeiting spiritual perspective and blessing because of the ties of money.

Tobymac sings in the song, “Lord help us from being consumed by the things of this world that fight for our love and our passion” and the background voice says, “Yes, Lord.”
So I was thinking about wanting God to let me go so I may serve Him (Exodus 9 verse) and I just cried as I drove down the 80 freeway and it was raining outside and inside and my whole gut just felt so intense like I was going to throw up. And I praised Him.
I am reminded of the the twenty pairs of panty hose that I put in the washer that got also wrapped around each other and a bathrobe belt and some miscellaneous red threads from the bathrobe and ended up in a big ball. It is the mess of some of my problems and they aren’t going to be instantly miracle-ized into 20 new pairs neatly folded back in the original packages resting on top of my dresser for me to use. There is a moment-by-moment asking God for wisdom about what to do next and the strength to go back and look at the entirety of the whole mess and the grace to ask God for direction for the next step.

Subject shift - Here is a little story I wrote from my experiences of working at the jail. God is teaching me compassion:

“I worship You, oh Lord
I worship You in the songs I’m going to sing
I worship You in the bills I’m going to pay
I worship You in the sights I’m going to see
And in the words I’m going to say

Let all of me exclaim “glory” to you
Let my presence radiate - Your sufficiency
-Your adequacy
-Your nobility
-Your majesty

I know the truth
That in me lies no good thing
I know the reality,
Yeah, I’m all messed up
I know my inward parts are disorganized
And there are pieces of me missing

Every day I cling to You
Every hour I wait for You
Like a girl at a bus stop
I have no ride but You
I will get on no other ride
I will wait for You
You will come and get me
And will not let me down

I don’t understand Your ways
And sometimes by the things You allow,
You seem cruel
Other times - too harsh
And I don’t know why
You let things go
When others are in pain
And lives are messed up

But I don’t need to apologize for You
Or say things really aren’t so
And give a theology lesson
Because pain is pain
And sorrow is sorrow
And we’re really all the same
And little lives destroyed is tragedy
And the ones who do it
Live inside of me

Because I’m the problem present in all the people
Flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone

You became one with us
You are the One
You are the replacement
For the evil that lives inside of me

And we are a mess
Humanity is an image marred
Molested by sin
But not destroyed

For You oh God are the Redeemer
My Redeemer who ever liveth!
You take residence up in my flesh
You are pleased to dwell in me
When only I let You in
By Your blood and sacrifice
You clean me up

And once is enough
But come in again and wash all of me,
Peter says and so do I
“You’re already clean,
You only need your feet washed.”

You are an amazing God
And I worship You with my life
And all I do
And all I know
Is only a few more lonely days to go
And face to face we will be
My Savior and I
Body to body
and a new body indeed!

Yet still You wash anew
Whenever I want You to.
I am fresh again
In love with You
Free to worship and to work
Free to love and to serve
With all of me alive and nothing held back.

So we will buy up these opportunities
For this time is indeed short
Fill our carts up high!
Sky high to overflowing!
And we will wait for our reward is with You
It is in Your hand

We have your Spirit now
As the deposit inside us
The Truth of all we are going to be
As You live inside
And breathe out through us

Help us to run hard
And to stride fine
Never looking to the right or left
But out to the horizon
Where our Savior lives and coaches us on

We move by faith
We are filled with all measure
We are carried by Your love
And give everything else up.

With Blessing and praying you be filled with His love in ever greater measure and presence,
Thank you for letting me share my heart and life with you.

Thankful

2008-12-06T18:46:00.000-08:00

Use me like a coin out of a fish,
Like a peacock with a beautiful bouquet,
Like a quiet shepherd in the back side of the wilderness
With the boldness of a boy protecting the sheep from the lion and bear
Use me like the widow with the two final coins,
The woman at the well,
The woman caught in adultery

You alone own my destiny
You alone are worthy that I should obey
You are entitled to my thoughts
You are valued in all that I do and think to do and want to do

As a child, bless me with the Perfect Father’s love
As a dependent, meet my every need
As a student, teach me to find my every pleasure in You
As a created girl, I laugh with the pleasure of carefree wonder
And as Your workmanship, the Father is glorified in the fruit of the Vine

I will run and not grow weary,
I will run and not grow faint
I will be lifted on eagle’s wings
I will glorify the King

My life is as temporary as a glass of cold water
As transient as a vapor
As brief as a sunrise and sunset
As glorious as the Father’s mercy upon a lost soul
For future times to come
Thou wilt be glorified
Not in what I have done
But what You have done with me

I will let out a deep-seated laughter
From the belly I will be set free in wondrous pleasure
As I think of the things of God
And the secret pleasure I know
There are no words
Only wonder
There is no audience
And there is no repeated confirmation
But only if you believe
All I know is that I was blind and now I see
All I know is I am poor but am well-fed and satisfied
All I know is there is only one sweet spot
There is only one place of refuge
And that is on my Father’s knee
At my Savior’s breast
With my head against his chest
And like a newborn babe
All I want is Him

Today I am blessed
Tomorrow He will hold me
And when I forget his sweet safety in Him
He will be faithful and let me stumble on my knee

Like a lamb who has had many broken limbs
I have come to know the Shepherds voice
I have come to crave the pure milk
I have come to know that I am very weak, and blind and rather obtuse

But my Shepherd is the One I love
He is the One I lean upon
He is One I look to when I know to look
I know that He is faithful
And I thank Him for all He has done for me today

I just can’t really believe it
Yet the evidence is plain
That He is for me
That He loves me
That He has called me and commissioned me
That He ever lives to make intersession for me

He is my Advocate
He is my Wonderful Counselor
And I am a fool for Christ’s sake
They can take me away and I don’t care
I have all I need
Right here with Him

He has been so good to me
I just am out of words to thank Him enough

Transitions

2008-11-20T09:43:00.000-08:00

I feel depleted. So glad that there is hope. I feel broke. So glad there are riches in Christ Jesus. I feel alone. So glad that He will never leave me nor forsake me. I feel on unstable ground. So glad His Word is unshakable. I lack. He has.
I find I have new desires and goals. I have frustration of all I have spent from what I don’t have of these past months. I was at the end of myself again and again for many months and now I need to go pick up the things I have let go. Or – I get to is probably better put.
I am so ready and able to write a list of goals for 2009. And I just cried in my car that I don’t want my goals or lists for what good are they apart from Christ and His goals and plans He has for me? I want His goals and I think that He may be showing them to me because they are all around me, those things that I need to pick up again.
Part of the challenge is the transition. Change is always hard. Part of the problem is, as it says in Titus about how old people are to be – like dignified for one. I don’t want to be dignified all the time. I have certain childhood desires and I guess I will never get to fulfill them. Like being a baby and being taken care of and crying in my soup. But no, I get to be dignified.
I am trying to find motivation to do my studying right now for my final for one of my MBA classes. Previously it was so easy to use what I was learning at my job that I was in. Currently I hear the questions in my head people sometimes ask, “What are you going to use that for?” But I remember that God called me to this work and He has His own plans that I don’t need to fully know.
Also, I feel like I am unqualified, undeserving of the honor of getting the MBA and accomplishing this work. However, that doesn’t matter because I am going to be sensible (a favorite word how we are to be, from Titus) and dignified. A lot of people are supporting me with their time and efforts so I will do my part.
Life is hard. I was going to add, “but not impossible.” But actually, it is impossible. Jesus says, “For apart from Me you can do nothing.” Paul said, “I can do all things through Christ Jesus who gives me strength.”
Transitioning out of my current job and getting another is a big deal, but God is faithful. “He will not test you beyond what you are able to bear, but with the trial will provide a way of escape so that you may bear up under it.”

Re-blogging

2008-11-13T18:06:00.000-08:00

I can barely believe – well I don’t believe – I can’t believe it has been two months since I blogged in – more than two months! Oh, this string of pearls – this chain of stories that links my life’s events like light posts on a street.
Today I have three things to do and time for one and such has been my life for the past 18 months since I got promoted into my old position. The position that I just resigned from. Prior to that job I had really gotten my life into balance – or so I thought. The part I forgot about was the fact that God called me to be a leader and I wasn’t going to be a leader hanging out doing my thing all the time.
So now, that job is over and I have learned that I am a leader and called to be a leader. However, now the job is gone and done and I think I have time once again to do some of those things that had kept my life in better balance. So I am trying to shift.
One of the things that is hard to shift is to quit striving. How do I do that? How do I quite striving? I have quit striving – many times before!
Dear Lord,
I give my life to You and ask that You would fill me and use me. Help me to walk in Your ways and not to strive or worry. You have Your plans for me all purposed out! How I have learned that again and again and again! Help me to secure these things that you are continually teaching me.
Right now for example – what do I do with the several things I should do and what do I do with the ability or inability to take a Sabbath rest sometimes?
How I trust in You! You will complete what You have started and You are faithful! I will worship You and trust You to uphold me by Your righteous right hand!

Walking Worthy

2008-09-03T06:36:00.000-07:00

So I was with my daughter at Borders books at her new college town yesterday. She picked a Bible, but almost forgot until I reminded her to get it. She chose several other books that she wanted to read in her free time.

I found an Oswald Chambers book. I discovered, "My Utmost for His Highest" about two years ago and love that man and all that God flowed through him.

So last night I was back in my hotel, in this little college town, USA and found the following passage in my new book:

"Get into the real work of intercession, and remember it is a work, a work that taxes every power; but a work that has no snare.”

And this one:

“I do believe that by intercessory prayer, as Jesus Himself has told us, the great power of God works in ways we cannot conceive.”

Oswald says about those we bring to Him in prayer, “to bring them before God’s throne and give the Holy Spirit a chance to intercede for them.”

It is a work of the Holy Spirit praying through you. So last night I prayed for my friend whom I have spend many, many hours in prayer over in the past year or so. Part of the work is faith, and not being limited by thoughts that the prayer doesn’t matter or is not effective.

On the television the other day as I was flipping through the channels, on this little vacation of mine, I flipped by a preacher who was discussing being an intercessor (what a coincidence). He said, “How do you know who you are to be an intercessor for?” And then he answered his own question with another question, “Whose pain do you feel? Whose success do you want?”

So I prayed these past couple of days on and off for the specific things that the Lord had laid on my heart for her. Meanwhile, frankly it hurts.

Yesterday when I was at Wal-Mart with my daughter I found a $1.00 little 8 by 10 inch little poster. I bought it to bring home and put on the little bulletin board next to my desk in my office. I put it up against the plastic ice bucket and plastic cups in the hotel room and last night I was struck by that gun staring at me from across the room. The picture has a green army man laying on the ground. That is not my type of style first of all, so that is partly why it is kind of startling, kind of fresh. Under the picture of the man with a big gun pointed at the camera was the following saying:

“BRAVERY It takes an extraordinary person to face danger and maintain composure.”

Intercessory prayer is a war. Being a friend is a battle. Maintaining composure is being kind the way God says to be kind. It is being gracious when you want to spit up. When you just spent 3 hours you don’t have praying to God on behalf of someone that doesn’t know.

Over the years of being married to an unbeliever for so many years, having been saved while already married, has taught me that God hears my prayers. It has shown me that my only refuge, my only peace, my only life is in Christ Himself. There is no other life. I don’t want any other life. I’ve given up claim to anything and everything, until I feel like I am starting to bleed, then I realize how superficial and frivolous I actually am. Last night as I prayed for myself, I prayed that I would be brave. To be able to do anything God would have me to do and go through, and on the tails of that prayed for nothing to difficult and to be favored and successful. Praise God, He knows that we are but dust. That is why the psalmist asks, I suppose, “What is man that Thou art mindful of Him?”

Paul said, “For I want you to know how great a struggle I have on your behalf (Col 2:1).”

And he also said “For you have died and you life is hidden with Christ in God (Col 3:3).”

May God help us and bless you!

a long day at daycare

2008-08-30T17:04:00.000-07:00

I had shed a near tear today as I dropped off my little girl for a big long day of daycare. Well, not daycare but the college dorms. In moments like these, the simple question becomes, “where did the time go?” That’s because like photos in a book next to each other, time is collapsed and moments merge together irrespective of time. Like the difficult times got lost between two bookends of "exceptional."

I am really proud of her. I love the way that we could talk. She even asked me to sit on her bed next to her while she wrote out a list. I love the way that she wanted me to hang around until six hours later I was the one who said, “I’m going to go back to the hotel now.” And I feel like the words that I said to her mattered. Like she was going to remember them.

What to be sure to look at when you become close to a man, and why get serious if you are not ready to get married and why get close to anyone who does not have these two needful things that I told her to look out for and meausre. And when you drink, drink responsibly so you don’t become addicted because it is easier than you think and alcohol is deceitful.

Yesterday she acted differently also when she didn’t stuff as much as she could into the shopping cart but carefully considered her purchases like it was her own money. “Help yourself,” I said. We didn’t find chopsticks at the Target but did see a lot of red shirts and beige pants and helpful people to assist. Need to get a CD player. And a photo book to put all the pictures that she carried along with her. And there in the dorm room today went up the picture of the six of us, on her wooden-appearing desk in the dorm room.

"I've decided I like my hair and its waves and the way they fall in front of my face."

"You are unique. You can point to the planet and know where you came from because there is only one place in the world with wavy, reddish blond hair and freckles." She pulled it back and put in the hair tie with satisfaction. "I'm American. I'll claim no other roots."

“Did you bring a Bible?” She wasn’t sure how to answer. Nodded yes, then switched it to a no. I told her how to find the Bible on line.

In the end, she walked away without hugging me, but I will see her in a couple of days and then I won’t see her for many months. Hugging would have been too difficult.

She is young and beautiful and has enough to carry herself through because God is faithful and He will be carrying her. He’ll do it for me.

“You’re preaching to the choir, Mom” she said to me when I told her one more time about Creation and how evolution is not scientifically logical or sound.

Time flew away these past 18 years but God holds the wind.

Shaking

2008-08-09T18:05:00.000-07:00

“Therefore, since we receive a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us show gratitude, by which we may offer to God an acceptable service of reverence and awe; for our God is a consuming fire. (Hebrews 12:28).”
There were many things wrong that set me up for The Big Fall. Like a lifetime of investing myself into what other people thought. Like thinking that little societal world in which I live reflects reality. Not being like Hillary Clinton who said, “There’s this vast right wing conspiracy out there.” Take out the word “right wing.”
Swing back to my sixth grade experience. That earthquake changed the course of my life. It was more of an earthquake in slow motion – a writhing experience of muscle being pulled away from bone over a few years actually. When the world said, “This is who you are” and my head shouted, “No, you are all idiots. This is who I am.” But I was not strong enough compared to everyone else. Not to my school, my neighborhood, my mom, dad and brother. So I guessed they were right. And everything was all mixed up then. (But today I have on my desk two pieces of data. The first is a little card that says, “Be yourself. Who else is better qualified?” And a card that says, “You are who God says you are.” The second card begins a list which starts out, “heavenly positioned.” Yeah, that is my reality but I got to keep it before me or I forget.)
In 1994 I had an experience in which a set of two supervisors kind of had it out for me. It was the weirdest experience. Or I suppose I should say the second weirdest experience. Since that four month experience was nestled into a great span of years of success, the bulk of the years were favorable and my career just had a blip in the road. Still, they kind of trashed my reputation a bit and left a lingering doubt for years to come. I just sort-of hid away for a while and came out again when it was better. However, right away, as soon as I aligned myself to God’s will, He began blessing me again and restored everything to me. But I was a changed person and for the better. But it was very painful as God literally changed my personality over a 40 day period (I counted).
Returning to present. What has happened these past weeks and how it pulled in events of the past 15 months is like nothing I have seen or experienced in all my little brief life. Yet in some ways this experience is not so hard on me personally. But then it is too. It is embarrassing. It is humbling and humiliating. It is discouraging. It feels so defeating.
It feels defeating because everyone is going by a different set of rules than reality. And after a while you sound like a conspiratist and a fool. Like Hillary. Didn’t she sound foolish that day on the Today show. Vast right wing conspiracy, right.
I need to trust God for protecting us. He is just and controls all things. Like those poor people who live in China and can’t have babies or go to church because of their government. Does God not hear those people’s prayers? Yes He does but He is doing things His own way.
God is not accountable to me for what He does. Here is a passage from Hebrews:
Hbr 12:3
For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
Hbr 12:4
You have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood in your striving against sin;
Hbr 12:5
and you have forgotten the exhortation which is addressed to you as sons, "MY SON, DO NOT REGARD LIGHTLY THE DISCIPLINE OF THE LORD, NOR FAINT WHEN YOU ARE REPROVED BY HIM;
Hbr 12:6
FOR THOSE WHOM THE LORD LOVES HE DISCIPLINES, AND HE SCOURGES EVERY SON WHOM HE RECEIVES."
Hbr 12:7
It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom {his} father does not discipline?
Hbr 12:8
But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons.
Hbr 12:9
Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live?
Hbr 12:10
For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He {disciplines us} for {our} good, so that we may share His holiness.
See God is training me to share in His holiness. The discipline I am getting is not that I really have done anything wrong. Nothing other than a child who lives on a busy street needs to learn not to run out into it.
The Big Fall is because I am playing in the busy street and taking rides from strangers. So what I need to do is work where I work and do what I do. Pray the way I pray and walk the way I walk. Continue steadfastly. Endure with patience and then. Then. Then remember, I am learning to share in His holiness because I am going to receive a kingdom that cannot be shaken.
Mat 5:10
"Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Mat 5:11
"Blessed are you when {people} insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me.
Mat 5:12
"Rejoice and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great; for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

And in that kingdom there is reward.
But how do they know they are persecuting? It’s called lying to their consciences. They know. The liars who started the whole panic. And on purpose or else just warped and can’t see five feet in front of themselves.
I need to show gratitude and from that position. Thanksgiving. Then I offer an acceptable service unto God with reverence and awe. And leave the pieces to Him and allow Him space to work. Not get in a panic myself. Rather, get myself out of this panic.
I can be thankful because I am not of the world that is going to shake and fall and will end one day. I am of God’s kingdom and will be translated from this present age to that world in reality one day when I die. And in the mean time I live in that world by faith, and also as Ephesians says,
Eph 1:18
{I pray that} the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints,
Eph 1:19
and what is the surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe. {These are} in accordance with the working of the strength of His might
Eph 1:20
which He brought about in Christ, when He raised Him from the dead and seated Him at His right hand in the heavenly {places,}
Eph 1:21
far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come.
Eph 1:22
And He put all things in subjection under His feet, and gave Him as head over all things to the church,
Eph 1:23
which is His body, the fullness of Him who fills all in all.
I live by faith and by reality in that world of God’s Son. So I will do what I am instructed in Hebrews:
Hbr 12:11
All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.
Hbr 12:12
Therefore, strengthen the hands that are weak and the knees that are feeble,
Hbr 12:13
and make straight paths for your feet, so that {the limb} which is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed.
Because indeed, as Hebrews also says, I am in need of endurance. And let me just wrap up my little personal Bible Study and counseling session by the Holy Spirit with myself with these words:
Hbr 12:26
And His voice shook the earth then, but now He has promised, saying, "YET ONCE MORE I WILL SHAKE NOT ONLY THE EARTH, BUT ALSO THE HEAVEN."
Hbr 12:27
This {expression,} "Yet once more," denotes the removing of those things which can be shaken, as of created things, so that those things which cannot be shaken may remain.
Hbr 12:28
Therefore, since we receive a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us show gratitude, by which we may offer to God an acceptable service with reverence and awe;
Hbr 12:29
for our God is a consuming fire.
Blessings to you!

The price of a meal these days

2008-06-30T21:22:00.000-07:00

I had the privilege of leading a wonderful Bible Study in my home this evening. We are going through Precepts, Genesis chapter 24 through something or other, the life of Isaac, Jacob and Esau.

First of all, to see the growth in the women was absolutely beautiful and awesome. There are nine faithful women in this group and God has blessed my home bountifully.

Secondarily, I was totally blown away by the video and the application of Esau’s decision to sell his birthright for a single meal and applying it to a quick overview of the Book of Hebrews.

I have read Hebrews several times, but to hear the quick overview from chapter 1 to the end picking out the main verses that applied about not drifting away, not going forward but instead turning away.

Immediately before the Bible Study I got a letter that was quite disturbing to me. But God, He is so wonderful to me. I guess this brings me to the third great thing:

The letter that I found and read immediately before the Bible Study then totally applied the Bible Study of the video to my life. So Kay Arthur was teaching about how this world and the things of this world is the equivalent of Esau’s bowl of stew.

The things of the world, to me is no matter what in the world is of the world, my house, my property, all my worldly possessions – when I worry about those temporal things that is my drifting away from my birthright. That is my choosing the things of the world over the spiritual.

When I choose to think about the things of this world over the spiritual, then that is me being like Esau. Then that is me despising my birthright.

God gives me His Son and my great inheritance in heaven, but no, I am worried instead of my house? What good is my house when I die anyway? What if I didn’t have my house? Would the Lord not take me through that? Would He not remain faithful? So, then I guess I would learn the benefits of living wherever the Lord has me to live.

I felt like maybe tonight the Lord has set me free from worldly possessions after my entire life including as a Christian - that He has been drawing me to this point of deliverance.

That is the fourth highlight. The Lord has been working on this area of my life for many, many years - that of finding my security in possessions and all that is associated with that. A couple of years ago I repentant before the Lord because I had been wanting the Lord to “fix” some things more than I wanted to know Him through those problems. So then I “let” the Lord have the liberty of doing what He wanted in those problems because I wanted to know Him more. Knowing Him was more important than the financial problems getting fixed. For the first time. Okay, I’ll open my hand. (That was about two years ago.)

After the Bible Study was over and I was in my kitchen, I was overwhelmed for the second time this day. I guess that is the fifth point of the evening, but was the second time of being overwhelmed today. “And you are daughters of Sarah if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.” When I thought of that verse, I realized something great that I am.

(The first time I was overwhelmed today was this morning in the car singing, “I’m desperate for You,” and knowing how desperate I was for God and crying and the release of that was accompanied with the realization that “yeah, that prayer is answered” – complete knowledge that yeah, God will provide all that I need today. The realization that, whereas Esau found no repentance though he sought it with tears, I found the place of redemption of Christ. That sweet location of where I want to be – that perfect spot at the center of Christ Himself which is on one side of the coin the suffering of ME dying on the cross of I Peter chapter 2 and on the other side of the coin is ME being found in Him in Ephesians, far above all principalities and powers. That is, dying on the cross and the resurrection life. They are both ours in Christ to receive and find our peace there and our escape from the world there and all our security.)

It was overwhelming for me to think of “being a daughter” of Sarah. Though that is better written without the quotes. I am a daughter of Sarah! I am not a daughter of my mother or my other mother, but I am a daughter of my mother Sarah. Do you realize what a possession that is? What a prize?

And I am going to equate my house, my property, my possessions, anything in this world to God’s inheritance? I am going to sell my birthright, my ability to dwell “in Him” far above and say instead, “this thing really pisses me off” or “I’m hungry” or “this hurts” so therefore I am going to exchange the incorruptible for the corruptible?

You see it? Worrying about the things of the earth and not seeing and applying the spiritual instead, not receiving the discipline of the Lord instead (and with joy), is selling my birthright for a bowl of stew.

And I don’t want to do that.

2008-06-21T19:09:00.000-07:00

Almighty and Sovereign LORD,
You can do anything.
Do it in my life –
And those I love.

Let the dew from heaven collapse low to Your people;
Touch us with the knowledge of Your sufficiency
Awaken us with the benefits of Your majesty
Fill us with the miracle of Your glory
Humble us with Your love.

Let Your satisfactory grace be all we want to know.
Let all we want be the agenda of Your perfect will.
Cover our unrighteousness like a blanket;
With Your blood,
Remake us to Your image.
Establish us as Your people,
Following the Shepherd.
Endow us with the blindness of innocence.

Cause us to love,
Cause us to bear much fruit
So as to bestow a fitting reflection of Who You are.
Enable us to endure like a soldier,
Establish us to stand.
Like a child, let us wait in You;
Like a wise man, we know the battle is not ours;
Like a victor, we overcome completely.

We embrace all You are, as all we want to be -
And all we want to be, is emptied into Your love -
Found in Christ alone
Trusting never in ourselves.
We are fully supplied for every good work
And steadfastly we wait for every next drop of food from heaven -
Desperately hungry
Yet completely aware
You will never forsake us.

So we drink in Your Holy Spirit,
Like baby chicks we open our mouths wide before You;
We stay by Your side
We know Who we are;
We are Yours
So we do not faint.

May Your name be known throughout all the earth
And may it start through us.
Let Your light come up upon the horizon
And let Your people stoop low.
Look not to our works
But because we have asked,
Extend Your mercy over us.
Ignore our stubborn ways,
And fill us with Who we need
Announce the coming of the Lord through us.

Give pleasure to Your will!
Express Yourself through our otherwise impotent lives.
Like a bird in flight,
Spread Your wings and set Your children free.
Fill us with the wonder of Who You are
Do in us new works not seen before!

Reveal Yourself through us
Seen and known of all men
Though we are sinful before You,
Though we are broken cisterns,
Though in ourselves we hold no water,
You seal our gaps
And through our brokenness
You reveal beauty not otherwise seen,
Through our problems
You became all we need.

You are a merciful God!
We need Your hand of healing
We desire Your touch of love.
You work in the affairs of men
We call for You to enable us to extend grace
To not count trespasses
For we hate and loath
And are no good on our own.

We are lifted up in pride
And seek only to establish ourselves
We seek to be filled inside
With the satisfaction of ourselves
And to comfort and be filled
With whatever we can find.

We have no capacity for good
Only by Your Spirit we live
Only by Your enablement we can extend grace
Only by Your power we walk
But through You we do all things
You are moved by the prayers of Your people.

Let us not be dense
Though we are ignorant of the spiritual nature of our condition
We are stupid like a stone
We are impulsive like animals
In our own efforts we are wander all the day
Only by Your efforts are we anything at all.

Help us desire Your reputation over our own
Help us want the good of Christ and forsake our way
We repent of our foolishness.
Like a wave of the sea,
Wash us anew
Change us and create us anew -
Filled with power, humility, grace and love
Established in Your word
Strengthened by Your love
Satisfied in You alone
Emptied of ourselves
And filled with the adequacy of You alone.

In that atmosphere of wanting and needing You alone,
Do an astounding work in us, and throughout the world.
Yet we strive not for it
Because we are satisfied in simply You.

We have been trained by the Master
And behold the weather in the sky
So we walk according to Your pattern
And we take hold of all You want to do;
Not grasping those things dear to us
Not groping for what we want
Not anxious for anything
But with humble heart
We open our hands.

We worship You with our lives
We give our hands to the plow
We turn our face like flint
To whatever path You call for us;
Whether it be suffering or lack
All things are in Your hands
We trust in the kind intention of Your will.

We open our empty hands,
Looking to the Shepherd, we allow You to work
We embrace all You want to do.
We invite You to be free
We give You all that we are.

We look to Your face and in the side-view we know,
You are enjoying Yourself!
You play in the day
And like a song that must be sung
You are singing through us!

So we delight with You
We open our mouths
And lift up our voice.
As we watch Your face,
Let our dance steps keep in stride with Yours.

We are Your people!
We have a Shepherd
We are not alone
We are not abandoned, not forsaken.
We know who we are.
We are who You say we are,
And we are satisfied in You.
You are our God
And we love and serve You alone.

Amen!

Lambie

2008-06-06T10:32:00.000-07:00

To be a Friend of God.
To be ...a Friend of God.

I want to be a Friend of God.

Imagine such a thing! To be a Friend of God!

"Be happy, Abraham, I am Your Great Reward!"

I am happy. He is my great reward. He has pity and mercy upon me because He knows that I am but dust and my heart tends to be divided. But as simple as drawing a line in the sand, so my heart is not divided. Because I ask Him to cleanse me from a divided heart and He grants to me a pure heart. At this time.

Take my divided heart, oh God. Of course I want You. My only Reward. My only Savior. My only Redeemer. The One who is for me, from the beginning until the end of time. The One who looks after my back. The One who knit me in secret within my mother's womb and who rests Your secret head upon my chest, who knows every thought before it enters my restless mind. You are my Friend that comforts me. You are there for when my heart hurts because it was not formed properly and has pains that others cannot help. That is why You are there. Yet You allow me to love other people and you give them to me also, in such a kind and generous way. You have taken that which was tossed aside and said, "this is priceless."

You are the only worthy goal of my vision, yet my aim is not to You alone, as it should be. But You will not let me go and remind me right away, that I am not my own. I am Your happy bond slave. Then I say, "oh, I remember, how foolish of me." I am Your happy sheep! I am your little lambie that You hold and will not let go.

Oh yes, and I have these prayers too. What were they again? Well, how about to know You. To serve You. To be a fool for Christ's sake. To count it all loss. To remember that, "it is finished." My Lord has bled and died for me. And I rest upon His monument of grace. There is joy here. It is a secret intoxication and satisfaction. Silly and happy and God's friend. Having counted everything else out and having concluded, I'll choose Christ.

What is man that Thou art mindful of him? The son of man that Thou dost care for him?" It is a mystery. He creates seemingly great abilities and then is honored when we realize our foolishness. It is the child who asks the basic and good questions. Like the mental health worker who asked at the hospital meeting, "Well, can't you do something different for the patient so he doesn't keep coming back?" Like, basic.

Oh Lord, You use the foolish to profound the wise. "Who has known the mind of the Lord and who has been His counselor? Yet, we have the mind of Christ."

I can't remember the rest of the prayer list, like the specifics. But You remember Lord, and I lift those things up to You too.

Loving You Lord is kind of like falling. Falling backwards and knowing You are there.

Who am I?

2008-05-10T18:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Father God:

Thank You for being inside of me, for positioning my life within You. Within You is life and peace and all that is well in the world. You are a bubble within the world. I am a flower passing away and on my way down, I want to cling to You with my whole being.

The essence of me is one that is burning and churning and never still. Always striving and wanting and seeking and longing for more. I have people in my life that I have burdens for - that I ache for -- that I want to be able to see You formed in them. And I know that You are going to bring that about. In time. While I wait. While the sun rises and falls on the day and the flower grows up. While the harvest season comes and passes and You are patient still and the new season through, You continue to work. You whisper to me, "Look, what I will do in her."

I awake in the morning and my eyes pop open and I think, "I'm still alive." And I hear Your heart beat within me and I thought it was just my own heart but now, as the years pass along and I see and hear and know what You do, I realize that my heart beats with Yours many times and many times over and over You tell me things that You are doing. And I ache for them, and him and her and them and so it goes.

And I have other goals too. Goals of greatness. No, I don't have a goal for greatness. That is just Your plan for me. Not compared to others. Compared to nothing and no one at all. That is the wrong focus completely. The focus is fullness of Christ in my life so I can sing, "How great is our God" and it is clear that God is alive and that He makes kings from fools and wise from the naive.

"Sing with me, how great is our God. All will see how great is our God."

"And we are the true circumcision, we who worship in the Spirit of God, glory in Christ Jesus and put no confidence in the flesh."

May the Lord cause the processes of the hospital to align to His will. Oh how I yearn for that too, so much. So much of me just is on fire. I think that I was born with missing parts and that I will never be normal until Christ comes to get me and bring me home.

Until then, I remember something that I wrote I long time ago in my little journal from the Lord to me,

"Yes, you will burn for me, but will you wait for me?"

Oh Lord, You are my faithful Provider and I know that You will sustain me and cause me to stand before You in holiness and when I stand and there I will proclaim, "I could never have stood here if it were not for You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" So, my life is a testimony, every day that passes that I have not forsaken Him declares the great faithfulness of God and His ability to hold a sinner and cleanse her from sin and is it not amazing that God is able to take this ball of rage wrapped in sinner's flesh because that is my recollection of myself. And you took her when I wasn't even looking or wanting and said, "You, come here! I will put you into service for me" and so who am I to argue? I was crippled to even respond, didn't even want to respond but You demanded so it is so confusing to know or understand how You could even call me into Your service.

And yet a new day and I hear, but rather I don't really hear much at all. I just know and the thoughts are Yours that You have set in my head and I want them. I desire to possess You and know You and have You and all I want is for the fire of myself to blaze right in Your chest as I exclaim, "You are my God!" That is all I know. That is all I care about.

I am not feeling down anymore, but I wrote this earlier

2008-03-08T19:16:00.001-08:00

Now I know You
When I know no one else
Yet they know me
And look at me
And presume upon me certain things
That I stand, for example
That I am steadfast
That I am amply supplied
Yet I am nothing inside
And more than that lack
Is the vacuum that sucks in on me
And I am withered.
There I know You
You will make my dry branch plump again
And my sight to see Your works
Even when there is just confusion to me
But not to everyone who watches my face
And I am not confused either
Because here I am
Continuing to walk
Continuing to stand
Just as they thought I would
Holding Your hand
Abiding in You

His Kingdom, His terms

2008-02-23T08:57:00.000-08:00

I will worship the Lord on His terms. We can do this the easy way or the hard way. I can go along with the plan with my cooperation or I can fall down in my duties and pout. It isn't my life to decide what I think is comfortable or not. It isn't my vision or perspective to know what is best. But this thing I do know. He knows. And there isn't anything evil or perverted in Him. I am the one with the deceitful heart. I am the one who doesn't know. I am the one with the flesh that moans, that can't even properly feed itself.

Last night I had a dream that a group of people were cutting down a big ugly and rotten tree. Actually the tree didn't stand out as being that rotten or ugly, I suppose just more unbecomingly. When it fell and its carcass was there on the ground, it wasn't its appearance so much that made it rotten or ugly. It was its whole nature. It was dead and needed to go. It was in the way of better things. In my dream as the tree started to fall I was running in its path, like out from under it and I thought that it should probably fall on me. I figured that I would just keep running and it did fall over me but it like went right through me. Next thing I was looking at it and I hadn't been affected by its fall.

Right now there are a number of things that have happened this week that have been really difficult. But my family is fine and so I am thankful and well in that regard. Work has been impossible and people are suffering and confused and hurting. And I just feel pulled upon as people ask me this and that and I feel like my guts are being pulled out of me because that is all I have left to draw from.

But I thought about today that part of what I do is a job and I need at some level to be a bit mechanical about it and just do the work of a disciple. Of a soldier. There are things that I still want to get done and I am trusting God to enable me to get those done. I don't want to be so much on autopilot that I am not using sound judgment in the overall scheme of things. But in times of crisis there are times of crisis and you just got to do. I know things are not that bad. And I don't want people to worry about me because I know that the Lord is in this all and He will provide and He is able to and He will handle this.

Maybe it is good to share because "this is life." This is life here on this planet for this time. All the weeping and crying and tears and someday we will be transformed and so maybe it is okay to pronounce what is. This is the land of tears and sorrow, the world that is soon passing away.

Dear Father, my God, I know that You know all things and that it is good when You cut down dead trees. It is reasonable to expect that when we proclaim the goodness and kingdom of God with our lives, and it affects things, that the hidden world will react and push back. Those who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will suffer persecution from a world that is not obvious. I will take heart for Thou hast overcome the world. Further, this is the truth that overcomes the world - even our faith. Lord, this morning I had a fleeting thought that when I thought about how to respond to the things happening around me that "you need to do it this way to get through this," like it wasn't a time to abandon myself into Who You are. But it is and that part of me that is apart from Who You are, I disallow and lay on the altar. God, thank you for the great things that You are doing. It is very difficult for so many people right now and my heart goes out to them. I can barely concentrate myself. Dead trees are falling. Your kingdom is not of this world. Father, I pray that You would complete the work that You have started. Please sustain me and help me to be whatever You want me to be. Help me to abide and trust in You. Help me and equip me to say and do the right things. Help everyone to heal and move forward. Use this fire to burn away deadness. Let me not be afraid or weak. Please help the people who read this to feel strong and not weak, encouraged and hopeful and not afraid.

The Lord will build His church and the gates of hell will not prevail against it.

Stand firm, therefore, under the mighty hand of God.

"Only conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that whether I come and see you or remain absent, I will hear of you that you are standing firm in one spirit, with one mind striving together for the faith of the gospel; in no way alarmed by your opponents - which is a sign of destruction for them but of salvation for you, and that too, from God. For to you it has been granted for Christ's sake, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake, experienceing the same conflict which you saw in me, and now hear to be in me." Phil 1:27 - 1:30

Andrea

Finals

2007-12-20T16:32:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was another day of change and growth. Actually these days have been that way. That reminds me, after the finals I had a couple of weeks ago I wrote out a blog that I never completed. Let me pull that up and edit it and paste it here. It is kind of hard to follow. I hope you can track:

Wow.
Life is so great when it isn’t merely life. It is God’s life. Life in the Son. Not that I am able to live such a life but when I am at the end of myself and crying out and seeking to be conformed to His image, and “surrendering all” just like the song, then He is faithful and He is doing His life. In spite of me. Not because of me. His plan, pushing it through. Over-riding my plan.
Today, just an hour or so ago I had my final in my MBA program. I was at the end of myself because of so many reasons.
Have you ever been there before? For me it is so interesting, and really quite sad that it happens to me this way. Seeing that it is the same again. Again and again since I was like, well it feel like since I was ten, but rather it was since I was a Christian.
When I became a Christian, I wanted to be a doctor. DESPERATELY. One of the first things I remember, that I will always remember, God bless that little girl’s heart, when I was 21 and laying on the floor of the condo that was owned by my grandma’s (who was letting my husband and I stay there for free – well, we intended to pay her back, and did for a while, until she just said, “never mind” and I said , “yeah, okay, good, that is a relief”)– well, anyway, I was a new believer and I thought that I had a really good idea.
So anyway, Grandma’s condo in Irvine. 1984 sometime. Lying on Grandma’s floor, in the large open door closet with my hands over my head and I said to God that that I really wanted to be a doctor, “but whatever is Your will God,” type thing.
Next thing I know. Scan 23 years and I am getting my MBA, having got my MD degree, having actually made that degree and continuing to walk in that.
The thing is, I never made anything myself, all on my own apart from God. I mean, maybe I could have, if I was real lucky. But I aint’ that lucky and I don’t believe in luck anyway. The Lord enabled me to be successful in my studies because I’m not that smart. Some ways I am I suppose, but really, not like the rest of them – the rest of those geniuses that I share classes and notes with.
But I want to try my best. And I really want God to bless my best “in the flesh” but He never does. Whenever I am in my flesh and just try to do good on my own I fall flat on my face and scream as I fall and as my nose scraps the ground. Here are the rows of stitches. Let me point each one out to you.
But I want to do it on my own – want to succeed in the classes and the course work on my own darned good IQ anyway. I’m not that dumb either. But I know that whenever I have not depended on the Lord, He has brought a stretching halt to my so called successfulness. Brick wall. Try again. Brick wall. Try again. Brick wall.
So I find myself desperate once again and 5 o’clock something this morning I am sitting outside the Starbucks and waiting for it to open so I can study some more for my big fat final. And the worship songs come on and I pray and worship and try to make myself right with God because I see the world flashing before my eyes. I try to tell myself that passing the classes is enough but I can’t get with myself about that. It don’t feel right. I don’t want to just make it through. I want to SUCCEED because I am a maniac and I don’t like merely pulling through.
Been 23 years and do you think that my motives of success in this world have changed? My understanding of my motives has changed but I don’t think, well, maybe they have. Maybe my motives have improved, become more godly. Yeah right. I thought so – had myself fooled – until today. If my motives had changed then passing would have been enough. But then again, what do I know of the deep things of God and motives and important things like that?
Well, in the sum of things, I guess that they have. I do want God’s will and if He would only have me pass the test, the course, okay. And to do best in the class too. And announce who did the best in the class. Yeah.
So it was dark this morning in my brother’s Mercedes car that I get to borrow, with heated seats and fine sounding music especially when the music is up full blast and playing some funky song from the 70’s. It looks good. How did I get this car? What did I do? Nothin’. Had the same mother as my brother. He is working like a dog for a bone when the whole back yard is full of meat if he would pull his head up to look, but motivation is good. I like it too.
About 6 AM, I opened up the book that the Lord has been speaking me with. The passage from my good friend Oswald Chambers who lived 100 years ago and knew the same God. He is amazing. My Utmost for His Highest.
I can’t even tell you what the passage said now, because I passed the test at 1 PM today and did real well. I know I aced the test. I hope that I did super good, but I may have only done pretty well. That is a fine range. Between superb and pretty well. Maybe I don’t have early dementia. But one never knows. This morning, on the other hand, I hadn’t passed the test yet and was afraid and could have recited that passage from Oswald’s book. But now I don’t have the patience to think about it.
I have been working so hard. A little work is okay. Even hard work is beneficial. But what is important is not going off and doing the work yourself. That is what the passage was about. It was about the fact that when you give your life to God then it is His responsibility for the accomplishment for the work. It is yours (mine) no longer. It is His. Putting shoe leather on this philosophy is the labor. Okay, God’s work. I need to study to learn the class material. And somewhere in the middle of all that is the surrender to God, the cooperation with God for His work. Understanding that it is all bigger than yourself – than what you can see. That you work hard and sometimes your motives appear lacking, but you lay yourself a living sacrifice on the alter of God for God and run away real fast. “Okay God, whatever You want because, like, You’re God!” And thanks for the car. And for the cool school and for all my friends and family and yeah, You’re the KING. And like, I’m nothing, except having survived the birth chamber. And like, that’s right on. That is the right attitude that He has been looking for all along. To hang with Him as He is and see that He is good, and yeah, you do your best, but your best isn’t your best in your flesh. It is His all inside of you because you drop dead before Him and trust Him and just pour out like a spilled drink and He takes it from there because He is actually good and all He wanted was that you give your life to Him. Hebrews says that we need to believe that He is good and He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.
What God did for me was show me myself. In light of Him and there I was. And He showed me Himself and then I said, “Yeah” but really, the way that He put it, like, who wouldn’t? So I said, “Yes” and then the entire audience (figuratively speaking – stay with me- )screamed and said, “Yes! The BIG price is behind door number 3!” and I got the whole big prize. It is waiting for me and it is going to be one big extravagance and all the world is going to see (at the end of the age when He comes) and I am going to give Him appropriate glory of who He is, an not me but He is going to do His glorious work through me, all because I believe and thought that He was good. And He is good. And it will be a great day.
So anyway, getting back to what I was trying to say in the beginning. What is sad is how I forgot that I was ever in the first place of being utterly desperate for God to help me with tests in school. Unless I am in the desperation, I forget that spot and I think that there MUST be something in myself to have been aligned with all the really smart and wise people of this world. But then when I get to the place of needing God to help me to think correctly for a test I remember that I have been here before. Oh yeah. Yeah. This place. This same test. The test of humility and accepting that spot.
You would think that I would remember after the first or second time that I was humbled, but I don’t. After the 7th or 77th time, I sort of remember philosophically and recall. But when I am in the same space again, it becomes crystal clear. That I need Him.
Idiot. Maybe early dementia.
You’re exaggerating. Whatever.
If I don’t realize my place and beg, I’ll be stuck in my own excrement and fail. God’s a crutch. Yeah, you bet.

Okay, what now?

2007-11-17T22:59:00.000-08:00

I had a really nice evening with my husband. But life can be difficult. It is like keeping your eye on the moving target. Rather, keeping your eye on Jesus. Wow, that is a constellation of varied thoughts, now isn’t it.

I am so glad that He has not left me. That sounds kind of weird to actually write and read. Like, He is never going to leave me! Yet, the other week I was afraid that He was going to be pulling back from me because I was feeling such a pull from the world and it was tempting me so much and the world felt like it was pulling its tentacles around me, and indeed it was.

There are trials and there are trials. That is, there are trials that you see and there are trials that you are in and they are more difficult to see because you are in them and part of them. But from them we become strong and ferocious and there are the spoils of war that are ours after the battle is won. Yeah, we fight and some of us think that it is sort of fun, but not really, but we rise to the occasion and we are able to fight and so we do. But mostly we just stand firm. And so we look forward to the New Jerusalem and New heaven and Earth and we will sit around and talk about it, when David took on Goliath and how that was an example for us and we took it serious and we did it too, not that we are David , not that our situation is Goliath but greater things will you do and so we do and so we do not judge ourselves but leave the judgment to God and we worship Him in Spirit and in truth and so we love Him and so it is. Amen. Follow?

Christ was faithful when the world was pulling in on me and tempting me. He will never let me be tempted beyond what I am able to bear but with the temptation will provide a way of escape that I am able to bear up under it. It was so refreshing and beautiful to sing praise songs with the Lord driving in my car and feel Him close. Oh, don’t go. I don’t want You to go.

Also with Christ there is the realization that God is able to keep me from falling and to present me pure and blameless with exceeding joy before His throne. He is full of grace and truth. Also, Christ is preparing to present to Himself a bride, the church, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, full of grace and truth, to Himself.

I am in the bride of Christ. My life is hid with Christ in God. Lord, hold me and hold me forever. You know what else it says about the bride of Christ? That she will be presented in all of her glory. Isn't that cool? All of her glory, that she has a glory!

I look around this word and there are so many attractive things, but like a mother looking for her lost child, I can not find my true love in this world. I look and look and there is not Him - my King, my Savior. My Savior is in God and I will run to my Lord and reside and dwell inside of my Lord Jesus because I have no other life save Him alone. There I will have my dwelling. And He is good to me and faithful and I am so glad that He has not left me to this world, that wants to capture my soul and life, but it does not deserve it, because Christ died for it and my soul belongs to Christ and is in Christ forever. And all I have to do is rest in Him, just lay back and rest because I believe that He is good, and I don’t understand why it is that I even believe, but I know that I do, and so I walk day by day and go wherever He says to the best that I can, because – “Where else do we go? For you alone have the words of eternal life.” Yet He credits our account? Something just doesn’t add up.

However, one thing I know and that is this. I will hold out my both hands and say, “Okay Lord, You have it for me? I want it. I know I don’t deserve it and I don’t understand it but if you have it for me I am receiving it all. Lay it on me and enlarge my heart and mind to receive it. One day I will be dead and the next minute I will be standing before You and so yeah, I want it. Give me all You have, everything You want for me and I know that as that happens I will feel stretched. Yeah, so what of it? Stretch me. This is the only time I have because even tomorrow I don’t have because I may not have the same gift of faith or I may not even be alive, so yeah, give me an ability to receive it all. Even if I die in the process. A death of ecstasy. Stretching to receive all Christ has.

Yeah, fun to write and maybe it even looks good on paper but you know Lord, even that is puffed up and filled with hot air. Or maybe it wasn’t but as I read it over I am aware that I am both of spirit and of flesh, a messed up human. But You’ll be setting it all straight, and one day You will release me from myself and fill me completely with the life of Christ and the life you created, that You predestined in the first place. Oh God, I can not even boast. Just let me collapse in You and wait here till you fill me up for the next moment.

The sheep hear His voice and will follow no other. Oh, don't you just desire to worship Him? And this is eternal life, to know Him.

God bless you. I am filled with His love and you know what else? To be filled with the spirit can be “just” to be filled with psalms and hymn and spiritual songs, and isn’t that great? Just to love Him and to love people. That is all. There doesn’t have to be anything fancy. Just to love the Lord and find our contentment and life and peace in His name. Oh magnify the Lord with me and let us exalt His name together. The Lord is our refuge!!!

A Whole New Me

2007-11-11T21:02:00.000-08:00

Hi!

Really, I am so different than when I wrote my blog info all about me - in one of those side panel things - like when I talked about going to the spa and stuff. That was so last year. So long, long ago. It was fine for then because I didn't have other doors opened to me at that time. But now God has opened doors and I am running quickly and there is so much going on.

The biggest thing for me today is to realize that I am not any different than before God blessed me in that I need to remember who I am, the poor sinner that is completely dependent and awaiting for whatever the Savior would desire of me to do.

The amazingly human thing that happens again and again and so automatically is when I am blessed I find in myself a desire to try and hold on to it or claim it as mine. But that is not right and that is death to the blessing.

So I am trying to just soak up the sun. Soak up the SON.

Soup

2007-10-22T10:30:00.000-07:00

There is a battle that I can not see
Of course there is a battle,
Laid out for me
That I am walking through
Emotions flair and do I dare
to see reality?
God's reality
Not my own
It is so hard to care for something
more than the other person cares for it,
or to care more that it feels the other person cares.
Have you ever wanted Christ to be formed in someone more than they wanted Him for themselves?
Have you ever felt alone
mocked, sitting there with your cup of inadequate soup?
"No, I'll get my own food, make my own way,
and thanks for praying, but I'm fine the way I am
and I know no other fountain
no other place of relief
no other hope except myself
on whom I rely.
But I do not hold inadequate soup
It's not thin broth with a tiny slice of mushroom
in a tin cup
cold and weak, though you may think that it is.
It is the living and breathing and totally adequate WORD of LIFE
that I prayed for you
that you may know Him completely
so that you would no longer be alone
or relying on your own way.
You see broth and I have life.
Oh God, Oh God
the problem is that I am such a little baby
and I am the inadequate one who is personified as a cup of rejected cold broth
and I have emotional problems.
In my enthusiasm I jump and shout and think 18 miles ahead.
Oh, the nature of dreams
The nature of human love
and of God's love
and of hopes and prayers and dreams and life.
And I am poured out because I have not considered this life as necessary to hold dear to myself.
What is my life anyway?
Is it not a vapor,
a mist over the old sea
a weed sprouting forth in a desert?
What is my life but nothing except that Christ has chosen me
And so though I know not what He is doing today,
all I know is Whom I have known
and who is with me today.
And there is a battle and it is draped in words and images that I do not know
and I am confused
and I butt up against a fortress of a thousand years of daily thoughts of corruptible things that rectify itself as being adequate to qwell the storms of life.
I come up to that wall and dare to speak to it, to the person behind it and ask if that person would like to come out
and "yes" is said,
but "no" is there also and
"I don't know," and
"Go on, I'm okay."
And I am hurting too and that hurt is worse than anything that is going on right now and that hurt is ill-timed becuase I am one ill-timed of birth and fortune.
And so I sit at the corner with my soup and I am the soup and I am left along side the road and it is nothing that I have not ever known before because it is all that I have ever known. And though I have made friends and have friends, I am alone everytime there is the feeling again. And there is the feeling again. And when I have the feeling again, I hurt and sit there and remember God who is my life.
He is my Healer and Helper and Holder of my right hand. He is the one who comforts me in all of my distress.
Dear Father,
Thank You for hearing me and my prayer. Today I come to You and sit here and ask that You would please meet me and help me through this day. I need you to help meet my obligations. I need You to comfort me in my distresses. I had hopes that are not coming to pass this day, though I do think that they will come to pass in the future and I need to wait and demonstrate that I am able to stand here in this cold spot and act like I am not dying inside, because other people are not dying and it is not the time to cry out and moan. But Jesus, You do know that I am broken. I am so very deeply ashamed and little and I do have poverty of spirit. I am so ashamed that I love and have loved and have hoped and have dreampt. I do not like the fact that I need. I have needs. Those needs are currently aroused beccause I have loved and hoped and desired and wanted and dreamed and now I sit here with my cold soup and I am the soup.
"Love not this world nor the things in the world." God has overcome the world. This world is not my home. "Your life is hid in Christ, and when Christ comes your life shall be revealed in Him."

Homerun!

2007-10-07T22:55:00.000-07:00

"Where then is boasting? It is excluded." I think that is from Romans.

I feel like I hit a homerun out of the ballpark this weekend and over this past month or so. There was so much on my plate, but God held me through it all. I had such a pleasant weekend at school and learning. What an absolutely blessed opportunity. I got back home to my husband exchanging laundry loads and my daughter completing her college applications.

I couldn't make this happen if I tried.

"Thanks be to God who leads us into triuphant procession of Christ." I think that (pretty close quote) is from one of the letters of Paul.

Tomorrow is Bible Study! Last week was so blessed. May it be again.

When things are going well it is a time to be careful.

"Be careful if any of you think that you stand, that you may fall." "Pride cometh before the fall."

Dear God,

Hold me in Your arms. You are all I need to know. You are reality. Thank you for Your many blessings. Hold those things that can lead to falling. Everything will fall before Your throne one day, so I lay them at Your feet today. Please be with the Bible Study students, that they would know the power of Your Holy Spirit today and tomorrow. May Your Spirit be in them even in greater power than in myself, and also to my family members and to the believers at Your hospitals, specifically the two I have in mind, but to all of them."

Requesting Help

2007-09-29T19:55:00.000-07:00

My week can be summarized as follows: Number 1: Asking God for help. Number 2: Crying to God for help. Number 3: Begging God for help. Number 4: Go back to number 1 and begin again.

My week can also be summarized as follows: Remembering that God does not need my strength but my weakness. Realizing that God is in control. Being filled for the next moment.

The highlight of my week is as follows: Praying for and knowing that God will and even has answered the following prayer: That God can and will equip me to perform a specific task He has called me to do. He can and will provide an enablement by His Holy Spirit to do His will. He has given me everything that I need to do His will.

The following concepts in my mind and life are changing: I am restructuring what I am to do and not to do at the hospital and at school. I am allowing God to use my time and not to try and impose on Him exactly what I think I should do with the time.

My prayer is as follows:

Dear Father: I know that You have directed me in some specific ways, so I am not going to go over those things again and again. If I am off target and off track, I trust You to bring me back in line with Your will. With that being understood, please enable me to do the things that are before me to do. Let me be successful and to find favor with God and man. Make our hospital an incredible wonder. Thank you for blessing us there and for passing the important Medicare survey last week, completely reinstating all privileges and removing any black mark against the hospital. Be with the other pending matter and clear that up next week in a great way. Then let everything be without blemish or bad reputation for the future. Please cause the relationships there to be touched by You. Please cause the work flow between all the interacting relationships to be unencumbered. Touch each person that works and is treated there. Please help me to be a useful contributing member to my School team, while at the same time not spending much time actually working. That is, to be effective and efficient and appreciated. Help me when I am at class to be able to answer all the questions given me with wisdom and grace. Provide for me the spirit of wisdom and revelation discussed in Ephesians. Please bless the Bible Study and thank you so very much for lifting up this study and putting it under Your power and control and not under mine. Help me to be prepared and have blessing with how to lead the discussion study. Bless each woman there. Help them not to be limited by their own previous assumptions from their denomination. Use them in their churches. Bless their words in the study and in bless their lives. Cause them to deeply grow in love for You. Give them joy in the Lord and to see and know the reality of Your power and pleasure. Lord, I thank You for the peace that You have put into our home and I know that is because my husband followed what You told him to do in having the children go to Capital this year. Thank you that You have constrained Him to do Your will, and how You are using Him. Please help him in the various areas of His life that need Your direction and control. Protect each of my children and draw them into a tight relationship with You, in the way like I described for the women in the Bible Study. Help my husband and I to continue to work incredibly together in the great tasks we each have to do at this time. Please enable my husband to continue to carry all that he is with the children and to do it with the joy and ease that he has shown. Clearly these things are from Your hand. Help with the various other duties and tasks that come up for me to do. It seems impossible, but I thank You that You have helped me to stand firm and move forward and not to be overwhelmed. Use these pressures to rearrange the way that I see and do things. Please keep me and hold me because You know that I really am completely and totally unable to do the things that I am actually doing at this time. Help me that I do not lose confidence in You, that I continue to look to You. Help me with my anxiety and timidity in assuming the role and position that You have called me to do. Help me to walk down the halls with the power and confidence of the fact that I am redeemed of Christ and am Your own possession. I am Your pot, cracked and all, and through these cracks, shine forth Your glory.

Okay

2007-09-21T20:20:00.000-07:00

Well, wow. How about 65 pages to catch up? How about 65 days or years? Where do I begin?

I just spent a week in a residential week at my MBA program. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Respectfully of course)!!! It was hard and challenging. I survived, like I knew that I would I suppose, but afterwards was harder. That was this morning, the harder part, because it was like everything was hitting me.

They call the week “boot camp.” Night after night of inadequate time to sleep, timelines, outlines and deadlines, presentations, public speaking, skit performances, too much to read with no time to read, vague instructions and forced teams that have to work together or fail….Teachers that utilize the Socrates method and have it perfected to a grilling science. I kept looking for the “reality TV cameras,” figuring that they had to be around somewhere. It was harder than I can get you to understand, and it was hard for everybody, not just me.

So today after class ended I had about two hours to sit before the Lord. I imagined God the Father in a chair before me and Jesus the Son at His right hand in the chair next to Him and I spoke with Him about my problems and concerns. The Lord is our Friend and He is there. I prayed about Psalm 100 (the first verse I ever read as a Christian that the Lord freaked me out with – “Know that the Lord Himself is God. It is He that has made us and not we ourselves.”) Luke 5 and Ephesians 5, “Trying to learn what is pleasing to the Lord.” When I couldn’t find a Christian radio station, then the Lord found it for me and three songs played on it that the Lord knew were for me. “Cry out to Jesus,” “Reign in me,” and “He reigns.”

I have issues and I have concerns. I have things that I have prioritized for many years and are now very established habits and I still care about those things and don’t want to lose them. I have things that I want to do over these next two years, including surviving to tell about it with my family, loved ones and friends. I have a new opportunity. Western Seminary asked me to teach psychopharmacology to their Bible Counseling (MFT) students and I really want to do that. What a wonderful blessing. But is that crazy trying to do that also? (Six evenings in the winter is all).

I have thoughts in my mind that I don’t think anyone could really understand, but that is okay. They are real and right and true and the best so I will live by them. The just shall live by their faith.

God hasn’t taken off anything on my platter but I would have expected Him to by now. I’ve given them to Him. God is continuing to sustain. I don’t want to work hard to spin in a cycle like a washing machine. I want to work hard in my quest for running hard after the things of God. I want to influence things because I feel that I am called to do so. I feel that my current arena of work and family and home is God’s place that He has put me in to strengthen me and prepare me for what He wants to do in my life and for the world around me.

Currently, I am really tired and need sleep, but by the morning I will feel refreshed. I pray the Lord would enable me to stand and do whatever He wants with and for me and remove anything that is not of Him. “And having done everything to stand, stand therefore under the mighty hand of God.”

This morning I checked all the people in my life that I really am dependent upon that they are all there with me still. They know that I need them, and need their help. There are things that I need to learn and to accept. I need to let myself receive from God the help of other people and not to try and do everything myself. I need to allow myself to carry the role that I am called to carry, not for myself and not keeping my eyes on myself but by keeping my eyes on the Lord and doing it because it helps other people and it is God’s will for me. I enjoyed focusing this week on how if I do my best, how it lifts all the students. I prayed for them as they were tired and for their presentations. I need to do more praying for them. Btw, the first day I met my fellow student who is a doctor who is a Christian and does Bible Study in her home on Tuesday evenings. She was late the first day of class because she was praying with a patient and her family at the hospital and led someone to Christ during the prayer. She said, “Well, I just said, ‘this is more important.’” That was a blessing. But later in the week she flat out lied to the teacher about something and my heart just sank.

It was weird when I went to my class the first day this week. The students were supposed to post their bios on the web site. My husband did that for me, and did it way early and so it turned out a lot knew me already. (I don’t even know how to get on the web site actually. My husband has taken care of everything I need administratively.) I felt like I was esteemed then it only got “worse.” I know that the Lord establishes things like this, when He has me to be seen favorably before people. Then it came time to do things like the presentations and answer the questions and I had to decide if I was going to do these things in the power and strength of the Lord or stand behind the podium and mumble. So I did what I was supposed to do, because God has prepared beforehand for me certain works that I should walk in and I am going to do them because I really don’t have a choice. The hosts of heaven are watching. It is important. Spiritual battles rage and what to do? I will depend upon the Lord who goes with me and will give me what I need as I wait upon Him and depend upon Him and look to Him.

My verse for the week that I kept reading was, “I, a prisoner, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called (Eph 4:1ish).”

I don’t understand everything, of course. But think with me about something. God is sovereign and controls all things at all times. Yet at the same time He establishes that individuals are responsible for their own deeds and go to hell because they are accountable if they refuse God’s grace. Both of these things are true at the same time. My mind can not conceive them because they are too wonderful for me. So the Lord can do two seemingly opposing things at the same time. He controls what appears to be overlapping spheres completely independently from one another.

Likewise, is it not true that God looks at each person individually and what that person will need in his or her life to carry out His will? Is it not reasonable that God, if He only looked at the perspective of me, could put everything in place in the world because of how it would affect me for His will in my life? Because He is great, He does this for everybody together. But if there were no other people on the face of the planet, or they were all zombies, because He was working in my life, today He would have put the hotel I was staying at in its place, my city, state and the USA, all for me to accomplish what He wants to do in my life.

Kind of a weird thought. (I know that wasn’t well explained, but I don’t know if I especially want to be clear.) I don’t know why I thought of this today or why it seems relevant especially. “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lard Jesus Christ who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in heavenly places (Eph 1:3).” With that perspective, what is a hotel? What is any earthly thing before God? It is almost blasphemy to look at some earthly thing and see it as a limitation in any way before an Almighty God. I guess there are allowances because we are mere dust and our faith is weak. However, how frustrated was Jesus with our lack of faith while He was on earth? “How long have I been with you and still you are so slow to believe?” Hebrews speaks of God not being pleased when we shrink back in unbelief. Unbelief is sin, the Bible says.

If God has instituted everything in its place so I can carry out His will, and I want to carry out His will, then what stands in the way of carrying out His will?

Gen 3:1, “Has God really said?” Has God really said? Are you really standing in the will of God? Does God really want that purpose for your life?

When I look back over the years, my biggest recurring struggle and battle has been believing that God wants me to be a doctor and that I am in His will. It is easier for me to do something else, like be a home school mother or adopt a needy child and sit with him, or be perhaps be tortured in another country for the sake of Christ (okay, maybe not), than to believe that God has called me to be a professional doctor, and now a leader in a hospital (and more, because He is going to use His investment). That He is calling me to work harder than I have ever worked before, with uncertain rewards (because I don’t fully know why I am working, the rewards are with Him primarily). So the enemy whispers things to cause me to doubt what God has called me to do. He did this with Jesus, “If You really are the Son of God…”

Here is a great line from a song, “It’s not about me, as if You should do things my way, You alone are God, and I surrender.”

Don’t forget to pray for me and my family.

I feel stronger, but not very strong. I do not feel very strong in faith at this time. “Faith comes from hearing, and hearing by the Word of the Lord.” I need some more God! This spoke to me, from above and I pray to assimilate it:

What is any earthly thing before God? It is almost blasphemy to look at some earthly thing and see it as a limitation in any way before an Almighty God. I guess there are allowances because we are mere dust and our faith is weak. However, how frustrated was Jesus with our lack of faith while He was on earth? “How long have I been with you and still you are so slow to believe?” Hebrews speaks of God not being pleased when we shrink back in unbelief. Unbelief is sin, the Bible says.

The only problem that I have is human tasks that I am to do. That really isn’t a big deal. It is step by step. It is taking hold by faith and He will do the rest, that is, whatever He wants. It is sitting in uncertainty and deciding whether or not to believe. It is believing for the next moment, and then the next.

His face. My future before Him.

Forward to School Night

2007-09-08T09:19:00.000-07:00

Two nights ago was “Back to School Night.” My husband and I ran into old friends. However, my husband had never actually met them. I knew them. From before. When I went to my old church.

They (I’ll call them the Smiths – they are the Smiths!) knew me from when I used to go to church alone. My husband had never attended for 150 years.

As I introduced Mr. and Mrs. Smith to my husband and we were talking about the kids activities and this and that you, you just kind of see their minds thinking, or trying to think and figure things out.

I wanted to exclaim, “God has done a new thing – well, He did what He said He was going to do!” (Only took about 20 years.)

Looking back over the years, despite the great difficulties and heartache, God never let go even when it didn’t look like God was in control. Now, He brought us to a new land and there was no divorce, separation, bankruptcy, arrests or firings! Like birth pangs of a baby. No damage done. Just a pretty baby. His baby. We are His project and I give myself entirely to anything that He, my faithful God and King wants to do with and through me. I just want to worship at His feet and enter in to the eternal life – which is to know Him and partake in the life of Christ through faith.

The Lord used to encourage me, day after day and month after month and year after year that the Lord was going to bring Brad in, that Brad was included in His plan. I used to recited the Psalm to Him that cried, “How long, oh Lord, how long.” (Till I’m ready baking my cake – “You are His workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works (Ephesians).” – I am His cake – don’t rush a masterpiece! – I am just ordinary but have an extraordinary God, which is what is special.)

The amazing thing about our family now is the level of peace that is here. Perfect? No, not that. Problems, yeah. It is just that I forget about them. “I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am in” – not yet but in God’s faithfulness that is where He wants me to be and is bringing me to one day, at least on my death bed, Lord willing.

Even with my work God has been faithful. There was a time it seemed that I couldn’t do anything “successful” there that I wanted to do. I had ideas and tried to implement them and – zap – no; no go. Anyway, that is changed also. And His plans were so much bigger and more seamless and great and fun and EASY than mine.

Yesterday the Lord spoke to me in a great way. I was listening to a Greg Laurie CD from a conference I went to recently at Precepts Ministries in Chattanooga, Tennessee. This is what the CD said, citing a verse:

“ ‘The Lord cause His countenance to shine upon you.’ Countenance means to look to see, to know, to understand, to be interested it, to be watchful of and to pay full and undivided attention. That is what the Lord does for you.”

This was such a blessing because often times I am lonely at work and working these days. I realize that a lot of my pride problem stemmed from just a hunger and an ache to want to be paid attention to. God Himself is the perfect healer as He fills me up specifically with that which is lacking.

So, anyway, I got to work and I opened up my Oswald Chambers book, “My Utmost for His Highest.” I flipped to any “random” page. This is what is said, (approximately) on about Nov 14 devotional page: “Just as a servant’s eyes are riveted to his master, likewise we need to have our focus and attention onto God. This is how we come to know His CONTENENCE and how He reveals Himself to us.”

What a blessing. God speaks personally to me. He is a minister and a wonderful counselor. Rather, The Wonderful Counselor.

So I wrote out the two things – the one from the CD and the other from the book and I drew arrows between the two and I taped it up where I could see it – on my computer monitor. God puts His countenance and focus upon me, being ever watchful and I put my attention upon Him as my Lord and He puts His countenance upon me and reveals Himself to me.

Well, today is Saturday. For me is it the start of another week of ADVENTURE!

Part 2

2007-09-02T22:16:00.000-07:00

Well, Check out my blog from yesterday. This is an update, a part two.

Earlier today I got into a groove of condemning the “sinners” whom I hung out with Friday night. I was really upset that the leader was, well, acting according to the ways of the world.

By the late of the day today, I came to the realization that God does not want me to hold these sins against them but to move on in love. It reminds me of other times in my life – oh yeah, like when Romans chapter 2 totally convicted me. Like who are you, oh man, to condemn those ignorant Gentiles when you know better and do the same thing in your heart? Yeah, that was the message that God taught me in 1987 or so, again, in Philadelphia, the first time I read Romans I think. I was busy condemning my husband at the time. God had to show me over many years that I was not to condemn him but to love him and not worry about much else. I wasn’t sinning by loving a sinner; it was what God wanted me to do. That was a big long and difficult lesson actually. Taught me a lot about God - and me. So easy to become self-righteous (at least for me).

I am glad that I am not learning today the EXACT same message, but it is a sort of spin-off on the same message, but in another context. When Jonah was to go to Nineveh he couldn’t believe, or accept really, the reality that God forgave those people. When Moses stuck the rock twice, he wasn’t supposed to do that. Sometimes it is hard to accept the grace of God. Well, it does defy common sense, and seems kind of unreasonable.

Yesterday when I was crying about the sin of us (the hospital administration) and realizing the predicament that we are in, that it is unreasonable, according to common sense, that God would bless our hospital when the leaders have the sin of folly, it was as soon as I saw our sin and the unreasonableness of God’s blessing, God showed me through His word that He has heard my cry. He is going to bless our hospital because like in Chronicles, I think chapter 20 something when Josiah mourned for the sin and was tender that God had mercy. God let me know that He is merciful, that He is going to bless us – even though, yeah, it is not in keeping with the consequences of our actions.

Yet, it only took a few hours to get stuck back in condemning instead of thanking God for His rich act of mercy. A few hours to move to the place of trying to work to please God, of becoming judgmental when, how else are sinful people supposed to act?

There was a spiritual warfare in all of this. But I think that it has past, by the blood and sufficiency of resting in Jesus and His blood alone.

I can go back to work and work with those people and love them and look past what we all do naturally in our flesh and folly, all the while praying, waiting and expecting and moving towards the high calling of Christ. Of being an example of the grace of God while living a distinctively different life.

Pray for me!

Thank God for His indescribable gift!

Is this just another day?

2007-09-01T15:31:00.000-07:00

I am filled with such desire that I have – that I want to get it out on this blog. I want to shout in the streets and down the hall of the hospital and I want to call people up on their cell phones. But no. I am going to show patience on one hand on and on the other to fight the fight of faith.

Paul said, “I have fought the good fight, I have finished my course,” and what lied ahead of him was a crown, not only for him but for all who loves His appearing.

“But I know Whom I have believed, and I persuaded that He is able to protect that which I have entrusted to Him against that day.” I love that verse! The Lord first gave that to me in medical school. My old Pastor Bob Hoekstra said that it his sermon that I heard after I moved to Philadelphia, while listening to tape while walking my dogs. I heard that verse and played it again and again and hoped and believed that it was true for me. Because for me it was not clear whether I would make it or not - if I was going to become a doctor or not. But what do you know, God uses the foolish and the weak things of this world to profound the wise, and He continues to use me in a way that is similar this day.

At the hospital people did not initially think of me as a Medical Director. But I am being used as a very good Medical Director because it is not me who is successful or working but Christ in me. Paul said something to the effect as this: “For unto me this grace has been given (that I may preach the gospel) and I have worked harder than all the other apostles, yet not I but the grace of God that is in me."

This past week and weeks has been so intense with the problems of the hospital. “Whom the Lord loves He chastens,” and I think that it has to do with hospitals also. Yesterday cumulated with an intense session by government surveyors, which went … okay, but not that good but not bad either and I guess things are okay, but there is still more (unexpected) waiting to occur.

I was feeling a little out of sorts and got to talk and pray with my friend Marilyn Friday at 4:30 PM, as just the right time, who helped me to become re-established in God at that time. Then last night there was a dinner of sorts at a sports bar for the upper management people and I thought that I was ready for that. But it was so difficult really.

This morning I know I was out of sorts again. I cried (literally) unto the Lord as I have been doing for weeks now regarding our sin and the sin of our hospital and the leaders and it just struck me as terribly sad and so fully reasonable that there would be a problem with the blessing of God upon this sinful people. The people at the upper management hospital are not particularly more sinful, per say, than just regular people. They are just of the world. People who cheapen God’s creation by being carried away by their lusts. But for the grace of God go I as well.

So anyway, God was so beautiful to me this morning and gave me a promise from His Word right away. Psalm 40:1 says that “I waited patiently for the Lord and He turned to me and heard my cry.”

God is so personal and merciful and He was very specific in the manner that He showed me that this verse was for me and the hospital. His mercy triumphs over judgment. He longs to be merciful but our sins have separated us from Him. Well, while I was sad and broken about our plight of the hospital and seeing the unreasonableness that God would bless us and God reached down and declared that He will bless us. I am so thankful that my God is alive and personal! It remineded me of the pride filled man and the man who knew he was wretched as they prayed for God's mercy, and He heard the man who cried out for mercy and who saw his sin.

Today I felt quite drained, yet very motivated to work at hospital things, like a fire burns in me. A passion is in me to move things into correction where there is error, to take advantage of God’s grace and moving, to tap into what God Himself is doing, to be His workmanship, to count everything as loss because of the excellency of knowing Christ my Lord.

This morning I was thinking about my role with the hospital and my role in past years with my husband and children, and although I have always wanted to be a leader, and I guess I am an (unexpected) leader, really, I am an intercessor. That is the role that I think best describes my life in Christ. To feel the pull of something that is not right and to go to God and sit there with Him and wait in pain until things are put right.

I can not wait to go to heaven. Today is a hard day. It is hard because of several reasons. First, I miss my family who are away and whom I have been called away from too often while God is doing His own other thing through them without my apparent help of needing to be constantly present, and that is a pressure. I have a pressure from some reports that are late that I am to dictate. I have other pressures that are day to day. Currently I have a pressure that I want to think up and write out big reports about where our hospital needs to go next. That is what I intend and desire to do over the next four hours. I am writing this blog first because I am trying to get these things off of my chest and to burn off some of this energy, maybe then “tone” won’t come in my email reports.

I am not angry towards my co-workers in leadership, but disappointed. Also it is difficult for me because where my boss and I had been like one on so many fronts, we are not one when it comes to what I think is an appropriate example of leadership in socializing. You know, there are things of the world that are stupid and unnecessary and I hope never to copy those habits and copying them are unnecessary. Again, there was not some significant sin really. Just worldly folly. It is so frustrating.

“Labor to show yourself approved unto God, a worker that need not be ashamed.”

Today was a good day

2007-08-25T21:04:00.001-07:00

Today was a good day. I hardly worked today at the hospital because my husband is gone for the weekend and I have four children who kind of need a parent around. So I did my work early in the day at the hospital. Then I came home and worked for several hours on the computer doing administration stuff for the hospital and loved that. Then I took my kids to an errand. Then I did some laundry (actually have been doing loads ALL DAY) and cleaned my room and did some dictation. I watched a little Kay Authur while cleaning my room. Now I am ready to go to bed.

My children love their family life. We are a new family since the discipline of the Lord separated my children awhile to boarding school. There is a sweet (not perfect) spirit around the home.

I love God and I am so happy the way that He is blessing me. I am praying a lot for a couple of people close to me, for my hospital and for my family. I do have problems in my life, but His lovingkindness is better than life.

Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not to your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.

God bless you.

Hello from Chattanooga

2007-08-18T18:40:00.001-07:00

I am at a Bible conference with the following people: Kay Arthur and Precepts Ministries with the following guests: Greg Laurie, James MacDonald, Chip Ingram, these other people whose names I don't remember. I get the same thing when I go to church though. The same songs and Bible Studies. That is refreshing, not that I get the same thing at home but that the same thing can be found in "big names" and people and places. (Not that Chattanooga is a big place. Do you know what State it is in?) I think what makes weekends like this so great is hour after hour of Bible Study on top of each other and lots of prayer and worship and prayer time and no other time to think of anything else except God.

But what good would it be if God didn't meet us here? What good would it be if You left us Lord? He is so kind. "What is man that You are mindful of him or the son of man that you care for him?" Can you believe it? He crowned us a little lower than God? I had to re-read that in Psalm 8. "A little lower than God?" Yes, that it what it read in my book. And through Jesus Christ that original glory can be restored unto us. And yet, who are we to claim it? Yet who are we to deny it, to deny God from using our bodies to do His will?

On the first morning of this three day weekend, we were in a prayer and the speaker asked us to bring to mind that which we had the hardest time believing God and trusting Him in our lives for. Well, right away, I thought of nothing, and I thought that I would keep myself open before God and I asked that He would bring to mind that which was the correct answer for my life. Before my mind came the clear impression - not of some secret sin that I needed Him to expose or some un-surrendered part of my life - but what came was the fact that I have the most trouble trusting Him in the area that He can/will use me in my career of psychiatry.

This impression was beautiful to me and the tears flowed down my eyes and rolled down my neck. It was precious because being this sort of person that God said of me was what fits for me and what I want to do too. Yet, I don't, or rather I didn't want to do that because it was, is, seems to be so limiting of the power of God. So vacant of His glory, so distant from His glorious word of the Bible. Yet now I know that like the servant who gave last minute discounts in Luke, that he was shrewd and in the same way, what seems worldly is not worldly because when the world's system of mammon fails, will there be spiritual friends made in heaven? Did you not know that he who is faithful in little is also faithful in much? God has called me to be faithful in a very little thing, being a doctor and advisor in the capacity of Medical Director of a hospital. If I will be faithful in this very little thing, then God knows that I will be faithful in a much bigger thing involving spiritual destinies and spiritual truths.

So I have given myself to my God to be used as He wants in whatever way He wants and however He wants. You know what is fun about being in Tennessee? (Hint, the name of the State.) I can praise the Lord and no one is watching me because nobody knows me here. Song after song after song. I can pray to God because I don't have anything else on my schedule. I can attend every session and then stop by the prayer table at the end because I'm not done yet.

This is what my heart has been burdened with. I am so burdened about my boss because I believe that she is really being attacked by the devil and is hardly equipped for it. Yet I know that these attacks are equipping from the Lord, if only she will stand. I have had the opportunity to witness to her before I left. I wrote her a note on what was like my prescription pad and had the verses on it: "and having done everything to stand, stand. Stand therefore..." and this verse: "Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you. He will never allow the righteous to be shaken." When I arrived from my flight to Nashville, I texted my boss that it was 106 degrees and a turbulent landing but that I was here and I thanked her, I guess for letting me leave as it is a rough time at the hospital. She texted me back and wrote me a little expression that was such a round about way of expressing a very sweet sentiment. I was so touched, and glad that she wasn't negative about my preaching, which she has never been but is welcoming of it.

That, of course is of God. And what else will God do, if only I believe? Well, I have believed – this imperfect broken pot holding the holy water of God. No, not even holding any water, rather rivers of living water, this is what I want. Oswald Chambers says that what God wants to do through you is not for you to hold but to observe as He passes rivers of His living water through you. And he says that if you are bitter and sour it is because God gave you a blessing that you hoarded rather than letting it flow through you to others. So, whether I am a broken pot or a broken vessel, all I know, by faith is that He is alive and therefore He has made me alive for Him.

I was reading a bit of Billy Graham's book that was written recently about his role with 11 Presidents and how he was a minister and counselor to those men. I think about what I have become in my role and how much I want to continue to have the sort of advisory role that I have and how much I love it. I wonder if God can continue to use me like this, and let me minister and counsel others who are bigger and more important than me to do their jobs.

I am worried, well, worried isn't the right word. I am troubled. No, that isn't right either. I am not actually worried or troubled, although many people around me are. Actually I can feel their panic. I am not worried when I look through what I presume are God's eyes and realize that troubles cause us to redirect our course of travel, to adjust where we would not otherwise adjust. Troubles allow our faith to grow as we can behold His deliverance. When we worry we learn that anxieties are to be laid at His feet and He can change our chemistry without side effects.

What has caused me to pray a lot (we'll just put it that way) is that our hospital may be in trouble and we have surveyors coming next week or the week after. I am praying the Lord will allow our hospital to be a wonder.

I have so much more to say, especially about my husband and family and how God is moving there, but I think this is enough for now.

Life is odd

2007-08-10T06:24:00.000-07:00

Life is hard. Some parts are great. Smooth sailing ahead when, "I have learned the secret to be content in any circumstance." Paul of the Bible said that. I feel that way sometimes.

Yesterday was good at work but long. Home was difficult. My children for the most part are disrespectful. I think that it is reasonable to expect that they are respectful. I don't like making excuses for their behavior, or hearing those excuses.

Work was good in that what I got to do and who I got to do it with and what I got to create was great. I was long though and I have so much work on my desk to do right now.

"Trust in the Lord with all of thine heart and lean not to thine own understanding. In all of thine ways acknowledge Him and He will direct thy paths."

Dear Father,
Be with my husband and family today. Be with work. Though the storms at sea seem real and the waters appear rough, You can make my boat sail smoothly, because circumstances do not dictate what You are doing as if You are tossed by the world. You hold the world together. Therefore, be God in my life and in the circumstances of my life. Right now provide the mind of Christ for me and enable me to respond to my world from the location of seated far above in the heavenly realm in Christ, where I am seated in Christ Jesus. I give You the power and locus of control in my life! You are faithful and You do all things well! Amen

So what's up?

2007-08-05T20:57:00.001-07:00

I guess that I haven't been writing that much. I guess because there is SO much going on in my rest of my life and I am so busy. Life is so many emotions. It is great and hard. Difficult and fun. Lots of adjustments on so many levels. I am sorry that I am not around. God is so good. I am keeping in Christ. Be back sometime. Love to you and blessings.

Medical Director

2007-07-25T06:56:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I got the official job of Medical Director.

Living a Dream
Yet it is me
Living a fantasy
Christ in me

Living with God
Walking along side with friends
Life is full and rich
The substance is in Him

So never let me forget
Don't let me go astray
With great things
comes the responsibility
to lay everything
at His feet

Christ will use me
As He wants
I let myself go
into the Potter's hand

God is wise and true
He is faithful and kind
He will hold on to me
and never let me go

At the end of time
I will see His face
Having accomplished His work
all by His hand of grace

We will meet there in the air
The Lord and I will know
That Christ in me
can do all things
and none of it
by my hand alone

I am risen.

2007-07-14T04:46:00.000-07:00

Life does not consist in the abundance of circumstances. "This is eternal life, that they may know You," Jesus said to His Father, if I remember correctly.

I have a good life. But do you ever look around and get afraid? That is my problem this night, as I sit here in the middle of the night writing on my blog and feeling worried. What I did was take my eyes off of Christ.

I see my financial worries. I see things that hang in the balance. I see people that are in charge of things and wonder how I can trust them. I can't trust them. I rely on Christ. In Christ alone.

Remember Paul in the Bible and the thorn in his side? That thorn bothered him so much and it was so difficult for him. However, where in the Bible do we see that the thorn inhibited Paul's actual ministry in terms of God's work in and through Paul? God's work was done. Despite the thorn. The thorn limited Paul, not God. The thorn is a distant memory as Christ is exalted through the life that God exalted in Christ.

Tears came to my eyes now as I paused and as I redirected my mind and listened again to the words of the hymn, "In Christ alone" that is playing now on my Napster. God is so good to me. He is my reassurance. He isn't letting go. Yes, I worry. I worry when I listen to my husband's worries, but he is not looking to Christ. I look to Christ. God won't let go.

Dear God, the Almighty Father and Lord of the world,

This world may and will fail but You will never fail me. I hate being squeezed into the world's mold as I am working as an executive at the hospital. Yet, who am I to be self-righteous? Am I being squeezed away from Christ or is my eternal body, so to speak, is that the only thing that is changing? Lord, help me to be victorious! Though I become all things to all men in order to win some to Christ, let my testimony be unshaken. Purify Christ though me.

God, please don't let the finances fail. Equip my husband to do what You have called him to do and be. I know You run things. Don't let go. Continue to encourage me. Continue to hold me. Continue to maintain my house and home. Be with the doctor's BBQ next week at my house. Please don't let go of me or my ministries or work. Please use me like a bird called from far away to do Your work. Keep my eyes on You. Let me not lose my faith or the vision that You have just shown and given me. Lord, You are faithful.

Father, I have a beautiful office and home. I appreciate these things so much but I know that they are not the substance of things. The substance is Christ. The earth will be shaken from its axis one day, but You will never be shaken. The things of earth will pass away, but Your work will never pass away. Your faith. Your love. Your joy. My hope in You.

Fill me now with Your Holy Spirit to go on like I was before. Help me to pick up my feet and run again. Let me look to Christ, the author and finisher or my faith! “When fears are stilled and when strivings cease!” Fill me now as I go back to sleep and let me wake up refreshed in You for another day. Let me not look to the things of this world. You have never failed me! You have given me these things and though I can not trust in them, it is reasonable that You give us stability and we shouldn't fear that any day, and day by day that they are going to be wiped out, because then how could we not panic? It is the Father's responsibility to care for the needs of the children.

Oh Father! You are reassuring me, aren't You? That was the meaning, the assurance behind the tears I just cried. You will take care of my husband and it is appropriate that I am letting him find His way. You are in charge of the finances and I need to let him be the husband and provider and caregiver that You are letting him be without me going in and controlling and “fixing” things. Please don't let go God. Please be with us.

"No guilt in life, No fear in death, this is the power of Christ in me." Death of whatever. Death of God's things? Death of God's work? Death of the ministry that God has called us to? No. There is no fear of death. Christ took that away. He robbed Satan of the power of death! He stands in victory. Death has lost its grip on me. I am bought with the blood of Christ. His valuable blood. “Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.” By God's strength holding up every last fiber of my weak and corruptible body, Christ takes on incorruptible.

Jesus Commands my Destiny

2007-07-11T06:28:00.001-07:00

'Til He returns, or calls me home, here in the power of Christ I'll stand. Here I'll stand. In Christ alone."

I'm listening to Avalon, "In Christ Alone." Oh my, Oh yeah.

I haven't been sleeping a lot lately. 5-6 hours isn't enough for me, sometimes less, or more. I get worried about it sometimes, until I know and remember that God will give me all the strength that I need. I don't need too much of my own strength, my own energy. When I am physically weak, when I am emotionally frail, Christ can be strong.

"When fears are stilled, when strivings cease."

Important meetings today.

"Scorned by the ones he came to save."

I am blessed. I am not scorned. Yet let me not relax and begin to look to men for my comfort or reward. May God burst forth and bless my every meeting, my every conversation, seasoned with salt and a wonder to behold, that Christ is alive and works through me. That Jesus is my friend. May those who know my strength experience the life of Christ through me. May God be glorifed, and may He do what He wants. May my purpose be His, and His alone. My life yeilded for Him, spilled out. May He bless the hospital through me and may God alive come and may my boss, who knows my Hope, see the life of Christ literally transform the hospital and her day today.

"For every sin in Him was laid."

"There in the ground, His body laid... Then bursting forth in glorious day, up from the grave, He rose again. And as He stands in victory...For I am His and He is mine, bought with the precious blood of Christ."

"No guilt in life, no fear in death, this is the power of Christ in me, from life's first cry, to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny."

Things look different now

2007-07-07T23:47:00.000-07:00

Reviewing my entry from last week was really interesting, because I have grown from then to now and am a lot more whole and better. God has done so much in a week that I barely recognize myself. I am still the person that I wrote about last week. But I am better, victorious, enabled. It is good to see the situation for what it is sometimes. God has taken me past where I was and gave me a rock to place my feet and from there has let me climb higher.

Monday night is our Women's Bible Study at our home. I am really surprised because I think 7 people may be there.

So much I could write about. I am filled with so much that is happening. I can not contain everything.

Life moves on and sometimes it is confusing. Give it all to God and fly with Him!

I have a besutiful office in the center of the hospital that is the most beautiful office in the whole place. I have a boss with whom I trust and enjoy and who helps me to do what I do better. God has given me a ministry in psychiatry and caring for His people and I am in love with my husband. I do have problems and worries. Who cares? On the solid ground my feet stand. May God help me to stand.

"Now to Him Who is able to keep you from stumbling and Who is able to present you faultless and without blame before His glorious throne with exceeding joy, to the only wise God our Savior Christ!" To Him be the praise and the glory. In Him is life and the light of men!

Dear Father,
My salvation, my King and Prince of Peace,
Take my life and fill me with Thy Holy Spirit. Let me not use my eyes to see, but let me follow Your voice of the comforting and guiding Shepherd. Father I pray for my one friend in particular that You would continue to do all that You have begun and do so with the force and might of a spiritual Niagra Falls. Thank You so much for Your grace and love. These substance of things are contained in You. The things that I enjoy that are of this world are a passing vapor and You are the substance. Bless my husband and family that I give to You. Bless my hospital and boss. Bring a great peace to each of the women in the Bible Study and do not let anything inhibit their attendance. Magnify Your word! Unite us together. Sanctify us in Thy truth. Protect us from the evil one and protect us in Your name! Amen.

Well Friends,
I guess I don't have a lot of spark in this blog, but I appreciate your presence and pray that God blesses you this day.

Hardware

2007-06-30T19:19:00.000-07:00

"Help my mind to conceive what it is that You want to do," is what I prayed at the prayer group.

"I Believe I can fly." Remember that song?

Oswald Chambers said in his little great devotional book that we don't really know ourselves until we know of ourselves in the midst of relationships. There, in that connection between two people is a part of ourselves we don't otherwise know.

Maybe that part of ourselves isn't even there without the relationship touching it and making it alive, like a part of the body, of the skin that a blind person never knows until it is touched and it is discovered comes to life.

Are you a broken person? I am. Yet, as I have become strong, I have allowed my brokenness to be better seen. It is sad, but good also. The scars. The damaged skin. The pain that can be imagined when you look at the damage. A hurrican Andrew was here I guess, the visitors to Charleston say. I don't think I am a Katrina, so I didn't use that anaology. Don't want to be overly dramatic.

Yeah, I am broken, but not that bad, but actually, pretty bad too. And the "who I am" is the sum of three parts. There's me. Then there is the one who acts like she is me and gets everything done and does it well. Then there is the Holy Spirit Who watches over me and keeps it all working.

Someone saw the real me the other day, and I wasn't expecting her to see me that way, but she had been paying really close attention, and I guess I let my guard down, because I was trying to get to know her, and she got to know me. Funny how that happened.

I feel so pathetic sometimes. Do you ever feel that way? I am so pathetically needy. That is the way that broken people are, I guess. Well, the needy kind of broken people. It is really so pathetic, their broken lives, oozing with, well, brokenness and a desire for somebody else to make them whole.

Because Christ is my life, He has enabled me. He has given me a husband who has been a nourisher and provider for me. He has sent another friend who has been a listening ear and counselor to me by her acceptance and continual supply of love and empathy and encouragement.

I don't want to talk about what is really going on right now with any more specificity, but let me see if I can tie the ends together a little bit more.

I need God to open my mind to be what He wants and not just walk in the tradition of men. This applies for my work, my view of work and the world, and my relationships. God is working and changing and doing new things and I need to be transformed in my mind to understand it and walk in the light of it and move according to His Spirit.

I am not into positive self talk. However, there is a from of pride that looks like humility but it is really pride. When God gives a gift He expects it to be exercised, not to be quelched with a false sense of graciousness and humility. Sometimes flying may make others to think that you are full of pride, but people are frequently misdirected. I need to follow God, and for me I think that means standing up and claiming the land that He has given me and being bold. It is flying when there is a sign up that says, "your mother wouldn't like this" and flying anyway because I am all grown up now. It is flying when there is a sign that says, "Christian women aren't stronger than men in the community workforce." Go to hell, God told me to claim this damn mountain and that is what I am doing. Doesn't look pretty, but it is effective.

As far as the relationship thing and Oswald's book, I found new places in me, or drowsy, sleepy places in this new relationship that I have and it is pretty interesting. But it is disturbing because it touches parts of my broken insides, broken due to past relationships that hurt me, not all other people's fault (much). There were cirsumstances. I am a difficult person, too strong willed by nature, but God didn't do that by accident either (making me too strong for my own good sometimes).

Because Christ is my life, and because I have been in intimate relationships and have important ones, I can sit with the pain and not act out on it. I can sit here now and wish I didn't ache inside. Why am I aching? No particular reason, other than, the relationship aroused pain from turbulance - opened wounds that touched old scars and so it just hurts. If the pain could talk it would say, "hold me." But then, if held it would say, "Don't touch me." It is like one of those no-win situations. When someone says one thing but does the other and then doesn't even see the ridiculous nonsence that they do. Stupid stuff. Stupid pain.

People like me need to know that others don't really want to wallow in your irrationality unless they are irrational themselves, and then there is no way out or the sick and disturbed relationship (okay, exageration - there is a way out). It is best to be mature. Like when a wound hurts and the nurse in the ER says to sit still so she can clean it. Sit still damn it. Don't make a scene.

Then later, you can act like a normal human being with the person who trampled upon your Katrina back yard with the upside down truck sitting on the roof with the mold growing in the termite infested walls. You smile and remember how normal people act. "How are you today? That's good, and how was your weekend? Great, mine too. Would you like a bit of lunch?" Real normal-like.

"There, that wasn't too bad, was it?" Says the ER nurse. "Now give it seven days and we'll take the stiches out." "In six weeks the cast will come off and after the three months of physical therapy we'll take the halo off the neck. Next year the third surgery will remove the hardware. Have a great day."

"And in all things we are more than conquerors through Christ who loves us!"

Helmet of Salvation

2007-06-18T08:12:00.000-07:00

In the Bible, there is the "helmet of salvation" that one wears when putting on the whole armor of God. I used to ponder that and wonder why it was called that? What exactly is it that we cover with our head when we wear the helmet of salvation and how does one do that?

These days I have been wearing the helmet of salvation and for me this is what it is. It is when everything is too confusing to figure out, with the "voices" in your head (not psychotic voices, but doubting thoughts) argue with your common sense and you don't have your common sense anymore because you are following hard after Christ and he is leading you in a way in which you can not depend upon your common sense. You have given up common sense and are having the mind of Christ and are walking in power and strength and effecting change and then the thoughts get you down and you begin to wonder. You try to make sense of the nuance if things but then get discouraged.

Then there is the helmet of salvation. "Jesus loves me, I'm saved and going to heaven." "Jesus loves me, I'm saved and going to heaven." "Jesus loves me, I'm saved and going to heaven." "Jesus loves me, I'm saved and going to heaven." "Jesus loves me, I'm saved and going to heaven."

It is so simple and the mind clears, and for today, there really isn't anything else that I need to know. I'm saved and I'm going to heaven.

Now that's Fun!

2007-06-11T08:35:00.000-07:00

"Direct me in the path of your commands, for there I find delight."

I found a hidden source of joy. Joy in obeying God in the difficult things. Like being a wife. Life being a slave (or a servant that thinks like a slave).

That was a "YUCK!!!" situation through my entire childhood and growing up until I became a Christian at 21. Even then, God had mercy upon me, drawing me in His lovingkindness unto Himself and being patient with me.

Well, now again, when I think of it, maybe not. I mean, from His perspective it was lovingkindness. From my perspective it was, "Where is God when you really need Him?" "How come He isn't listening to my prayers?" And frankly, I told Him many a time that He did not know what He was doing and how He was really screwing up my life and I didn't appreciate it at all.

Then when I had walked in the Lord for about ten years, just as I was walking in a parking lot, I thought about how bad my attitude had been with the Lord in regards to my husband. I just decided that I didn't want to have that bad attitude anymore and sort of like apologized to God. It wasn't like I was a lot different right away I guess. But from His perspective, I guess that I was.

So, anyway, there is a new delight that I am finding, a secret joy, reserved for the narrow path walkers. The joy of submission to earthly and governmental authorities of earth due to the respect and fear of the Lord.

That is another thing. The fear of the Lord and the fear of sinning. I want to have a tremendous fear of sinning. Because sin takes us to the path of death and opens the door of the enemy and eventually there are going to be really big problems and a fall and the sorrow of regret that stings.

So, have a fun filled day - in the Lord, the source of Living water and joy. And remember what Jesus said in the parable about the good servant (I think that is where He said it), "Come now and enter into the joy of your master." He is our Master and He has joy indescribable waiting for us, prepared especially for us as He creates rooms and duties just right for us in eternity that will specifically thrill our hearts. Gotta run!

I'm Blessed!

2007-05-31T19:35:00.000-07:00

What a blessing that it is to share with you!

Today my daughter traveled into her 50th State. Yesterday I entered into my 50th State (that is because I have been to Connecticut before but she hadn't).

Today was kind of depressing, and then I realized that was because I just accomplished this really big goal and that is the way that that goes. I mean, there is the excitement for having gotten it done, and then there is the let down that is normal. The thing to do in that situation is to focus on your new goals.

Before I focused on the new goals, I thought about really what a big accomplishment that this was, that the Lord has been so gracious to let my daughter and I share. 50 states visited. Even if there was only one day per state, that is 50 days. Then there is Alaska and Hawaii. This has been quite an adventure for us over these past 5 years since we really set to doing this mother/daughter adventure. And the money and the time and support from hubby and other family, and, yeah. Wow. What fun it has been, but I am glad it is over, and just in time. For this time in my life is changing. This adventure began when I was home schooling my children. This adventure also involved the other family members for awhile, until it seemed that it was just going to be my daughter and I to carry it all the way home.

Now times are a-changing. Next summer my daughter will graduate high school. Currently, my life is going 90 degrees somewhere else, and just in time because my kids are growing up and my husband is becoming increasingly perfectly involved and perfected as an active and involved father. I am allowed by God to get more involved in my work and it is perfect for me, because my kids are transitioning onward and that is hard for me to deal with. Becoming more consumed in a different area, helps my family to grow naturally without an overbearing person breathing down their necks.

So, for the new goals. I made a list. But before I made the list, I realized what I really want. Not goals. Not accomplishments in this world. There is one thing I want. One thing I have. One thing I am looking forward to and it is found in Romans 6:5.

"Certainly we shall also be in the likeness of His resurrection."

Oh, to be like Him. But I suppose better than even that, is to be with Him. Who cares what I am, if I am with Him, in Him, seen by Him? That is fulfillment. What earthly goal compares?

"He is enough for me!" as the song goes. Oh, to find our fulfillment in Him, to rest in Him and be known in Him.

Okay, the new goals. What were they again?

Oh yeah. That I could be a successful medical director at my hospital for like ten years. That I would get my MBA in these next two years. That I would receieve what the Lord has laid out for me to accept my husband and family wrapping their world around my little career and likewise that I would accept the hospital wrapping itself around my being the medical director. Oh, and this is a good one - that I would love people from the depth of the heart according to Christ - and I wouldn't waiver, or be ashamed, but I would do it anyway. Other goals, that I would help my daughter get into her college program. That I would get right back into the eating and exercise program once I get back home from this trip and that I would be the Precepts Bible Teacher and allow the Lord to grow that according to His direction and plan. And all these things are up to God. If He wants to do them. But you know, God is so cool. He has really blessed me and my goals, but I have tried to construct these goals, not according to my flesh, but as I think they are consistent with God's working.

There is a really cool verse that I found in Colossians, I think it is there. It talks about Paul's purpose and says how he labors and "and striving according to God's power that works mightily in me."

Isn't that cool? To be running unencumbered, "striving" but not according to the flesh, but according to God's power and consistent with His purpose for our lives and that the power of God and the Holy Spirit would be mighty in us.

Remember, keep getting filled. Keep the tank filled with God's perspective and not our own ideas and thoughts of our little selves. Keep free from the drag that pulls us down and remember that when you are down for a day, that is called NORMAL. When you are discouraged because you give and give and who gives to you, that is called NORMAL and go on. And stop for more gas.

God bless you, and may you be filled in the inner man with His power that works mightily in you. For God's pleasure, be filled.

Amen!

Vacation yet with nagging fears

2007-05-28T05:57:00.000-07:00

I'm on vacation and in New Hampshire. Today is Memorial Day. I'm glad that I don't have anyone I love in battle in Iraq or elsewhere. How scary.

Life is scary. Faith is not for the timid. What frightens me now? Well, money - not having what I need for my child's school next year that I think the Lord is having her go to, and not having enough money to pay for my school program with the MBA. But where God guides, God provides. However, He often takes to the final little step and waa-laa, provides, meanwhile you get two ulcers while your faith is stretched.

What also scares me is that I am taking too much time off on this big, long two and a half week vacation. But God has been with me for all of these big, long vacations over the years during which time my daughter and I have visited 48-49 states - will complete all 50 in the next couple of days!

I'm looking forward to work. But I guess, while we are talking about fears, that, what if people rebel against the idea of ME being in charge there?

I have always had fears, but I have always had this weird and super-propelling motivation to overcome. To overcome misconceptions about me that had been placed upon me since the time I was born. I felt like I was mislabeled, misplaced, misdirected and without choice or vote. So I raised up and made a difference. Worked hard and well. Then I was somebody that people didn't expect, because they didn't actually listen in the first place. Now I am at a place that I enjoy work, do it well, know how to lead, know how to trust God and do justly and to lead in the fear of the Lord. And I think God has opened doors for me. And I want to walk in them.

Then there are the fears that distract me, but there have always been the fears and will always be the fears. Except these past two days, because I have become actually lazy and relaxed on this trip.

I realize that one can comfortably (or at least me) adjust to either six or ten hours of sleep a night. Anywhere inbetween, but less or more is a problem. Ten is nice. Lazy. Yeah.

Do you feel like an idiot?

2007-05-22T19:08:00.000-07:00

I feel like an idiot when I care about something and put my heart out there and feel like I am all alone out there. Do you ever feel that way? Do you know what I mean?

It's like. It's like I am an out-front sort-of person. Life is too short to ignore what I am feeling, so I like to put it out there. Like you know, this blog for example. It is easier to say what is on my mind that to not to do that. And in life, it is easier to care about someone that you care about than not to. It is easier to go for something than not to.

But then. There it is. The idiot spectacle. Like you're the only one that has shown up to that party. Wearing the funny get-up. Like you're the one who said the joke that nobody else laughed at. All alone. Ha, ha. Funny. Right.

I read something great in the Bible tonight. It is located in Ephesians. It says that we have "boldness and confident assess through faith in Christ." You know, I suppose that is talking about boldness and confident assess to God through Jesus. I'd have to go back and revisit the text. However, even if the text was speaking about that more limited situation, there is also the verse in Proverbs that speaks of "the righteous are as bold as a lion."

There is a part of me that is running hard and I just don't want to trip onto my big face. I don't want to regret and live in hesitancy, but I don't want to be an idiot either.

I know! It is time for a prayer!!!!!!!

"My Great and Perfect Heavenly Father God in heaven who hears me and loves me:

Father God, you know the exact situation that happened this evening to which I am referring. I pray in Jesus name, that You, dear Father, would bless my words and my thoughts that I put forth this evening in Your Son's name. Help me not to look overly emotional or unbalanced. Help that You would put out of the recipient’s mind anything that the devil would try to put in there and You, dear Father would protect our communication. Father. Commune. Communication - bless that between the recipient and I tonight in Jesus name. Let that person see the love of Christ and not be afraid of You and to step out in boldness and receive the love of the Father and the peace that comes from obedience. Father, let those who are reading this blog pray along with me and may You hear their prayers on my behalf and reward them specifically in heaven. Father, for this recipient, please enable that person to not be disobedient to Your vision, Your plan and Your ways and method. Also, Father please help me to be patient and calm and waiting and not frightening to the recipient. Rather, let our communication be as water to a thirst and calm to a rough sea. Help me to be the way You want. Please bless my ability to be the specific type of worker that You would have me to be. Please further Your cause tonight and bless me specifically in this communication as she thinks about what I have said. In Jesus' name and for His glory. Amen”

Faith is the reality

2007-05-15T22:31:00.000-07:00

Today when I went to Starbucks there was a laminated card that someone had placed on a table. It was a track about the salvation of Jesus Christ. The version of the Bible had the famous quotation from that Hebrews verse that goes (according to my remembrance of the familiar rendition): “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the essence of things not yet seen.” The version on the card that was left on the table went something like this: “Faith is the reality…” I thought about that repeatedly throughout the day today. “Faith is the reality.” Faith is reality. Reality is not the things we see. Reality is the things God sees. See with the eyes of God. That is our challenge today. The things that are difficult help us to exercise our spiritual eyes, as we strain to see Him. As we realize we need Him. As we try to embrace Him to help us.

“Praise, praise we lift our hearts and praise, praise,” as a familiar song goes. Sometimes it is easier than other times. But all times are in His hands. Good times and bad times, but in His hands all things are made into good because God has a plan for our lives. A Plan for good and not for harm.

So we need to trust in Him. Those things that break us, break us and hurt us, but He lifts us up again. When He lifts us we are more refined, more pure, more golden and are lives are a greater reflection of who He is. He is pleased. We are becoming transformed into His image. Our minds are being renewed. He smiles. “Well done.” Can’t you hear it? Don’t you want to hear it? Let your life go and fall into the mighty and holy and capable arms of the living God. Let the cry of the depth of your heart be, “Catch me, here I collapse as all of my strength is released into the trust of who You are.”

So let us give ourselves to the task at hand. Let us run and labor with our whole strength in Him, yet not of ourselves but the strength of God in us. Let us hold the plow and not look back. When God chooses you and brings you to a new point, when He has chosen to define you in such a way that is pleasing to Him, don’t turn back and look at yourself in any other way again.

You are His workmanship. He sees us as we really are, pure and blameless in the Beloved. Obey the minute you hear His voice and do what He says with first time obedience. Do not spurn the grace of God.

Blessings to you all in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ.

This is it

2007-05-09T06:22:00.000-07:00

"We fight not against flesh and blood."

"Stand firm therefore."

I love the verses in the Bible that speak about working hard and letting your hands be strong, and about having your work rewarded. I never ran into so many verses like that.

It is such an encouragement when I know that God is with me.

I like the verses in Ephesians that speak of being filled up with the fullness of God. In Christ, we can carry out His purpose in our lives.

I like remembering that I am a creation of His. I do not have any innate Spiritual capacity. I am poor in Spirit. I am a clay pot. I am His vessel. Everything is for Him and to Him and by Him. Anything apart from Him is just silly, at its best - worthless.

So carry on in the fullness of Christ, dear Friends, for our redemption is drawing near!

Candy of the mind

2007-05-03T23:00:00.000-07:00

I feel like someone gave me the keys to the candy store. I have trouble sleeping because of all the excitment I can barely contain in this human body and I don't even eat as much (except right now I am munching on chocolate and making up for it)! I feel like all my life has been a perfect set up for right now. I feel happy, giddy and trying to repeat over and over about not giving in to pride. I feel like I am holding the world in my hands yet I have given up the whole world, yet there it is. All the candy in the world. Yet, it is given up. Yet there. For me to enjoy. Am I dreaming? How can I be? I can't even sleep. Hello? Hello? Are you still there? Hummm.....this is nice.

There is no need to grab what He gives freely.

2007-04-29T07:10:00.000-07:00

I'm getting ready for church now.

You ever think about how when life is really, really hard, it is a time that God is changing your boat in a different direction and it hurts and it is scary? I had a hard time last fall and winter with some financial issues and it was really a problem over my trying to manipulate my husband and a problem over making assumptions about what I thought that was right.

In the end I changed. I changed as I was flat out day after day before the Lord crying with my guts inside out, "Abba Father!" He told me that everything was going to be all right. He was going to bring our family into a new land, a new place where we would not be a curse but a blessing and I needed to keep my working hands strong. He spoke to me through His Word and prayer, not directly really but indirectly. I believed Him and He was able to open my mind to new ideas and concepts.

A new idea is that God has a plan for my life and it does include working and working hard and strong for Him and there is nothing wrong with that.

It is amazing as I witnessed a woman at the hospital scold her daughter yesterday because she was at "my job" (her words) and she needed to ask her father to take her or pick her up from where ever she was. The child wasn't able to find the father and was calling the mother. I felt the rejection and confusion of the daughter, just looking for the parent to help her and the conflict between the parents as to who was going to care about this little detail and the possession of the woman with her job. I felt sad for them and prayed for them a little. I felt SO BLESSED that I don't have ANY of those problems and I don't have a little Saturday job. I have a huge job with a lot of responsibilities where you would think there would be more “grabbiness” and possession of "my job." The Lord has paved the way. There is no need to grab what He gives freely.

Lord, I pray that You would clear the way for my path and sustain me in whatever You would have me to do. I give You my money, my family, my time and my job and thank You SO MUCH that You have so blessed me. I really enjoy how I spend my time and thank You for opening the door. I never would have imagined. You are such a creative God!

Today so far

2007-04-27T08:47:00.000-07:00

Today so far I heard the following Bible messages. "Let your light so shine before men that they see your good works and glorify your Father who is in heaven." I remember when I was a new Christian and read that on a book mark and I almost looked around the room wondering if other people saw what I saw as I read that. It was an amazing thing to me. Also about that same time, as a youth, the Lord gave me a song, but again, there was that amazement, "Is God sending me a message?" This morning while exercising I listened to it a few times. It is called, "Vienna waits for you," where the title says it all. (It is about the fact that you don't have to strive to get there. The "hidden" meaning is that just as in Vienna, a town of great and famous composers, it doesn't matter when you are born, or how fast you work, because the work is exceptional, it will be honored, so don't try to rush the whole deal. I'm not a great composer, but the point is the point, even on a lesser scale.) Also, this morning twice by two separate ways, the same message of realizing that before God, there is no fame on earth, no great glory. Everything will end here on earth and in heaven it is a whole new system. So don't think you are somebody when you are not. Finally, do not do your righteous acts before men to be seen by men but do your righteous acts before your Father to be seen by Him. Yesterday I was really struck by the issue of family, and that theme also continued into this morning also. I am wondering how the Lord may use my inability to adopt a boy or boys last year by transferring some of that bitterness of that loss into an ability to "adopt" and care for people in a family of a work place and at a hospital where people without families are stuggling to get care. Same heart of a Father, of a mother, of me. Lord, let it be.

Who I am

2007-04-26T08:56:00.000-07:00

I am an accident of a child who was born into the wrong family twice. I am a sinner who has known the fury or her own rage and wrath as a small child and knows how to kill from the heart. I am ill-equiped, ill-defined and lack self control.

"There's another place, where our Father waits, where every knee shall bow, where sin will have no trace."

I don't expect you to understand. "No, she's not really a sinner like that. She's not really that bad. She ought not to think of herself that way."

What is truth? Truth is reality, whether we like to see it or not.

I prayed today.

I remember when I prayed when I was 28 years old and studying for part I of the National Boards. I had a prayer session with the Lord in which I accepted that He had willed me to be a doctor and He WAS going to see me through and every person I touched and everything I did would be in Jesus' name. It was like an oath that I received from God. That I also gave to God.

Well today, I give a similar oath and receive a similar oath. I am not of myself. Seeing my own lack, my own deep internal sense of who I am is okay. Everybody has fears and knowledge like I do. So what? Covering it up is just silly. God takes and uses the weak things of the world to profound the wise. He loves the simple. "Do not be wise in your own understanding." God will be with me and He will enable me to stand and He will fulfill His purpose for my life in HIm for the Son's glory and eternal purpose that I can not fully understand at all.

So God, be with me and be my legs so that I amy stand. Be my arms that I may give. Be my hope that I may live and love and be my heart so I may go forth in power and in truth. Fulfill Your purpose for my life. I am Yours alone.

"Every knee will bow, and sin will have no trace as we see His face and stand in His amazing grace."

"Called"

2007-04-25T07:03:00.000-07:00

Once the President said, before he was president, that he said that he thought that he has been "called" to be President. That is the way I feel about this job position, if I in fact get it.

During this time of waiting, I've been praying and seeking the Lord. The waiting has been really hard, like feeling you are suspended in mid air about to dive into a lake, but you don't know if it will be the beautiful cool watered lake you want, or one that is less desirable.

As I've have been waiting on Him and seeking His will and wanting His best I have come to realize that there is no way on God's green earth that He will be making anything other than completely orchestrated moves on my behalf for His glory and for His purposes that He has prepared beforehand that I might walk in them. And that is wonderful. I can rest in that. I can walk in Him, trying to understand what pleases the Lord and making the most of every opportunity.

Inspiration

2007-04-20T21:34:00.000-07:00

Does anyone have a husband that drives them nuts? But then again, someone that you are so glad that you do not have to live without? Along those same lines, does anyone ever feel like you wished things were different and you just wished that you could make it happen that way, some other dramatic way, but then you know that you are not going to do differently, because the love of Christ constrains you? You know that you have to keep perservering, because you are working for the glory of the King?

It has been a hard week, with applying for this special position and everything. On the other hand, I have been praying alot! Anyway, I went out to dinner tonight and my husband inspired me. And I feel better again. For now. Still waiting for the job and wondering, "Why wouldn't they hire me?"

Follow up

2007-04-16T06:14:00.000-07:00

Read the last entry if you haven't yet. Anyway, church yesterday was so awesome. I had emailed my pastor and a couple close friends my blog entry from last time to ask for their prayer support and let them know what was happening. I feel so supported.

The sermon yesterday at church was so on target for what I am going through, and applicable for my fear that I face at times. It was about that God does not give us a spirit of fear but of, what is that verse? Of faith and power and a sound mind. Also, that God puts words in our mouths when we don't know what to say, so we don't have to pre-plan everything or worry. Also, it was about how our testimony of our Christian witness in behavior and deed is a purifying influence in the community and a restraining influence until/before the time of tribulation. It encouraged me with boldness of standing firm in Him. It also encouraged me for the struggles that are at the hospital and gave me insights.

I was studying the Bible last week and the NIV in I Corinthians chapter 2 spoke of God's "manifestation of His Spirit for the common good" in "messages of wisdom," and "messages of knowledge" Also, the morning before my the lunch meeting to discuss my being the Medical Director of the hospital, I read in Ephesians Chapter 1 about God giving us wisdom and a spirit of revelation in Him. I found these verses to encourage me and to guide me and explain that God Himself was/is manifesting Himself, "for the common good." I am encouraged that God is bearing His fruit and maybe I don't see it because I am not putting the (flesh) effort into the process, but just staying connected to the Vine. It's His work.

I just sat there in church and was thinking, "I can't believe that this is happening to me."

I used to feel that I was dying a slow and painful death, year upon year of my personal misery and misfortune. Life was so hard. That was years ago when I had such struggles and was new in my faith. I tried to do things, and accomplish things in my flesh and when opportunities were not granted me I was so let down and crushed. Finally, I found my strength in the Lord and peace and life there and frankly, sort of, at times, forgot about the rest.

But secretly the longing for certain opportunities were there, semi-dormant inside of me. I covered those seeds with my own shame of having them. But is God's seed that wouldn't correctly grow in and of my own effort. It is God's fruit.

So, anyway, the meeting for the Medical Directorship went fabulous. I think anyway. May God complete the work that He has begun in me.

There is a great song that we sang at church yesterday. Some of the phrases go like this:

"I'm satisfied by Your love so completely,
How can I thirst for the praises of men?"

"Such peace and contentment I've found in your grace,
I can't think why I've ever complained,
I'm sustained."

"I don't need men's applause,
when I wonder my worth,
I remember the cross,
I'm sustained."

"When Your light surrounds me, the world goes away."

Pray that God would lead and direct the rest of the process! Thanks!

"But by My Spirit"

2007-04-11T22:40:00.000-07:00

I don't like roller coasters. My family loves the Six Flag Theme Parks, but not me. I hate roller coasters. But I love the excitement of life and that feels like a roller coaster sometimes.

I suppose I do love those sudden turns and drops. My adrenaline soars and I guess I am addicted to my own endorphins.

My mind has been spinning the last several nights. One thing after another. Go, go, go. Then I drop off to sleep or in the day, settle myself with a cup of Venti decafe and a ten minute break between attractions.

My children are doing fabulous, but I don't want to get into that right now. I suppose only to say that God is building them up to be leaders. He is building me up to be a leader. But somewhere inside of me, like between my ears and my knees, I know that am not equipped.

But then I remember David and Goliath, Daniel and the Lion's Den, my own past successes in Him, and I think about my King, the King of Kings. My Lord. He is the Master in the Air Tower Control Center and He does whatever He wants. He makes rich and brings down low. He has called me to a time such as this. I will yield to Him and His pleasure because it is not by my might, strength or power, but it is by the Spirit of the Lord, says the Lord of Hosts.

So, here I go.

I am tall enough to ride this ride. Tall enough to reach for the stars. Old enough to fly. Wise enough to lose myself to the only One who holds the whole world in His hands.

There is a new position that is opening up at my work and I am applying for it. Let me be more blunt. It is the main doctor who runs the place and oversees the other doctors. That is the position that is opening up.

I don’t work in a large hospital, but there are probably 12 or 14 doctors there daily. The current medical director is stepping down May 1st. I have been his temporary replacement when he has been gone before. I have been secretly waiting for this position for years. I think that I am in the best strategic position to actually get the job. The current Medical Director has recommended me to be the new Medical Director and I think that CEO wants to see me in this position. She wants to meet with me out for lunch Thursday. To talk about my interest in being the Acting Medical Director and then permanent Medical Director. However, there is a process that will roll out for probably a couple of months and other people will apply for the position. And if I am given this stewardship, there will be arrows aimed at my head, because that is the nature of leadership.

Meanwhile, there is a two and a half week vacation scheduled for me and my daughter that is in the middle of what seems to be the “wrong” time, but do I not know? God is the ruler of all things, over time and the epochs. He is not surprised about the time glitch.

As I look back over my life, do I not see that there have always been the in-your-face distractions that seem so big at the time but aren’t big with the passing of the moment?

Oh my prayer for myself this next day and the upcoming days and months! That God’s hand would bless me! Because I have asked and because I want to do His will and be pleasing to Him, not to just spend success on my own lusts but I desire His pleasure. He has my life and He owns my time. He may do what He wants with me, and as He has given me this day and this daily serving of bread; I will put to my lips and eat with pleasure. I will swallow the goodness He has brought to my taste. Oh, the honey He has given to me. Yet, I will not desire the king’s food, but be satisfied with what the Lord Himself feeds me. I do not want the things of this world or the passing pleasures of sin for a season. I want to fellowship with the Spirit of the Lord forever and sit with Him and dine with my Father in His presence forever.

So, bless your servant, Father. As Jesus asked Peter to lower the nets for a catch, so I lower my net. Are You not asking dear Lord? Is this not Your voice I hear and that I hearken to?

Fill up my boat with blessing too great for me alone to carry! May those around me have their boats filled also, and my Your bountiful hand come to us. May Your wrath be far from us, and may Your goodness go out before us, that we would walk in Your ways and seek to bless those around us with Your love and patience.

May my response be that of Peter’s when You filled His boat with the fish – on his face like a dead man – for You alone are God and You alone are holy and I, oh my God, am a sinful man! The separation from me and You ought to be so great for Thou art holy and I am not. Yet You have chosen to dine with me and have provided the means to that communion by Your own blood. You choose the weak and simple things of this world to profound the wise. You show the administration in the heavenlies that Thou art great and Your wisdom alone stands.

So in my weakness, in the space between my ears and my knees that is jellyfish, You alone be my ever present help in time of need.

I will go. Go with me, go. Teach me and I will hear You, for You art my great God and Your pleasure is my desire because communion with You is the fullness of life while I am on earth.

Bless my meeting tomorrow and the upcoming meetings and bring Your servant into the position You desire. For it is You alone whom I serve and I am unworthy, but I am so happy really, because I am Your workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works that Thou has prepared beforehand that I might walk in them.

Great is the glory of God and all those on earth and in the heavens shall one day see it as our Lord returns to rule and reign with His people forever. Amen.

The Name of the Lord is a Strong Tower and She that Runs into Him is Safe

2007-04-09T08:51:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning and kept saying that to myself (see title above).

You know, isn't it interesting all of the people who aren't interested in the things of God? Don't they think? Don't they realize that it is all going to end and they are going to stand before a Living God? Today's activities are the foundation for our future life in eternity! It is important!

Anyway, when I got home from my little, but long, trip yesterday, I was filled with the emotions of Genesis 3:16. That is, the feeling that my husband is really annoying. That I can't keep giving to everyone. (Hold your applause.)

I know that God has pushed me to be going in the way that I am going and that He has prepared beforehand certain works that I am to walk in.

Yesterday morning in the plane, before I got home, I was reading in Oswald Chambers that when we know God's nature, and when our life intersects God's nature, and we understand that nature as it pertains to us and our service to Him, then we are in a position to receive from Him His power and His enabling to do the work of service unto Him. And in that position, we are actually doing God's work and not simply acting in of ourselves to do what we think a God might like from our flesh.

Therefore, I don't really expect others to appreciate or understand that God is instructing me, so to speak, to do things for God that do not make sense from a common sense logical "Christendom" perspective, because the things I do, do not make sense to my logic. But I feel compelled that what I do is from God and He expects me to fulfill certain duties.

Contained within these duties is being a leader in the hospital where I work and being a leader in my home to be the worker that God has called me to do. I want to be a leader and God, I believe, has called me to be a leader also. Not to be a leader in the sense of a self-entitled witch who demands certain behavior changes in my husband and family members. Oh no. I suppose that would be easy, or at least that appears to be the natural flow of things.

I am to be a leader who waits upon the Lord for His fulfillment of His nature to be found in the members of this household. A leader who stands firm, not persuaded by fleeting emotions from the pit of hell or from the pit of my flesh. A leader who does what she can to maintain the best perspective, the accurate perspective that all things are working together for the good because I love God, because I am the called according to His good pleasure.

You know, images are important. Images on TV sell. Drink Coke. Got Milk? Mom puts forth certain images too. That she is the same today, yesterday and forever, in Christ. That she is always loving, all patient, and always kind. It's hard but it's important. It isn't always possible, but today I am hanging in there, maintaining the image that is an accurate reflection of God Himself, in so much as it depends upon me to carry it forth, yet not of myself but of God, as I hide in His tower of His name, the tower of strength.

So I yield and let God be God. I work my work and pull up my boot straps and go. I don't look where I just get discouraged, but I look unto Him who is worthy. For today.

Amazing Grace

2007-04-02T07:21:00.000-07:00

Can you ever get over God's grace? That He is satisfied with us? That there isn't anything we can do to earn His love? That He will never, no not ever, forsake us? I will never have to wake up from this dream. Jesus Christ has taken care of absolutely everything, so I thank You and praise You, Father. Amen.

God Alone (Part 1) and My Husband (Part 2)

2007-03-29T20:30:00.000-07:00

All alone, Lord, all alone
I serve you all alone
I kneel before your throne,
And I serve you
all alone.

I run by Your side
Or is it You
That runs by me?

I look to You
And You marvel back at me
Your grace is unknowable
You are a Friend to me

You are my Lord,
That is plain to see,
You are my passion,
my fragrance,
the power that is unleashed in me

Oh no!
Not of myself!
Not of my needs
You are the power
I find on my knees

You see the weakness in me
You take pity upon my frailty
You transform my mind
You create the life in me

So I will yield to You
And I will live
I will submit before You
You are Who I need

I come to You my Redeemer and Friend
Cleanse me now and let me see
the smallness of my ways
and the greatness of Thee

You share Your glory with no other
You are not pleased with me
Nor with anything I can do of myself
So live Your life though me

Live in me, Lord and sing
Dance Your jig with me
Satisfy my inward parts
With the truth of Thy word
And Your mere sufficiency

Nothing else do I want
Nothing else do I need
Forgive me for looking elsewhere
I pluck the eye out of me

Lay me bare and forsaken
Remove the “best” of my flesh
Reduce me to the ashes
And from there,
Lift me to nobility

For You alone are God
For You alone chose thrones
You alone see
and You alone determine victories

You alone create
And You alone kill
You alone wound
You alone heal

Take these bare bones
Remove the flesh from me
Give me strength in Your might
And I will stand
For all eternity

Andrea Bates 3-29-07

Part 2

My husband

My husband has fallen in love with me
I caught him looking at me
With a way only a woman knows to be
His heart is captivated
He's caught a spell of my mystery
He's held in God's grace
For there a man is gifted
When He recieves a woman from Thee

Two unrelated parts. Part 1: "Busy and sent," Part 2: "Tainted Love"

2007-03-24T10:07:00.000-07:00

Busy and Sent:

Today I am busy, and I have been busy and I will be busy this next week. There is a difference between being "sent out" to do work versus trying in and of yourself to achieve something to satisfy your own lusts. When you start out as a person of the latter, and then over 24 years of seeking after Christ and giving up your own path, and then find you are "felt led” and find that you are working and accomplishing things, but you don't even care about the gains (not really care about the gains, although you thank God for the gains and enjoy them and give them up as a worship offering to the Lord) but you are only trying to be a good Christian example and do what you know best that you are supposed to do in and for the name of Jesus and for His glory because the other doors have closed and you are pushed through the remaining door and find the blessing of God and the support of others including your pastor and all family members and your workplace while working in that arena that the door led to, and then you find that He is having you go to the same places that you may have supposed that you would have liked to have gone if you were doing it in your flesh, which you aren’t, it is kind of a trip. (How did you like that California sentence?) Be strong in the Lord and in His might. Put on the full armor of God so that you may withstand the blows from the evil one. One tactic of the enemy is the lie that I am only working for my flesh. I need to ignore him, continue to do good and press on, to run the race that is marked out before me.

Tainted Love

One other thing, this week I had a realization and I just want to note it here, even though I am not discussing it in detail and that is this: I heard a person say this week that there are no illegitimate children, only illegitimate parents and isn't that so right? Also, it is wrong for a parent to put a burden on a child that says, "You owe me, because I gave birth to you," when it was God who created, who pre-ordained, who orchestrated and who gave birth. Also, what about the pain that the "illegitimate child" went through? There shouldn't be a yoke of guilt and burden around her neck to serve like she is in personal obligation to the parent in the first place. But to compound the error of the parental ways by not acknowledging that the parents' bad behavior caused a lot of undue suffering on the part of the child is arrogant, insensitive and wrong. There is a battle that have been going on for many years about these issues in my mind, and in the minds of many children, grown and otherwise, caught in the trap of parents’ who exploit them for their own gains, like they own the grown child, and do not release the child unto the Lord for His purposes. Also, it is the parents’ jobs to let their child grow into whatever God wants and intends them to be, to release her to Himself for His glory. It is wrong for the parent to take God's position. It is a trap for the child when the parent puts the false guilt on the child, because the unbeknown sucker just assumes the false guilt because she wants to honor, obey the parent, who acts so suave and smooth, like an angel of light as he or she sucks the life out and manipulates the poor grown child, like a parasite sent on a mission from hell.

Contrastingly, there is another type of sick child (grown or otherwise)/parent relationship that says, “You must be acceptable into how I want you to be or I won’t accept you.” This is called a narcissistic attachment. That type of parental exploitation is bad also, but isn’t pissing me off as much as the former type of relationship is, today.

I was raised in the latter type of style of parenting. Then I found my biological mother, about 7 years ago, and loved her and wanted her acceptance and she kept playing the same note again and again and still does and that single, perpetual note is this: “I am pleased when you give me sufficient attention and you disappoint me when you don’t provide everything possible to make me comfortable and happy. You exist to please me. I like to be happy and enjoy things and I want you to provide that for me, and you really ought to, because you have that obligation.”

My adoptive mother said a similar thing, ironically enough, when I was a child, but it was also different. It said, “I am pleased when you are successful (Oh, what a surprise!) and I can not accept you or truly love you, unless you are successful in the eyes of the world. But, if you are successful, be careful, because I am actually going to be jealous of you, so I guess I can’t really love you anyway. You are a disappointment because I was hoping you would save my marriage and the bad feelings I have in general. Also, success in the world means everything to me, and you don’t seem to bring me anything but problems. Don’t you feel badly that everything you require costs so much of my money and time and you really aren’t worth it.”

There. All my issues defined. Okay. I can deal with this. It is becoming so neatly organized and am beginning to be able to understand and articulate and deal with the associated emotions. God is good who heals and provides ability to forgive others. I am so glad that He made me for Himself. I am glad my adoptive mother is proud of me and I pray that my birth mother would develop understanding and perspective, but I guess I need to do what I needed to do with my adoptive mother, and that is to realize that she is never going to change. It is I who has to learn to, and who has to simply do it, and that is to accept the things I can not change. She is disappointed in me and so what? She is wanting what I can not and should not ever be asked to give, and that is my mind and my “being” submitted to a manipulation and a lie and a false way.

Be Strong and Walk the Walk

2007-03-17T18:31:00.000-07:00

What is it like to be a doctor? What is it like to be a psychiatrist? What is it like to be high and lifted up? What is it like to raise your finger as in an auction and have your needs met, your wishes sought to be fulfilled?

Well, I wish I was all that, I suppose. I'm not all that, but I'm a little of that where I work, at a psychiatric hospital and it is cool and I like it.

Yet, I am no better, of course, than the patients, the housecleaners, the nurses, the various staff. I am tempted to think of myself as better than the employees who are obstructionists and contrary to the flow of the institution and organization, but before the eyes of God, we are all sinners.

When I go out to dinner with my husband, I am not the one acclaimed. When I lift my finger I don't get noticed. When I want a refill, I don't necessarily get one. My husband pays the bill, as is tradition and I don’t want to change that tradition, but maybe that is why I am not the one attended to. The servers are typically waitresses; the waiters are not as frequent, if that is part of the mix. My husband is attended to. He gets the coffee refills. He lifts his finger and the waitress usually comes right away.

I remember at a fine restaurant (Morton's) the waitress took my husband’s after dinner coffee and dessert order and forgot to even ask for mine. My husband is just normal. He isn't behaving in a way to provoke such dismissing behavior.

For me, it is a fascination. At the hospital where I work, everybody knows my name; they smile and desire to please me, generally speaking. My husband works in a quiet office and not very many people know him around where he works. Outside of work, I am not that much of a social person, but my husband has a lot of friends. When I am with my husband at a restaurant, I am invisible and he is the one seen. It is weird.

The thing that fascinates me, perhaps, about this little matter of attention given accordance with one's position/role in society is two-fold.

First, I think that it is okay that there is a small degree of laud given one who is in certain leadership roles. The laud should not be for the person, who is by nature a sinner like everyone else. The laud is a sign of respect for what that person has done, in part, but more so for the position itself. Therefore, I am becoming less self-conscious and trying not to be embarrassed by having a certain degree of respect given to me. I humbly receive it. I do not receive it in my person, but before God, I receive it unto His throne, for the role He has granted me, for which I am responsible. It is a crown I toss to Him. I stand up tall. Yes, God has placed me here.

For example, the husband in marriage is entitled to a certain degree of respect. Not as though he is a better person by nature, but because God has ordained a certain chain of authority and certain responsibilities fall upon him. (The husband would do best to remember the respect he is entitled is not due to his own personal worth but just because God has called it so, by nature of his position in the marriage institution.)

The second thing that fascinates me about the respect one receives according to the position he or she holds, is the degree to which I am drawn to it. And I don't believe it is according to my flesh. I mean, certainly I am drawn by my flesh to the respect I receive according to my position. However, I gave that up long ago (though it is a temptation before me, but I give it to Him and see it as it is - a temptation to my flesh that I have to forsake or I will die - for the most part I do this, thus far in my life, at this time, as far as I can tell).

Perhaps the Lord is drawing me to become a person of authority and leadership that receives respect more and more because perhaps more and more God will cause me to be placed in authoritative roles. I desire that. (Yet it scares me to death, well, not to death, but it makes me real nervous.)

You know, I've been thinking about how it would be fun to be driven around in the back seat of a black Lincoln Continental by a driver in a suit while I read magazines and drank coffee. Not all the time have to be driven around, but sometimes would be lovely. Wouldn't it be lovely? I know most people would simply not be drawn to such a funny case scenario.

I don't have an expensive-looking car (although for the same price I could have more of a glamorous car). At this time in my life I would feel funny, embarrassed, driving around in a showy car (when I am not being driven around)! However, lately, I've caught myself thinking, well, more accurately, I've caught myself picturing myself and trying to get used to driving around in a hot shot car, someday, in the distant future. I used to want a Corvette when I was young. Beige. However, then I wanted a Jaguar. Then I got that embarrassed feeling and discounted the idea (when it became a realization that I could actually get that kind of car someday). Now I think I like Jaguars best. But I'm not ready for that yet. I haven't earned it yet.

I was listening to Kay Arthur and she mentioned that if God does give you material possessions, you don't have to be embarrassed by it. I also tried that on for size, figuring out how to handle material possessions. Right now, I don't have to worry it about that much because I am not in the position to get a fancy car or a driver (obviously not a driver!). But what about the future? Will the Lord not only allow for, but actually put me in a position to receive such extravagance consistent with and in accordance with the particular role in which He places me? There is a Proverb in the Bible that speaks of the fact that when the Lord makes rich, there is no burden with it.

Is the Lord preparing me for a certain type of leadership? I want to cry out, "No! Unworthy! No, certainly not me Lord!" Yet, I feel compelled to be strong, stand firm, hold out my hand and say, "Give me strength, and thank you."

I think I can be more honoring to God to give it all up: the respect, the car, the leadership role, the driver and do something more befitting of the Lord's servant: a mother, a wife alone, a 4-H participant, a helper at the church nursery or toddler class, a Bible studier, a prayer. I am or have been all those roles and am those things.
However, in my heart and mind, deep down, God has placed a seed called, "inspiration" and "radical" and "amazing-that-it-is-actually-me" and He said, "Let's go girl - gird your loins for action - we're off! I got something for you and yes, you can have it - I made it for you, created you for it and it is for you and it is yours. Only be Mine. Run with Me. Look to Me. I will use you but you have to listen to Me and walk where and how I say to. Don't use your own wisdom or your own strength. Give up your common sense and trust in Me alone." (God didn't dictate these actual words.)

There is a verse that says, "His gentleness makes me great."

There is a man named Peter, who let down the nets for a catch at the request of Jesus and upon the boats filling up with fish laid down as a dead man said, "Go away from me! I am a sinful man!"

There is a part of me that was made to work as Peter was made to fish. There is all I can do in and of myself that will be completely unproductive. There is a God who creates fishermen and workers who says when and how to fish and work. When God moves and uses us, it feels out-of-this-world.

We humans tend to feel so miserably inept and unworthy that we can not see that it is God who is going to use us. That it is God who has put the desires into us. That it is God who carries us and guides us and wants to live His life through us if we will just listen and put down the net when He says to.

So in as much as I believe that the Lord has brought me to the place where I am now, I want to live for Him and breath for Him and go for Him and work for him. I can not sing. I can not dance. I have not been called to a life of “professional ministry” or a single life of professional motherhood. I am a doctor and a leader and a worker in addition to other roles God has provided for me to do. He has brought me to a simple hospital and says, so to speak, "This is your place of serve. Now work." Okay Lord, and everything in me says, “I will.”

The Lord will share His glory with no human being. Whatever He wants to do with my life is fine with me. Just be with me, Lord; just be with me.

Drea Drea-m, Dream

2007-03-10T06:07:00.000-08:00

The last post I wrote I mentioned a Fleetwood Mac song, and I looked it up on Napstar. As I was trying to find the one of 500 selections from the Fleetwood Mac people, I ran through their old album, "Tusk" and noticed all of the songs listed there on that album.

So last week I asked my husband to please download that onto the Ipod Shuffle that I won at a raffle at Christmas, and he willingly did so because he is nice like that.

So I was on the plane flying to go get two of my kids from their boarding school to take them home for Spring break, and I was listening to the songs from the "Tusk" album.

Well, I hadn't heard those songs since I was about 17 years old and the memories that they brought back! Not only memories but the song brought me back to the frame of mind that I had back then. It was kind of weird. Kind of wierd how the brain works!

Anyway, one of the songs goes, "Could you really love me?" and "Could it really, really be me?" It was an optimistic song and it brought me to where I was when I was 17 and I was like too afraid to even dream that things could be...well, even okay back when I was 17!

I was really unhappy for quite a while in my childhood and the hardest part probably was the lack of hope! I didn't know that things could (and would!) be better. I didn't know that I could dream. That there were such things as dreams, and that yes, it could really be me.

So I was sitting on the plane on that window seat (I do not prefer windows, because I prefer isles so I can go to the bathroom whenever I want. But my loving husband got the seat for me, becuase he helps me out more and more these days, and that is nice that he thought I would want a window). The window seat turned out to be good, because a window seat is actually much more private. I turned towards the window as though I were looking out (but didn't look out because who wants to see that you are "floating" suspended 30,000 feet - it is a long way to fall). Tears rolled down my cheeks as I sat there is my little world. 17 years old again and almost 45 years old, all in the same brain. Two places as the same time.

Who would have dreamed! Yes, my husband does love me! God has taught him to learn to love me and he is loving me more and more and I am learning how to receive that love. Yes, he could love me. And yes, it could really be me. And he has been with me since I have been 18 years old.

When I was 17, I would never, no-not-ever, have dreamed that I would be a doctor and not only make it to medical school but through medical school and to where now I am on the faculty of a medical school and have served as Acting Medical Director for the hospital where I work and am the Chair of the Board of Trustees where I work. That I would head up a doctor's meeting like I did last week, telling a group of about 12 doctors who may and may not speak and who is and is not out of order.

"Could it really be me?" Tear. Well yes, it could.

And not only would I never have even dared to dream that I would be a doctor, but I would never have dared to dream that my children would be nearly 4.0 students and that my daughter is on the brink of maybe getting accepted into a accelerated program for high school students who get a combined BS and MD degree. That really blows me away. I know that it hasn't happened yet, and stories about your own kids do get boring, and success stories do get boring, but as I was sitting on that plane, as my tears that I wiped alternately with my hands and alternately with my green sleeves, I was not bored. I was overwhelmed. "Could you really love me? And could it really, really be me? over and over, could it really, really be me?"

The contract was the next song that came on. "You're never gonna make it, make it, make it, baby!" That was so funny because that was the funny joke everyone used to tell me, from my sixth grade teacher to my mother to my brother to my cousins. I would say, "and my friends," but I didn't have many. And do you know what? Sometimes people don't want to hear success stories. Yeah, it's true. Sometimes people want you to sit in your own crap and they can laugh while you try to figure out how you got here and how you can get out. "You're never gonna make it, make it, make it baby!" ha, ha, ha.

"Humble yourself before the mighty hand of the Lord and He will lift you up in due time."

And from a song, "He makes all things beautiful in His time."

And God receives all the glory. And to Him I freely give, what I did nothing to earn. Freely I have receieved, freely I give. And it continues to be an honor to work for Him.

Pass the potatos

2007-03-02T19:37:00.000-08:00

Look to the stars, little one, and dream.

My daughter is a lot like me. I'm not sure if she completely hates it, but sometimes she does. However, I think sometimes she likes it a little.

In 1988, after I had suffered the loss of my miscarriage, I was laying there in a little lonely room in Wilmington, Delaware. I was on call for the hospital where I was doing an internal medicine rotation during my third year in medical school. I had been married about six years or so, and my husband and I tried for about eleven months to conceive. When I was pregnant, I was very excited, but some relatives were a little worried, about the timing and all, that I was still in school. But they didn't bother us too much about it, since they knew us and knew me and knew that we were going to do what we were going to do and so that was that.

When I was supposed to be 18 weeks pregnant, I went in for my follow-up exam and there was no heart beat. The friendly OB/GYN MD kept looking for the heartbeat and couldn't find it. He quickly arranged for an ultrasound, when it was soon discovered that there was no heart beat to be found. I still remember the kind and perfect words he said. "It's okay to cry."

So a couple weeks had past, I suppose, and I was laying there on that little on call room bed thinking about my lost baby and my heart was heavy. I thought that the Lord was there, as I was thinking about Him also. The song went through my mind - well- specifically the word from a song, "crystalline" from Fleetwood Mac. The song is called, “Crystal.” (I just found it and pulled it up on Napstar while I was writing this blog.) The sentence from the song is: “Then I knew, in the crystalline knowledge of you.” I didn’t remember that entire sentence, as I lay there that night, but just the word, “Crystalline” swept into my mind, like a single and perfectly formed golden and beautiful leaf that blows into a kitchen on a fall day.

I thought, “That’s what I want to name my next baby!” The weird thing was, I didn’t think it was much my idea, but it was more like a premonition, a promise, a secret vow.

Crystalyn was born 18 months later. (It took another nine months to get pregnant. Turned out to be perfect timing really. The first child took therefore 33 months of planning and preparation to arrive. Each subsequent child came within 18 months, 23 months and 27 months, respectively.)

Anyway, while I was pregnant, I prayed and yearned for a child to be “just like me.” I wanted her to be like me because I knew no biological relatives. You see, I had been adopted and I wish I had someone that looked like me.

When Crystalyn was born, she had what I thought was black hair, looked nothing like me and had blue eyes. The blue eyes matched mine. I’m sorry to say, but I was disappointed, because I couldn’t recognize any similar features.

The child was three days old and I was in the bathtub. Hubby was home attending the baby while I was in a state of utter shock from a series of difficult changes. First, as I lay in that tub, my bottom was so sore because it had been cut what seemed like several inches due to the vacuum extraction procedure required to get the baby out fast enough since she wasn’t getting enough oxygen. Also, I looked at my depleted body. It had no beautiful baby in its tummy to carry around, but looked like a tire let out of all its air. There were stretch marks everywhere. There was fatness I never knew. It was a body I never met before. It was the new me. Third, I was weepy from the hormones, that I didn’t understand, that nobody told me about. There were other changes as well, like breasts that were full of pain. There was the heartbreak that I could not nurse my baby like I thought was supposed to be natural. There in my water of tears I prayed, “At least let Crystalyn keep her blue eyes.” (Silly, really. Boo-hoo tears.)

Okay. I need to move this along.

Bottom line. My little 16 and a half girl is so much like me, you would not believe it. She looks like me (doesn’t have black hair). She has the same voice even. She is so driven and I see the things in her that have taken me 20 years to begin to undo, yet they are the traits that also have serve me quite well, but in and of themselves can lead to a dependency on self, rather than the Lord.

Maybe another day I will blog a bit more about what is going on her life lately and with our relationship, but basically, I am helping her apply to colleges and it is so fun. She is a star academically and more gifted than I. May God be with us.

Stay Focused

2007-02-25T19:42:00.000-08:00

It is a battle, after all. It is a battle of the mind. Of the will.

Today while I was waiting for my Togos order, I said to myself, and then to my Lord, “You have my mind, my life and my time.”

Generally in my mind, my life and my time, I find myself pushed and otherwise constrained to plan and think and do and go. And it dawned on me, since God is sovereign and since He loves me and since He is only good, and since I want to do His will, then where is there worry? Where is striving, in the human sense? Where is trying-to-get-it-all-done?

Yet the proof is in the pudding, is it not? Where the rubber meets the road is where in my life I actually have a changed life where anxiety is, in fact, put away.

Things are getting better. Things are looking up. I used to be a very anxious person and over the years, my anxiety is a lot less. I still love to achieve, but I need to keep with God’s rhythm, and not follow my own drumbeat.

The battle is in the mind to, in fact, have the mind of Christ and not my own instead.

“Father, my God,
Help me to stay within Your shield of protection. You are the Lifter of my head and the Sustainer of my life. Let me live my life before You encased and enclosed in Your love. Grant me the gift of a humble and contrite nature. I submit my mind, my life and my time. Help me to just walk, ignoring the tremendous pain and the repeated and irritating desire to be mad. As Oswald Chambers says, self pity is of the devil. I feel in pain and constrained, but I am also sustained and I am the recipient of tremendous blessings - in You!”

Do you ever feel exalted and abased at the same time, the same day? I feel like the circumstances in my life are in two different directions, and I need to stay on the level road of Christ. One reason I think that I have difficulties amongst great blessings is that the Lord knows how to keep me humble.

Onward March!

2007-02-16T20:35:00.001-08:00

Perseverance.

That is what I need. What you need, what we need. To persevere in Him.

How have I been persevering?

Well, the restrooms are messy where I work so I clean them up when I use them. Doing this has made my life easier. Also, I try to be nice at work. And to work hard and well. For the King! For Him! He is watching and He has a plan for my life!!

It is really difficult though, that, well, my children are getting grown. I was waiting for my ten year old, almost 11 year-old "baby" son to finish up his trombone lesson today. I was walking around the music store and I saw a little-itty baby sitting on what appeared to be a Mama's shoulder and I wanted to ask her if I could let the baby rest on my shoulder. Then I figured that the lady would think that I was a baby robber, and I'm not. I just wanted to feel that little baby lying on my shoulder, because I have no baby to lie on my chest.

Before the trombone lesson, I spoke with my 15 year-old son by telephone who attends a boarding school. He is handsome and smart, getting all A's and is in the school play and 5th chair on the tennis team. It was a fun conversation and back and forth we went and then we sort of ran out of things to say and it was near the time that we needed to hang up. I wanted to drain upon his ear a sorrow of longings and various sentimental sayings and I realized that would not be helpful. I just told him I was proud of him and that I missed him and I felt a longing that I feel again as I recite this event.

This morning I said good-bye to my 13 year-old girl is away at church camp Friday through Monday. I will be away Monday through Wednesday and won't see her until Wednesday. We hugged in the kitchen this morning before she left for school. She was all grown-up in being able to handle everything that she needed for the exhibition.

My 16 and a half - no wait, almost 17 year-old "girl" is on her way to completing college applications and travel world-wide destinations. She is brilliant and vibrant.

Those are the four of them. The ten year-old is still a child. The others are lost forever to the realm of teen hood, sliding on down to adulthood. Forever.

But I have dreams.

Yeah, I won't have them lying on my chest, spitting up their food and crying to have their diapers changed. I won't have moments of exasperation when I wish I was somewhere else or they were grown and then immediately feeling guilty and trying to undo that thought because I knew that one day I would miss the days of chaos of childhood vibrancy and parent's patience being stretched.

Though they won’t be babies, I will have a family of believers walking along the golden streets of the most important city in the world - or rather, not in this world, but in Zion - in the City of God, in heaven.

While still on earth I will have children who are not children at all but leaders of their communities, leaders of the country and even the world, because they are able to lead as there are not enough godly leaders to lead. They will be leaders because God has called them to lead and to stand for righteousness and godliness and truth.

There will be family vacations and gatherings, in which together we are the body of Christ - or part of the body, part of Christ's body. And together we can experience His moving amongst us and He can and will knit us together for His purposes and glory.

I will have the completion of a work well-done that God has called me to in being their mother on earth. What a gift!

Okay. New subject. Switch gears.

I had a prayer the other day, and repeated it today. You can pray it also. It is this: That when God made me, when He first thought of ME all of those thousands of years ago, before the creation of the world, yeah - then. And when He thought of me and He had a plan as to how He wanted me to be, my prayer is that He would do that in me now. That I could become the person that He created, or wanted to create when He first thought of me.

Yet, I know I fail. This is the paradox. I failed just tonight as I had the glass of wine that I thought that I shouldn't because when I do indulge, I eat too much and don't think too well. I become irritable and self-entitled and as for patience - what's that? So I failed in that I used poor judgment and then got mad, at least to myself. I thought to myself, "I had better not say anything, because I will say the wrong thing." Well, when God created me, all of those thousands of years ago, or at least He thought of creating me then, I don't think He smiled when He thought of my short-comings and sins, but perhaps He smiled when He thought about how they wouldn't destroy me because He would save me from my sins. My sins will find me out, but He will save me from my sins.

Moving on. New subject. Third gear. Back to work.

I don't really feel like being so-called successful at work. I'd rather have a million dollars and sit around a fitness club, sail around the ocean and watch a lot of TV and movies, I suppose. However, after a year of my own bout with relaxation and mothering leisure time, my butt is getting into gear and I am working. I think that God has whipped my behind and I am heading back to work mentally. So, you may not understand. Not my problem. My problem is, my occupation is, my job description is, to find out what God wants me to do and do it. So I think that He wants me to work so I am doing that. He wants me to work hard and so I am. And, I am talented at it and that is not an accident. Because I am not His accident. I am His beautiful design! It is His plan for my life. It is a gift of God and I need to treat His gifts kindly and respectfully. There are a lot of people working really hard just to get bread on the table, and I can't go acting disrespectfully to the job and ability that the Lord has given me to do, even by taking it for granted or acting “put-out” by “having” to work. The Bible speaks of what happens with idol hands, so God has given me plenty to do, even if I don’t understand everything, in terms of how He works and moves the way that He does. So I will be respectful towards the labor that He has given me to do, and do it well and with honor, even if it ain't like having a baby growing in your belly and another couple of babies in the double-seated baby carriage.

God bless and I love y'all!

Superbowl "fun"

2007-02-04T17:57:00.000-08:00

Ahhhh! A wonderful hour at the old blog. I am hopeful that today I can go to my friends' blogs. But first I am going to write. I wonder if I am going to be able to enter into Maria's blog because there is some sort of block for me to get in there. I hope I can go back several weeks to finally respond to those who have visited me. I've been busy, and sometimes I wonder why (God, I think/presume) has me kept so busy.

Today I sat in my car and caught up on my Bible homework. It was wonderfully slow in and about our small city at the time. I live in a California city that looks identical whether it sprang up in any one of a plethora of locations within the State. Home Depot here, Romano's Macaroni Grill there, Starbucks there, and there and there like speckles sprinkled throughout the small metropolis.

There were not many people walking around because the Superbowl had already begun. However, I saw several Asians walking, and then later another Asian man walking. I didn't go home and do my homework at home for two reasons. First, "we" were having a Superbowl party at our house ("oh yippee") and it would be difficult to do Bible homework. Second, second....second. I can't remember the second point. Maybe I wrapped up both point one and two in the first point. Now as re-read point number one, it rather contains two points.

While in the car as I was reading the temptation and fall of King David before the beautiful Bathsheba, I read that David fell when a number of circumstances came together. One of those reasons was the fact that he did not go off to war when it was the time for kings to go off to war. He was not kept busy. He was not struggling and begging God as he had to do for so much of his life up to this time. Sometimes hard work keeps us out of trouble. So maybe that is why the Lord has me work hard, to keep me out of trouble, and to keep my abiding in the vine, remembering how much I need Him.

Earlier today my husband, his sister and two of my children and myself went to church. What a blessing. My husband brought his sister who was visiting us for the Superbowl (“oh yippee”) weekend. What a bold testimony before her, not only that he was going to church, but also to bring her. God is working, even though we are having a carnal Superbowl party at our house (right now as I write), (“oh, yippee”). One little girl who is over the house is about age 12. My thirteen year old daughter led her to the Lord when she was about five and gave her a tiny little Bible. Since that time her parents have divorced, her alcoholic father has moved in and out of living with another woman whom he never loved but used, got arrested for drunk driving and had his sentence increased to something like 130 hours of community service for smarting off to the judge. I hope that my daughter is able to continue to witness and encourage her friend in God’s truth! May God move in both she and her father’s life. While we (“we?”) are on the subject, over the past several years the father of the girl has witnessed the transformation of my husband from being occupied each Sunday worshipping football to inviting the guests for today’s wonderful Superbowl extravaganza (“oh yippee”) to arrive anytime after 11 AM (so he can go to church! – they can do the math).

Anyway, while at church this morning (now what was I going to say about that? I’m tired! I’ve been working really hard lately, guess I need to go sleep soon). I can not remember what I was going to say about church this morning. But it was great to go. Fantastic to go with my husband. So many years (19!) I went alone. So going with him is wonderful, a blessing. Having the first member of his family come along with him is phenomenal and maybe that was the entire point I was going to make. This important point is useful to remember because I don’t really like this Superbowl (“oh yippee”) party that is going on at this time, but I don’t want to talk about that anymore.

Well, I must say I am a little taken aback by my forgetful tendencies today as I have been writing this blog. I am tempted to erase (or I guess I should say, “cut”) and go on. Pretend it never happened. But I want to be real. The real me. Not a fake, glossy, plastic substitute.

Oh, but to be impressive! Oh, but to inspire out of some sort of innate wit and charm! Oh the lure to, having begun in the Spirit to then try and be perfected in the flesh! It is God! If He wants to make me look impressive then He will work in ways that I can not even muster up myself. He will do with His Holy Spirit what He wants to do. I just need to get out of the way. Oh, I want to be used of God.

I want to be used at the hospital where I work. Let me talk a little bit about that. My hospital has struggled for many years, and no matter what particular CEO is at the helm for that particular month or year, nobody can pick up Humpty Dumpty and put together a hospital that is actually stellar, or above average.

Over this past week I have grown frustrated about this fact and wondered if there was something that I could do about the situation. Last night after going to bed, I felt inspired to get up and write out a bunch of points, which I did. An hour and half later, and then an hour after that I finally fell back to sleep. This morning I woke up to realize the whole list, while probably useful, was probably not implement-able other than the realization that I just need to keep doing the best I can do personally while I am there.

Not much more I have to say today!

Okay, a couple more words. As I was looking up books to get started reading for my MBA, I read about something called Organizational Behavior. It is like the psychology of organizations. That is so cool. I am a psychiatrist. It would be fun to travel through out the US and go into other organizations and analyze what they are doing wrong and tell them. I think I would do that well, just like at the hospital I think I see what the problems are, even though I may not feel like
pounding down those ideas down all of the opposition’s throats’ (somebody follow behind me and correct my grammar please!) at the particular place that I work. I wonder what the Lord has for me to do.

I am praying that the Lord would bring my husband into the body of Christ as a functioning member. Life is waiting for him!

Run Girl, Run

2007-01-25T08:09:00.000-08:00

There is a song, "My Redeemer Lives," that begins with phrases such as "Who spun the planets into orbit?" and asks other similar questions and ends with the singer's proclamation that she knows that her Redeemer lives.

There is a story in the Bible when Peter had been up all night trying to get a catch of fish but caught nothing. Jesus, the "man" trained in carpentry told Peter to put down his net for a catch of fish. Peter, the trained fisherman, said that he had been up all night and that the fish are just not biting, "but at your bidding, I will let down the net." Because the Son of God asked, he would humble himself and let down the net. There was such a catch of fish that the nets nearly broke, the boat nearly sank. Peter was amazed. He fell down like a dead man and exclaimed, "Go away from me, for I am a sinful man!"

I am a worker/achiever in this world. I achieve in the area of well-done work in the work place and achieving when it comes to some level of book learning. I am not a scientist or a genius. I am not a musician achiever. I am not an athletic achiever. I am not a singer, an evangelist, a minister to the elderly or to those stuck in shelters. I am (not yet) a mother to adopted children but I have four wonderful and amazing children who are natural achievers in this world also.

When I was a brand new babe in Christ, when I was 21 years old, the Lord found me and saved me at a time when I desired to be a doctor. I whole-heartedly gave that desire to God. Then He enabled me to become a doctor and has shown me over the years in many times and places that He is the One in charge of this area of my life, and He has called me to be a doctor and a psychiatrist.

Over the years, more than twenty, the Lord has carried me on a journey. It is the journey called, "This, I have called you to do."

When I was a home-schooling mother, I continued to do some doctoring on the side, but not very much. I guess a part of me thought that I was holier because I was not working that much. Don't get me wrong, in that time and place, that was the right and best thing for me to do that God allowed me to do and it was wonderful and I am so happy for it and I would do it again in an absolute second if the Lord would allow me to. But He hasn't allowed me to. It was for that time, not this time, and that is fine. No, perhaps better, that that is not for now.

He has said, "Let down your net for a catch."

To which I have replied (not literally, this is a figurative conversation), "I have tried to do my very best works for You Lord, and You are holy, and I don't think that if I "just" work as a psychiatrist that You will be pleased or honored in that. I think that You would be more glorified if I cooked more for my family, and I am sorry that I don't, I think. I think that You would be more glorified if I adopted a child and helped to raise him on my own, even giving up my work if necessary. Besides, in what way would You, a holy God of Gods, be glorified or ministered to if I just work well in a psychiatric hospital? No God. I will not serve You that way, because that is not the kind of God You are."

(And Peter said when God said to him in the vision to take of the creeping and crawling things to eat, "far be it from me to eat! I never eat anything unclean," and God replied not to call unclean what He has called clean.)

And over the mountains and through the sea, His river runs with love for me (line from a song) and God has prompted me to work harder and more involved at the psychiatric hospital, getting another degree to be a bigger and better leader, it would seem. And it came to a point in time that God said, figuratively, to let down my net for a catch.

“I have labored as hard as I know to serve You and I have not caught spiritual fish. I have not entered in to the usefulness that You have created me for. But because You are God, and know best, because You bid me so, I will let down my net. I will work hard at the hospital, I will do what comes just natural to me, I will begin the process of getting the MBA at what I believe to be Your leading. To me, it seems an odd way to serve You. But because You tell me, I will do it.”

So I let down the net in obedience. I run the race that is marked out in advance before me. I let the rivers of living water flow out of my inner most being. I look at the cross and run. I run and run and run and find that I was created to run and God created me to run. He did not create me to excel in all areas, just certain areas. Like the people that He created that were to use specific skill and talent to create the wood architecture and carvings in the Temple; they were created to do that. That was for them to do, that wood project. They were not to be a Levite and carry the ark on poles or to sacrifice the rams. They were not to be a Moses and lead the people. They were made to perform a skill and performing that skill is (one reason) why they were made. They would not have been happier doing other things, even if they were trying to please God doing other things because there didn’t seem to be that much holiness sitting around and working on wood projects all day.

As I was praying this morning with my friend Marilyn, I brought to God my inner turmoil within myself of the conflict that had been a force but now is more like a residue, and asked that God remove it as I prayed to Him about my work and my inner conflict that I was not serving Him if I am a successful doctor and leader in this world. How I know now that it is not true that if I am a successful doctor that I am not serving Him. I know it is true that God is glorified in my being a successful doctor and this is a race that He has marked out before me, whether or not anyone understands or accepts it that I am worshipping God in this fashion.

So I prayed to Him with these ideas in mind and I found myself speaking for Him and I said to myself in the prayer, “You said that, ‘I created you to run and why do you find it hard to believe that I created you to run and you can just run,?” and I stopped in mid-sentence and tears rolled down my face. I felt ashamed in my vulnerability and thought if I breathed I would gasp so I sat there. My friend went on and prayed about something else, not realizing the moment that was occurring between me and my Lord. I pulled the phone away from my ear because I didn’t want the distraction away to take me away from that which my Redeemer was doing to me in my life right then. I could hear her pray about a woman at church with great needs and I silently lifted those up to the Lord without hearing all of the details, all the while I was trying to hang on to the reality of what just is transpiring between me and God.

That I can run. That I was made to run. That I have skills and a desire to run. That running IS glorifying God because He wants me to run, made me to run, told me to run. And running for me is not trying to do stuff for God. Not trying to be holy. Not trying to do a certain pre-prescribed thing but to rest in His pleasure. For me it is to let myself be a great and knowledgeable doctor and leader at the hospital and beyond the hospital without apologies, without doubt or “I’m sorry’s” to no one in particular. It isn’t saying in gesture or attitude, “I’m sorry that I am successful.” It is just being successful even all the while knowing and continue to hold the position and the reality that being successful in the world isn’t the most important thing – in fact it is unimportant. Doing what God created me to do is important. Running His race for me without distraction from the world. It is walking with the knowledge that “This is who I am.”

“By the grace of God I am who I am, and His grace to me was not without effect, no I labored harder that all the other apostles, yet not I but the grace of God in me (Paul in 1 Corinthians).”

Up to date

2007-01-17T18:48:00.000-08:00

Today I will develop a blog based upon the comments that I have received in my last blog. Loved the feedback, by the way.

After I wrote that blog that day, when I wrote that blog that is (see last blog), I asked my husband if he thought that I was intense. I told him what Pat the hairdresser said and a bit about how the entire question developed. He said the same thing that many of you said on the comments section of the last blog. That is, namely, that Pat did not understand the definition of the word “intense.” My husband said that I was intense, but that did not imply that I was impatient or not easy going. So y’all are right. About everything – poll the audience, you know? And you’re right. I am intense and that does not imply that I am impatient or rude.

That night when I was asking my husband about this, my thoughts were racing and I was feeling all jumpy and saying to myself, “you’re intense, you know that you are. That is why you are lying here on this bed with your husband (that’s where I was at the time) and you’re mind is racing and you are feeling all jumpy.” And that was that and life moved on. My mind does not race every night, just sometimes.

How did I get my hair done? The way that I always get it done. Let me back up. In the early 1990’s I would just get my hair cut at, like, Supercuts. Then when I was pregnant with my third child I noticed that my hair was changing from its regular blond color to like a brown, a dirty brownish blaa. So I asked my girlfriend about getting my hair highlighted and she recommended a hair place. So then I started to get my hair highlighted/streaked. Overtime, however, pretty much the entire hair was “getting work done,” that is, falling under the influence of the hairdresser’s direct influence of one sort of dye or another.

Over the years the hair situation developed such that I go to a new hairdresser because the original place was like an hour from my home, and additionally, now I get my hair “weaved” about every 9 weeks and get my roots done every 3 weeks. I get my hair weaved with three different colors – a light brown, a blond and a lighter blond. My roots are done in the neutral beige paint (no, just a blond color). I have the streaks done thinly, rather than wide bands of hair that are streaked, so to look more natural. I do everything, including getting the roots done every three weeks with the end in mind of being more “natural.” I get the roots done every three weeks because over the past several years my hair has become more and more gray.

I do talk abut getting my hair dyed, from time to time as the subject comes up. For example, my relatives were over and we were talking about how my brother-in-law was getting quite gray. I said, “I don’t have a gray hair on my head – they’re all dyed!”

So, who is watching American Idol? I don’t watch regular TV but our family has been watching American Idol for several years and really enjoy it. I also watch a show by Kay Arthur called, “Precepts for Life,” which I would highly recommend.

Other odds and ends – the past week I have been focused on getting out about 500 flyers inviting others to a Women’s Bible Study. My friend and I invited people in our neighborhood. I hope that others come. I am surprised that others don’t really seem that invested in studying the Bible. The Bible Study will be in my home and starts next Monday night. We will be studying Precepts II Samuel. If any of you want to study with us from afar, we can figure out how to make it happen!

You know what is the hard part about being an intense 44 year old woman? My husband is not. He is laid back. That is a good thing, because how could a family function with two of us with the same personality? However, being married for 23 years with someone who is not intense has helped to actually give me patience (that, and having four children), but it isn’t easy, but what marriage is? (But it certainly is not boring!)

Today I don’t feel intense. I guess I got my fill at work and at home. There are things I am worrying about and struggling with but I keep try to look up to God and remember that the work of being a Christian is to believe and that is not always easy. Sometimes it is hard to trust and wait on God. I am learning a lot in my morning Bible Study with the Lord. Remember, “For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory (Deuteronomy 20:4).

Why my reaction?

2007-01-08T15:10:00.000-08:00

Question to readers: Please read the last two posts, along with comments and tell me your opinion regarding this question: "Why the intensity of my reaction to the suggestion of my being intense?" If you have the time to complete this assignment, I'd be interested in your views.

I'm at my hair dressers now. I'll ask her a related question. "Do you think I am an intense person?"

"No. Why did someone tell you that? No, you're pretty easy going and you have a pretty good sense of humor. Pretty motivated to get done what you've got to get done, but I wouldn't say intense, more easy going."

"Thank you."

"No, I have a couple of clients who are intense and you're not like that. It seems like you have a lot of patience too. My intense clients don't - no patience at all."

"Thanks Pat."

I feel better now.

INTENSE? Why yes, thank you

2007-01-07T19:35:00.000-08:00

Me, INTENSE????? Why yes, I am. I PRAISE GOD too! This morning I loved in church when we sang (as I love in church when we sing this and I give my whole self to God as I exclaim out) "Reign in me, over all my dreams, You are the Lord of all I am, so won't You reign in me again?" “Reign in Your power, in my darkest hour…”

I also LOVE the song, "Enough" (not sure if that is the name of the song) that sings about how God is enough for all that I am and that He meets all the needs and cravings that I have and that He alone is enough for all that is in me.

Do I sit back and praise God? Well, I think so....but what does that have to do with being intense? I sit up and praise God more than sit back and praise Him, but does it matter if I sit up or sit back?

“By the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace to me was not without effect, no I labored more than all the other apostles, yet not I but the grace of God in me.” (Paul)

Paul was intense. I don’t get extra bonus points for being intense, because my sufficiency is found in Christ alone and I can do nothing of myself of any good, so being intense or not being intense is not really relevant, only a new creature.

Yes, I am intense. God made me special for Himself. I have three children with ADHD and we are an intense family. We are a special family. UNIQUE. It is fantastic to be intense because it is fun. Just imagine all of the heightened emotions I get to experience, all without anxiety (is the goal, because we are NOT to be anxious for anything).

Okay, back to the subject at hand.....

(I'm hurrying to get to do my exercise DVD before I get to bed by about 8:30 (not going to make that time guideline, but will shoot for slightly later) so I can get up at 5:00 AM and read my Bible and praise God while I pray before getting the kids off to school at 7 AM.) I love to sleep and usually crash exhausted and that is wonderful to feel like I have made a lot of every opportunity (not just by being active but meeting every opportunity is a spiritual quest and spiritual quests require energy and focus and is draining).

Oh, the inspiration for the INTENSE focus and theme on this here blog is from my wonderful and fantastic comments that I was blessed to read from y'all. I have the best blog buddies.

Okay, subject at hand. Well, I have two subjects that I want to address actually.

First, I got accepted into the MBA program for health care and so now I have something FUN for me to do while I become a hot-shot doctor. Not that I want to necessarily be a hot-shot doctor. I would rather go a on a cruise around the world for 4 months and write a book, or go to church and be a "professional minister" type person, but God has not called me to do that. If God has called you to do either of those things, then I am a little envious of you. God, appears to have called me to be this doctor who does her job well, so I have been focused on doing my job well. And it has been FUN and blessed.

Speaking of just relaxing and sitting back and praising the LORD, ("Oh, were we just talking about that? I don't recall....”) sometimes I look at little children while they sit there quietly looking into space, such at a doctor's appointment or in a restaurant and it fascinates me how they can sit there and be so still and motionless. My children were the type of kids who could not be still at all...some vivid examples are flooding my memories and filling my mind with accompanying associated emotions, but I won’t follow that tangent right now. But it feeds back to the THEME of being INTENSE. It kind of runs in the genes, praise God. He made me just right for Himself. Just like He made my son just right for Himself, the most hyperactive (and sweet) kid you would ever meet in your life. He is so hyperactive that he kicks the top mattress off his bed and winds upside down, has full length sentences and conversations in his sleep and keeps sleeping. He is hyper even in his sleep. Our children are so hyperactive, that two of them are going to boarding school, because three teenagers in this house (will become four) is impossible because WE ARE ALL SO INTENSE. But my kids are probably going to be famous - heck they are in their schools already! They are brilliant.

Me, Defensive? YES. It took me a lot of years to understand and accept myself, especially since I was adopted and no one understood me and thought I was ... well, had problems. Which I did. Oh well. Praise God. He works everything in my life together for good!!

Back to the subject as hand ("what subject at hand?") (BTW, this blog is so fun, so do not be offended or worried that I am offended that I went off on this theme of INTENSITY, thanks.)

The second thing I wanted to comment, or elaborate on (in addition to the MBA news) is the way I think that the LORD encouraged me through His word yesterday! It was GREAT!!! It makes trials WORTH IT BECAUSE I can listen for and hear His voice more and the seed goes down deeper and more of a righteous crop will spring forth for the glory and praise of Jesus who receives and is worthy of all glory!

I have had a really hard couple of months (20 years!). Many days lately I have asked God to deeply encourage me because I needed Him to encourage me. Yesterday and the day before was similar and asked God to really encourage me. I was sitting there in my car feeling really broken and also sold out to the Lord and asked God to please show me encouragement in His word.

I opened to Zechariah chapter 8 and it talked about how God was going to save His people. It talked about the fact that He just needed them to work with strong hands and to realize that He was going to bring them into a time that was different than before, different from the times of fasting. He decided that He is going to bring them into a time of cheerful and joyful blessing, so much so that the heathen to which they had been a curse, that they would be a blessing to them instead, and many people from various nations would follow them because they could see the joy that the Lord was bringing to them.

You may think I am crazy, but I think that the Lord gave me that passage. He wants me to be encouraged and to work with strong hands and to look up, that things were going to get better. A whole lot better. A time when the plant grows up and when the rains give their dew, etc. That is exactly what I needed to hear, because I wanted to work with strong hands, I wanted to look up, I wanted to move forward.

Oh, one more thing that I want to share with you about news. (This is specific item news number three for anyone keeping track (not counting the digressions and extraneous comments about INTENSITY.) My husband may have this new international opportunity that he is really excited about and he planning on applying for. Previously, the Lord has allowed him to become discouraged to humble him, I think. Anyway, I pray that the Lord would sustain his encouragement in the application of this new opportunity and that it would bear much fruit!

Normally I wouldn't want my husband to go on this international opportunity with a secular organization because I would be worried about his falling into sin, or forgetting about me, or whatever. However, in recently weeks I have come to realize that I need to give up my husband to "the people" of the Lord's leading because it is clear to me, it seems to me, that he is gifted to be amongst people as a coach and guide because he is gifted that way and I need to release him to what God wants to do in his life, to fulfill his potential, in his "old age." Also, my husband is walking with the Lord now, and these days are not like days of before. There is a new thing coming.

Oh! A fourth thing! Just the other day I was thinking about how our family doesn’t really have many upcoming trips planned and was a little let-down about that, and then this international potential opportunity has arisen for my husband, and I am going to take two of my kids to a Precepts Ministries Teen conference in Tennessee and I am applying to be a chaperone. Suddenly we are busy and moving around again.

Thanks y'all! I love you! And keep the comments coming! I love them (for a much more BORING time, check out my other blog!

And I hope God brings the bright skies, like, tomorrow (as far as circumstances that constrain me)!

Valley of Humiliation

2007-01-02T16:53:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I get an idea to write something in my blog and I think to myself, "I can't write that. What will people think?" Then I think to myself, "It's anonymous, and only a couple of people know who you are and you need to be true to your writing inclinations and why you wanted the blog in the first place."

Today I was reading in Oswald Chambers "My Utmost for His Highest" about the "Valley of Humiliation" that God takes us to and through in our training. I feel like I am there. I feel like part of the problem of the past several months regarding the trials that my husband and I have been going through really have been partly my fault, although I didn't see it before. I only saw his error - my husband's big fat error and I want him to fix his part and in fact if he did fix his part perfectly, then we wouldn't even have a recognizable problem. That is, except for the fact that God wants to take me through the Valley of Humiliation and God actually wants me to take a hard left - "No, Go That Way!" I hate that when He does that, except I don't hate it because He loves me and it is great to be disciplined by God's mighty hand, for everything He does is best.

For me the Valley of Humiliation is the fact that God wants me, I believe, to be more involved in my job. I hate that. Long ago, I wanted to be a doctor and the Lord let me be a doctor. Let me correct that. Long ago, I thought that it was my idea that I wanted to be a doctor, but it was actually God who planned it long ago that I would be a doctor and He put that desire into my heart. Then I begged and pleaded and He guided and led and I became a doctor.

I wear my doctoring hat around myself like an ornament. It is an attractive piece of jewelry. I don't want to make too much money. I don't want to work too many hours. I don't actually want to become that powerful a doctor, too good at it or too great a leader. I want to be somewhat of a leader, enough of one that I am comfortable with. I don't want to get out of my comfort zone.

I think that God has other ideas for me. I think that He has put in His investment, so to speak, and now He wants what He wants of me. He wants me to be busy and work as what it seems to be like a dog, like a well trained sledding/running dog. "Mush, Mush!" I don't even want to be a big shot (or do I?). But I think that I am going to get accepted into the Medical MBA program. ("So why did you apply for that if you didn't want to do it? Well, I kind-of, sort-of wanted to do it, but not really, but I think God is leading me to do it.")

The Valley of Humiliation comes when I need to work and make more money to actually pay for four children's private education and college preparation stuff, my two week vacation to complete the 50 State venture with my daughter, the trip to Austria for my daughter, the European trip for my other daughter and summer classes to the University this summer for my son. ("Why are you doing those things?" "I think that the Lord has allowed these opportunities for us to do because my husband has led us into these things but I wanted them also.") ("Can you really afford those things?" "We can afford them if I work from like 8:30 to like 5 PM Monday through Friday and sometimes on weekends. My husband is willing and able to fill in with kidly duties, and in fact, me being "tied up" allows and provides for him to be with the children in a very comprehensive way.)

This just seems all so out-of-the-box, atypical that I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I feel like I should be the wife driving the kids around and hanging out with them and not my husband. My husband is in charge of organizing all of our business dealings, which in medicine are complicated and extensive. I think I would be better at that and he would be better at being the doctor.

We have been married 23 and a half years. Long ago, I thought that my husband would be as materially successful as I am, but that has not been the case. He does not have the inclination, nor perhaps the gifts (now that I look at it) that I have. God has truly gifted me in my work. God has truly gifted my husband to be a father and a supporter of all that I am and the children are to be. This is just difficult for me to handle, so much so that I resisted it all of these years. Just been wearing the ornament. Pretty, but it sort of smells. Like stagnant water.

Don't you find (well, I do) that serious pain and problems in the form of difficult trials come when God is trying to alter our thinking and change who we are. This trial probably has changed my husband, and I want him to correct every error that he has. Wishful thinking.

My problem is that I idolize my husband and I want him to meet my impossible emotional needs and he is never going to be able to do that and it is wrong for me to expect that. I want him to be a perfect provider in all ways and he isn't able to do that. God is my Perfect Provider, the All-Sufficient One, the Great I AM.

The Valley of Humiliation is actually being the indentured servant.

By the way, I am comforted by my role model Kay Arthur and others who work very hard as a calling of God. They are working because they want to get something for themselves. They are working because God is using them. Look at the way Paul the Apostle worked.

I think that God wants me to get out there and work in my field of psychiatry (also) because He is doing something in the realm of things that I can not see – in administrations of principalities and powers, in the administration of His running of this world, that is He wants to run like a red thread through this world because He wants to do things that I don’t understand.

I feel like no one really understands me in this specific trial, and it makes me feel ashamed that I have to “come through” as the hero, and yet a part of me wants to be the hero, I know. The bottom line is this:

“The life I live is Christ and to die is gain.”
“I consider everything loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things and consider them but dung….”

Hi 2007!

2006-12-31T23:09:00.000-08:00

I spent this evening (it is now 11:07 P.M. California time, 12-31-06, in virtually the rest of the world, it IS 2007) writing out goals, plans and ideas for 2007. Actually I have been thinking and praying about these things for awhile, so it isn't like these ideas sprang up from nowhere.

But first, let me say that the Lord provided an absolutely incredible 50th birthday party for my husband last night, that you too will see in glory what God did for Himself, and His glory last night. He got a Bible that he virtually showed off to his family – that is an act of God Himself and perhaps one of the great memories of 2007 (perhaps because it is so fresh in my recollection!)

Now back to the subject at hand...what is next on my agenda.

2007 I think will be a time when I have accepted the fact that a main role in my partnership with my husband is "income generation" and my husband's duty centers on "income organization and support."

For 20+ years, I have resisted this identification/labeling of my role in the family, but it is useless, futile and counterproductive to resist God's provision through this vessel (me). Am I so full of self-righteousness that I know better than God (or think I do?) Am I so "wise" that I can direct my own life apart from God's direct intervention and mighty hand in my life? God's plan is best and He knows the end from the beginning. He has a direction He is moving, and end that is beyond what I see now. He is separating me from this world, from my pride and self-righteousness, my sense of entitlement and control. Anyway…

I am going to work more and my husband is going to help with the many ends of the business and home life so that I can actually work more. The bottom line is I am going to work more so that we can do the things that we want to do for our children and family, as they are entering college, etc and the expenses are going up for other reasons as well. My husband is a wonderful father and God is tying me up, as He has many times in the past, maybe to draw out my husband and increase His role while keeping me occupied elsewhere. It I had enough hours in the day, I would control virtually everything. I am like a virus that spreads throughout the community (world?) or like a fragrance that seeps all around. If I am not used up somewhere I tie up other people from doing their roles, because I do it for them (you know people like that?)

I don't much like spending a lot of time in psychiatry, but God has greatly gifted me in this area and has provided everything for me in this area. I am praying that He will bring me out from this area eventually, and into general Christian ministry, but God has not provided that yet. He is still bringing in the fold, or folding in (as in baking) some other ingredients into His pumpkin family pie.

Well, it is 11:25 and I am going to do a spell check and go to sleep! See you in 2007, Lord willing!

When the lion roars

2006-12-25T15:19:00.000-08:00

Yesterday while I was wrapping Christmas gifts and watching Precept Ministries’ Kay Arthur she was teaching on Ephesians and talked about how when a lion roars we startle, but Satan, who is personified as a lion, when he roars and we jump, then he obtained his desired result. When he didn't roar, and we didn't startle, it wasn't as if he wasn't really there. He was there all of the time, but we didn't know it or wasn't attuned to it.

The past twenty four hours or so, since I wrote my last blog, had been going really well, and then I opened an envelope and heard the lion roar, and I startled, and Satan (not himself personally, but his forces) had received their desired effect.

Currently I am trying to clear my mind. Actually I am in a similar sort of state that I was in the day before yesterday, as to how exactly I should proceed. I think I know how I am going to proceed. Kind of like how Abigail proceeded, the wise, beautiful and intelligent woman that she was.

Father, My Shepherd! I listen for Your voice and I humble myself before You. I am learning how not to take care of myself, but how not to be a lump of dead rock that is passive either, but how to be an effective person doing my utmost for Your highest. Move each of my limbs personally as I learn to walk in the yielding and the power of the Holy Spirit. Currently, FREE MY MIND! Also, continue to have Your Holy Spirit to be strong in our family. For who do we have but You? Be with us in love and Your personal presence in each one of these lives. For Jesus' sake! For His glory alone, but I will share in it, Amen.

The Difference a Day Makes

2006-12-24T17:14:00.000-08:00

Yesterday morning I had no gifts for my children and nearly nothing for my husband. I also felt puzzled how to proceed because of mental confusion due to spiritual warfare and because of concern of method of payment.

Twenty-six years ago as of 12/21/06 my husband and I began dating. All of the years since there has been bondage and battles (both seen and unseen) regarding money. Well, actually this battle and bondage rages in each of our minds and hearts separately since we were each small children.

God is clearing out clutter and cobwebs and through this cleansing and freeing process there is confusion and pain. But this battle is the Lord's and it is for His glory and my best-our best interests.

Right now I sit in my car with a large car filled with bags of all sorts of goodies - well beyond what I imagined yesterday. In fact yesterday I thought our family was going to perhaps be experiencing a new sort of Christmas message for our family - a lesson forced from difficult circumstances. Instead, we have a typical Christmas with the usual overflowing pluthera of gifts. Except there is thanksgiving that is more abundant, and some humility.

My husband and I are growing and through all these troubles over these months, which continue as I "speak," and we haven't had one fight, only increasing measure of love. This love is so necessary because each of us feels vulnerable and exposed, because each of us is learning how not to trust inourselves or in false gods and idols but in God who raises the dead (II Corinth). Merry Christmas!

I don't know what to do

2006-12-23T07:59:00.000-08:00

Should I go and do this thing on my own? I suppose so. Some action is called for. Yet, I don't want to go and try to help myself again, when in fact I am not helping myself at all in the long run, but shooting myself in the foot.

I pray for some little momento that I could provide that would convey the meaning that I love them, without conveying to my husband that I don't need him.

Oh Father God,
Thank You that You are the God who reveals Himself to the lowly and that You are a God Who can be known! You reveal Yourself through trials, signs and wonders, disciplines by Your voice, and the other things You said in Deutoronomy. I want to know You, the Eternal God, the All-Sufficient One and I want to Know You more than I want the problems of my little life fixed. Lord, You view the grand and vast domain of eternity and what is best for our shared end. I see the temporary, but give me eyes to see and strength to stand and I will stand and I will see, not as the world sees.

Lord, grant me gifts for my family this Christmas and a means to pay for them. Grant me ability to pay these two companies for the party on the 30th. Grant my husband wisdom and patience with the kids and business. Grant me the ability and desire to endure longsuffering knowing that the testing of my faith produces endurance. The proving of my faith gives glory to You, my King. You boughtl me out of this world and now I serve the Living and True God. I am alive forever. I serve at the pleasure of my King.

Standing firm

2006-12-22T20:34:00.000-08:00

I'm exhausted! Life is really hard. Yet, there IS A LOT to be thankful for. So, I'm holding my position in Christ.

We're sinners in this family

2006-12-17T20:39:00.000-08:00

You know, I am thankful that our family - my husband and four children, we pretty much know that we are sinners. I think that I did not try to get the kids to just look good, but I wanted them to be themselves, and to love God. I didn't want them to be phony. And I think that we are imperfect people who know that we are sinners. I think that that is the place that God can start to work, in the humble heart, the one poor in spirit. God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble.

"Come unto me all you who labor and are weary and I will give you rest."

He is our rest.

He is our peace.

He is enough for me.

This I (think) I know

2006-12-14T08:35:00.000-08:00

God did not save my husband at a late age to then not use him.
God did not allow certain difficulties in my husband's life, dismantling his architecture to then not rebuild in His own image.
God is preparing my husband for a special work at the right time.
God is going to bring everything together for good that we can all see in this time and place, in the near future.
God has a plan for me, and He is using me, but He is also moving me out of my husband's way so my husband can be a leader through which God is going to do a unique work.

That being said,
I pray and thank God for my husband's upcoming birthday party that everything would go smoothly with all things said and done in this time and place, and in heaven. That God would be present and bring a gift to my husband that is greater than I could even have anticipated, and also would be all that I anticipated. That my husband would know that his life has had purpose and has purpose in a profound way. That this party would also demonstrate that the framework of our marriage is Christ's likeness and strength and direction and presence. That God would in a public and pronounced way demonstrate that He has created us to be husband and wife in the likeness of Genesis 1 and 2, and He would springboard what He wants to do through us and our marriage into the next phase of life. That God has created a great person in me and a great person in Brad and a great marriage, not of ourselves but of God. He has been faithful to all my prayers for all these years and to the desires of my heart that have been in place and has forgiven and absorbed those places in my heart and actions (and in my husband's heart and actions)that have not been right.

May God take each of us, and each family member on to these specific areas, if it is His will, all in the power of Christ Himself:

That I would proceed as a godly wife and mother and role model, helper and example.
That I would proceed in the MBA and hospital work.
That I would proceed in the Bible Study.
That I would proceed as a praying friend.
That eventually God would bring me into the arena of an author and even a speaker if He wants.

For my husband:
That he would be the leader of all of our financial affairs/corporation/businesses and be wise and successful.
That he would not have either weariness and dread, discouragement versus arrogance and pride, but that God would give him a place to put his foot on good ground.
That God would take him into the body of Christ of believers and he would be loved, received and perfect fully placed.
That he would continue to be the great father and husband that he is, growing increasing more so.
That God would bring into a professional ministry that would be profound and great and his testimony would be awesome. The evidence of God would be great and manifest. That my husband would understand this as he accepts God's will for his life.

That my oldest daughter would get into the specific medical school and college program that is right for her, even the one that I am praying for, and she is desiring as well and would meet those career goals that she has.
That she would grow and be established in her faith and be a beautiful spokeswoman for God.

That my oldest son would thrive at his present school and be a bold man of God. That God would take him into a perfect academic setting for him after high school and bring him into godly ministry. That he would be a powerful speaker and relater to people and shepherd.

That my oldest daughter would transition well into her high school years and that setting and be greatly blessed in her basketball that she loves. That she would get into the same program that her older sister is in and be a pediatrician. That she would know and understand the power of God. That she would be able to be a homemaker and mother and develop those domestic gifts that she has, and would develop patience. That God would be great in her as well.

That my youngest son would become a strong and mighty man of God. That he would not be bullied because he is sensitive, but God would protect him and his personality from harsh treatment. That he would make it through all of his teenage years with the godliness that he has desired for himself. That he would continue to cover his eyes when he sees inappropriate magazines, as he does now and would be strong in heart to be a godly man. That the Lord would make him into a strong man that is lifted up and honored for the Lord's sake.

These are prayers that I think that the Lord may be in, but I doubt that He is in each one, but hopefully some are on target. The faithful and on-target prayer of a righteous man availeth much! I went out on a limb on some, but I couldn't help myself!

Where is peace?

2006-12-12T09:11:00.000-08:00

Anxiety is in circumstances and peace is found in yourself. No, not in "yourself " like I've changed into some self-help guru. Peace is in yourself, as in "get a grip," "relax," "these circumstances are not to overtake your mind."

No circumstances are ever great enough to steal your compusure. You are greatly patient. You are greater than your circumstances, because you are seated In Christ, far above circumstance, far above all pricipalities and powers. You are a child of the Great King and He has equiped you with every spiritual blessing in heavenly places.

So, take courage, my child. Okay, I take that courage. I take that place of authority In Christ. I have peace. It was with me all the time.

I'm looking to that heavenly reward that is with Him when He comes! Are you?

At what cost obedience?

2006-12-08T05:31:00.000-08:00

Schizophrenia.
When things don't make sense.
When reality is too much to bear.

Lord, I fail you.
See my weak faith?
See my anger with You?
See my fears?
I am faint.
I am broken.

I trust You.
It is because Your way is the only hope.

How I am asking!
How I am pleading!
How I am begging!
That things would be different!

"If I give my body to be burned,
but have not love,
I am like a clanging cymbal
(II Corinthians)."

Encourage me this day.
I walk another day with my war boot sludging through sludge.
I will be like a quiet sheep before the sheerers.
I will hope that today will be my deliverence-
The day of the Lord's deliverence.
I will say, "yes" and "amen" but You see my heart.
You know my fears.
Please raise my dead body that is clinging to the dying body of Christ on His cross.
Don't leave me here.
Don't leave me here!
Your resurrection is sure!

Things are getting better

2006-12-06T19:07:00.000-08:00

Things feel better. So I think I will go and celebrate by going to sleep early! I wish I had more energy to write about it, but we're not out of the woods yet. Sorry I don't go that much into the details. Later.

I asked for decafe!

2006-12-02T22:39:00.000-08:00

I was at Starbucks and I asked for decaffinate coffee. I got caffeinated. What a drag.

Tonight I went to work at the psychiatric hospital for about an hour. While there, there was a "Code Blue" in the lobby, meaning someone wasn't breathing type thing. First there was the overhead annoucement. Then there was the nurse who exclaimed, "Oh God!" I told the staff that I would watch the nurse's station. They can go attend to the matter. About four minutes later a nurse comes walking down the hall in an unexpected matter. Like sluggish. She said, "It was training. There was no Code Blue." The Director of Nursing had been in the hospital this Saturday night and pulled the test. The staff "failed" because they remembered the oxygen, the blood pressure cuff and other stuff, but forgot to bring the machine that zaps the stopped heart with electricity. Oh well, maybe next time. For sure there will be another test, especially since they failed.

Oh, that makes me think of this spiritual application. What a unique and novel thing for me to think of in this blog of mine!

God is giving us tests after tests after tests. Are we forgetting to bring the equipment to start the heart that stopped beating? Are we remembering to "Stand. Stand therefore with the full armor of God?" Am I remembering to "Count it as PURE JOY when you encounter various trials, knowing that the TESTING of your faith produces endurance....and let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect (complete) not lacking in anything." Approximate quote but pretty close.

I think I need to take some more Benadryl or I will never get to sleep!

My secrets and why my blog is annonymous

2006-12-01T17:36:00.000-08:00

"Oh that Ishmael would stand before you!"

14 years later (or so), God says, "Take your son, your only son (Isaac) and offer a burnt offering."

Hope you know the stories and can fill in the blanks.

Do you know the song, "Wouldn't it be lovely, lovely, lovely..."

So as my mind darts around, I think of some cool ideas. Well, they're dreams, and I don't know if they are my way of escaping present troubles, if they represent good ideas or bad, if I am trying to build my own tower of Babble, or what.

Anyway, I wish that: (besides my "normal" prayers-these are the ecentric prayers of a semi-delerious one) :
1) That God would establish our businesses, and create a charitable corporation through us.
2) That my husband would do something extreme with his life, like go to Africa in association with our church and go to their 7 month Bible school they have there, and be a part-time missionary. I started to explain why in this blog, but that's just too complicated. It feels stupid to think of these things.

Stretch

2006-11-30T09:04:00.001-08:00

Ever feel like a rubber band -stretch, stretch,stretch - and then think, "maybe I ought to get out of this situation?" Where do you run? Where do you hide? The change of the situation for me is to realize, I may feel stretched, but that is just the flesh, just the temporal that is being shaken.

Remember Paul who said he has learned the secret to be content in ANY circumstance? It is to be separated from this world. Bye, bye.

The Lord is faithful. He's doing something that I've waited 20 +h

Stretch

2006-11-30T09:04:00.000-08:00

"How Long, Oh Lord, How Long?"

2006-11-28T08:41:00.000-08:00

Have you ever read that psalm that says that? "How Long, Oh Lord, How Long?" It is from Psalm 6. I turned to it this morning.

When I read it this morning, it comforted me as it reminded me of a previous difficult trial. My husband did not know the Lord, and for many years I was really desperate that he should know and follow God and I used to cry out to the Lord and read and cry over this psalm.

I needed my husband to know the Lord, because I wanted to trust him that he would take cake of me properly. I wanted to trust him to be my provider. I figured that if he knew God and served Him, then I could trust him to take care of me.

Oh, how I do want to be taken care of in a dependable and reliable fashion! But only God is dependable and faithful. I need to trust in His unfailing love. Only God is perfect. It is idolatry to look to a human to meet all of my core needs. Only God can do that.

When David was being chased and pursued by enemies for no fault of his own (First Samuel), he strengthened himself in the Lord.

There is reality and there is life that we think is real. The reality is that God is for me and He is transforming me into the image of His Son. The reality is that every single thing in my life is going to turn out together to be for my good and will be used by a sovereign God to help me. The reality is that the more I am separated from the things of this world, the more I am sanctified, the less I am affected by circumstances, the less likely I am to be tossed to and fro by every wind of doctrine and the craftiness of men. The reality is that God is for me, so who can be against me? The reality is that this battle is not mine but is the Lord's. The reality is that it is a privilege to suffer for Him, and to this I was called. The reality is that it is right that I should suffer for such a kingdom, to find myself worthy of it (II Thessalonians). The reality is that His grace and will are sufficient for me and that power is perfected in my weakness. The truth is that when I am weak and flat on my back, Christ Himself can live in me and do more through me that when I get in the way. The reality is that this world is going to hell in a hand basket and the more I am separated from this world, the less pain that I will have later, when I have to lose the things anyway. The reality is that at the judgment seat of Christ when our deeds are proved, there will be the suffering of loss for the wood, hay and stubble that burns in the fire, and the less that I have of wood, hay and stubble to burn, the better. The truth is that God is pleased with me when I endure. The truth is that God is proving me to prove my faith strong and right, not to disprove me. The reality is that I am being sanctified, made holy, being set apart for God's personal use. The reality is that I am in Christ, seated in Christ, far above all principalities and powers. The reality is that I am His child.

My problems abound today and the reminders of the problems hit me like small bits of cold and frozen ice pellets on my face as I walk through the burning cold Minnesota weather, the wind piercing and mocking me. (I don't live there anymore, but I remember!)

Would you pray for me, that God would bring this trial to a close and that my husband and I would be found faithful in it? That we would make God proud of us because we endured and graduated from this trial? Also, my brother-in-law's wife just walked out on him and he is devastated. Pray that he would turn to the Lord during this time and be born-again. Thanks, I feel like we could really use your prayers!

This is what I've been thinking (and praying) about

2006-11-21T09:12:00.000-08:00

Since my husband and I are one body in Christ, and since I was created as a helper to him, and since Christ is the head and Christ wants to fill all in all, then it follows that....it follows that....it follows that.....humm. What follows that?

I was reading in "My Utmost for His Highest" about the importance when we are our wits' end NOT to panic but to continue to trust quietly and completely in the sufficiency of God.

I realize that my husband is very much of a leader and controller, even though I used to not think so. When I really actually gave up my grip I find he is there and that he is always there, since 1980, he is there. When I loosen my death grip on the essence of our single life and body, then I fall down. He falls down. We all fall down. And we wait awhile. 'Till my husband who really was controlling things anyway, does his role better and I am there. The woman at his side, who enjoys being a woman. The person she is. That "great gal."

One more thing. I've got to continually get out of the so-called "Christian" box which isn't actually Christ's life at all, but is my own presumptions. My presumptions are death. His life in my impotent life is Life and power and peace and resurrection.

here's a copy of a letter I wrote to my Assistant Pastor and Pastor

2006-11-17T18:44:00.000-08:00

I thought that I would give you an update about the Women’s Bible Study group. We just finished the eight week session on I Samuel and God met us each week. There were just a few women, each chosen by Him. One dropped out. Three (besides me) endured. One was the Catholic woman who was with us in the summer. She is so sweet and is growing in the grace and the knowledge of the Lord. She is a stay at home Mom who used to be a nurse. She just learned last week that the Holy Spirit will not leave one who is truly born again (what a relief!). Another woman is somewhat knowledgeable about a lot of Scripture and has been a Christian for nearly forever (that is, since childhood). She is about 50 years old and is a Lutheran. She works as an OR nurse. She learned last week that consulting mediums was actually wrong. We got a little side tracked and got on a discussion about how God’s grace through us is how we perform in our gifts, by Christ Himself flowing through us. This was incomprehensible to her and tried to explain how we do our best (basically in the flesh) with the gifts that God has bestowed to us. We moved back to the subject at hand but seeds of truth were planted. The last woman goes to Harvest Church and brought a little quote to one of the sessions, “God helps those who help themselves, right?” She was in the middle of a discussion and it wasn’t actually timely to interrupt her and tell her that no, actually, “God helps those who can not help themselves.” Anyway, she appears so guilt ridden about having been a Christian since age 14 (she is probably in her 50’s too) and just hasn’t measured up. She feels badly about when she doesn’t complete the homework, etc. I thought she was going to end up dropping out and called one time having said basically that she didn’t know if she could continue, but she did not drop out and says that she wants to come back for II Samuel. I think she loves and desires God, but just is not in touch with the reality of His grace and truth. One session no one came and that was sad for me, but I thought about how hard it must be for missionaries who go to a land to try and bring about converts and can find any. Each week Brad and the children make sure the house is nice and quiet and they seem happy to participate in this way.

In mid January we will do II Samuel. Pray that God will continue the work that He has begun and that He bring His people to the study and individually teach His children. Blessings to you and your growing family.

I thought that I would give you an update on the MBA stuff that I talked with you about several weeks ago. God has just seemed to open up that way completely. I appreciate your word about the fish and the amazement that seized Peter. For me, it seems that I have repeatedly at times over the years have been trying to become less involved in psychiatry and my work and “professionalism,” not more involved, but God is so funny. Never in a million years would I have imagined … (what God is going to do, in the way He is going to do, which I do not know really what it is, so I guess my mind gets ahead of me sometimes.) Yet, I am also really excited about what God is doing and is going to do, even though it didn’t feel expected. Since asking the CEO and Medical Director for their letters of recommendation for the University program, I have been invited to be on the Board of Trustees and then to chair the board to Trustees. In another administration meeting, in the Lord, I made a recommendation about a way to handle a problem and it was embraced by all the people and then applauded at the Board of Trustees meeting. Meanwhile, this outside corporate head dude was at this meeting today and said nice things about me, what the CEO has said to him about me. I hope this doesn’t sound like bragging in the flesh, but I know that you wouldn’t be impressed with these things anyway, but only enthusiastic if the Lord is doing something Himself. It is the Spirit of God moving that give us joy, because when the Lord is pleased, then we are pleased. When His life is expressed, then we can be pleased with the glory that the Lord is receiving in heavenly places. The whole thing at the hospital where I work and in my “career” just cracks me up, because this is not the way I would have envisioned the Lord to use me, if indeed He is using me. Today at one of these smaller meetings, one social worker lady mentioned, “it is kind of like religion, sometimes people can get carried away with it.” The other social worker said, “Yeah, balance in life is what is important.” Meanwhile I’m thinking, “You just have no clue.” I’m thinking how I am trying to be so fully surrendered to God so fully and completely so that He can live His life through me. Talk about balance – NONE. My citizenship is in heaven and from there I await a Savior, Christ my Lord.

I’ve been resting in God’s grace because it is through His grace that Christ Himself will live this life for me. I just need to be humble, available and allow Him to use me how He is pleased to do so without me getting in His way. Not to freak out as He is making a left turn at a high rate of speed – “Lord, what about ----“ Oh, I guess that thing I thought mattered doesn’t matter, or mattered too much for my good! (Let me just rip that from your life, don’t you know that I am enough? That I am sufficient?) God is faithful. And He is sufficient. Not only is His grace sufficient for me, but His will is sufficient for me. It is just funny because I think I have broken almost every “common sense” thing I thought that I as a Christian I was supposed to do and be (I am not talking regarding the basic commandments, but my presumptions, my common sense of what seemed logical that God would be pleased with that I do) and God is continuing to show me that if I want to know Him, I need to lay all my common sense aside and seek His sufficiency alone. Rich, thank you for your teaching ministry and example. Keep walking strong – iron sharpens iron.

God bless you and your family (I just love them),

Andrea

quick check in

2006-11-15T21:07:00.000-08:00

Just checking in to announce that I am still in pain.

Well, let me try this alternative announcement:

Just checking in to announce that I am fine.

Here is another alternative:

Just checking in to say, part of me is dying but part of me is alive and growing in Christ. Part of me says, "this sucks." But the living part of me says, "I consider it all joy that the Lord has seen fit to choose to refine me into His vessel for the bearing of much more fruit for His glory and harvest, unto that day."

"I know Whom I have beleived, and I know that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him unto that Day."

Continuing strong in the faith and becoming a stronger person in my mind,

the Ordinary one who is strong and courageous, often times. When I'm not afraid. But I can be both. Really. Just watch me.

Born a Woman

2006-11-06T07:10:00.000-08:00

If you've read my blog lately, I'm going through a trial. Last night as I was slumbering off to sleep and thinking about what Kay Arthur was teaching me earlier in the day, that "grace snuggles" (you had to have heard the lecture, I guess, but anyway...). I was snuggling up to the Lord in my pain and my fear. Then, in that space, I thanked God for making it difficult because I know that I am His. I am truly His bond servant. Held in bonds to Him and He could do anything that He wanted to do, because no matter what He did and no matter what it looked like, I was still there, waiting for Him to pull through on my behalf, in His perfect timing, in His perfect way. At least at that time in my life. November 5th, 2006.

I thought also that I am my husband's wife. He has a measure of governmental authority over me that God has granted and there is nothing that I can do to escape that, so why try? Why not sit there in that misery and declare that I too am my husband's indentured servant. That I am staying where I am, where I have found myself in this relationship because it is God's will for me at this time in my life.

All I know that I am to do at this time in my life is to submit myself to God and my husband in the midst of this trial and pray and wait. There isn't anything else I can do except to try to go about my day as normally as possible.

I sort-of hate being in a yoke. Don't we all? Don't we women bristle at the thought that our husband has been granted some sort of licenses authority over us, over our bodies, over our futures? Don't we as people resist fully submitting to whatever God wants to do? Don't we hold a little extra secret stash of cash, or whatever we feel can get us out of a tight space? Don't we want to hold a little back from God?

There in my submitted and humbled space of my mind, whereas I lay in my bed submitted to God and to my husband under Christ, I thought, "this isn't so bad."

But the flesh in me thinks it is really bad, and really it is a mark of utter failure, and for the flesh it is a mark of utter and complete failure and misery. Sort of like just hanging on a cross. "If you are the Christ, take Yourself down from there!" If I am a 21st century woman, just fix myself out of this situation. "God helps those who help themselves, right?" (No, not right.)

I didn't really like the fact that I was born a woman, frankly. I’d rather have the superior place in a relationship of woman and man. I’d rather be born a god myself, rather than born owing God His due authority over me. In recent years I have come to more fully grasp the beauties and wonders of womanhood. However, most of my life I did not know that there were such wonderful fruits of being a woman, pleasant things to enjoy – that I might myself enjoy.

In work, I am a powerful woman, and I see myself as becoming more and more powerful and effective. I am a leader and help organizations run effectively. I help people to do their best, helping to inspire their natural motivations. I do this, all the while, being a woman and being in that brace called a yoke, to both God and my husband.

My husband likes having a powerful and effective woman as a wife, but doesn't like or want to be personally led by her, although He enjoys her wisdom and effectiveness. It is an incredible tightrope walk. Working with my husband, not over him, not commanding him. I can not command him because I am under him in authority rank before the Lord, due to the way that God has set up His Kingdom. I can not command him because he will not submit to me. (I’ve tried!)

I believe that God has opened the door for me to do more and more and become more and more in terms of a leader in my work. I am excited about the MBA, but frankly, bowing out would be fine for me too. A relief, actually. A housewife hanging out at the house would be great (just give me servants to do all the cleaning and cooking!) But not doing God's will for me is horribly unthinkable and I believe, as imperfect as I am to know, with what I do know, I believe that I am to do this MBA and go forward in my life in this manner as a leader as an MD, MBA, Lord willing and unto His glory for His purposes, that I do not know and can not see, as I am a mere human.

God wants me, I think, to be a role model for my growing children at this time in my life and not to try and control their lives, because they are now entering into their own little miniature adult lives. God wants me, I think, to let my husband find his own way, and see the Lord's working through it as well, in regards to certain areas that God has given him to do. God is letting him know, I think, that Andrea, his wife, is NOT going to run in and rescue him or herself from the circumstances that he has allowed to develop. I can not do everything, and I can only do, am only to do that to which I have been called.

So I have decided not to worry about certain things. God is affecting a lot of things in heaven and on earth that I can not see. He is taking over certain realms of so-called invisible territories for Himself and His purposes.

Meanwhile, I will remember who I am in Christ, that I am God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works that God has predestined that I should walk in. I will stay in my line. I will wait and I, in Christ, along with my husband, will triumph.

When the life of faith seems elusive

2006-11-03T20:20:00.000-08:00

There is a whirlpool inside of me. Somewhere between the innocence of youth and an upright and capable adult. When the crises of life come upon me like a tornado, or what feels like a tornado, the whirlwind churns and everything goes fuzzy. In the fog, in the confusion, in the swirling around, I not only simply worry, and am worry personified.

So then I remember that for me to worry is sin, because worry is unbelief, and worry signifies that I don't believe that God is for me. Worry announces that I am disobedient to the truth. His truth. The One who is truth. The One who is for me.

But all I have is worry, so then I remember what Kay Arthur just taught me, that I am a helpless, ungodly sinner. Then it makes sense. That is why I worry anyway, even though I don't want to. I sin because I am a sinner. I am helpless to help myself because I am helpless. God likes that because then He can work. He can work in impotent people. “When I am weak, then I am strong, therefore I glory in my weakness.” Because that is when the life of Christ can work into a person His very Self, through the Holy Spirit by faith.

I am in the center of God's will. The place that James says to rejoice in. The wonderful perfect spot where God is working inside of me to change the very nature of who I am. To rearrange the chemicals in my brain so that neurons fire differently and in different places. I am in the place where my dependency of God is greater than it has ever been before in this certain area of temptation for my flesh. I am alone with my sin. And my sin is ever before me. I am a sinner. I confess my sin of unbelief and God is there, ready to supply me with what I need, the medicine of His forgiveness, His mercy, His recognition of my lack, His Almighty power as raindrops of grace. His hand that calms the sea and quiets the storm.

One problem is that it doesn't make sense that God would allow me to have such pain and confusion. The problem is that on the one hand I know that God is good and God is for me and God is working all things together for my will and that the trial is an opportunity. However, on the other hand, I feel pain and I am afraid. Truly afraid because I have no where to rest myself, because of the whirlwind and the tornado and that there is no where to place my feet. No where to go to be comforted. I can't go to God in the traditional way that I know Him because to me He has changed. But He has not changed, but my view of Him was wrong and I am having to reconcile the difference. I am having to hold to the knowledge of all that He is that is good and perfect and sovereign and at the same time suspend my confusion that contradicts the knowledge of His goodness. And just believe anyway. It isn’t a mighty or grand thing to do, because I have no where else to go. Just like Moses didn’t have anywhere else to o but across the Red Sea.

Job said, "Though He slay me, I will trust in Him." Job trusted in a God that took away everything that was good in His life until He had nothing left except a nag who told him to curse God and die.

I am afraid that I really hate where I am right now and I want to get mad like a little girl and stomp my foot and scream an holler until I get my way. The problem is, I have found that God is not to be manipulated like my parents were. I found that God is displeased with that type of grumbling. I know that if I do that I am acting spoiled, and I am not acting in a becoming way before the Lord. Oh, life is so hard! I am afraid that God will not fix this situation that I am finding myself in. I am afraid that it will get worse before it gets better. I am mad because I don’t think the problem is my fault. However, the problem exposes my sin that I spoke of in this blog the last couple of entries. The problem is that I have sin and error and problems of character and emotional instability that God is correcting through using difficult circumstances, so like Paul I can be content in whatever the circumstances.

My prayer is that God would have mercy on me in my circumstances. My prayer is that God would relieve the circumstances. My prayer is that I would know Him in the midst of the circumstances. My prayer is that I would be imparted with His grace to handle the trial. My prayer is to have less and less of myself and more and more of Him. My prayer is to thank Him for the trial through which He is reshaping my very personality. My prayer is that I would honor Him before the principalities and powers that are at war in the heavens by my steadfast spirit. My prayer is that I would not faint. My prayer is that my faith would grow brighter with each passing day until the light of the midday sun. My prayer is that His grace would be greater, that my faith would be greater. My prayer is that I would be obedient to each step of this life of faith. My prayer is that I would not be a disappointment to Him. My prayer is that I would stand, and having done everything, to stand -"stand therefore."

I would love you to pray for me. My spirit wants you to pray in the grandiose ways cited above. My simple and fragile self, just says, “help, I am afraid and in pain.”

The two main sets of things I've learned the past week

2006-10-31T09:17:00.000-08:00

1) The low-down is this refined swallowing: My husband is not my God (I'm re-learning). Worry is unbelief and is sin. Money is not my God either. I needed to repent about these things. Difficult circumstances and God's grace brought these nuggets to the surface.

2) I'm gonna go-for-it. Leave it for God and quit trying to control my life. Quit trying to keep the remote. Quit playing the song in my mind: "Should I go or should I stay now." Quit worrying how it looks. Be a warrior. I've let go today. I'm free. I'm free-falling. God is watching, protecting my interests. God is my life.

Verse for the day from Phil: "I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed but have sufficient courage that Christ may be exalted in my body whether by life or by death. For to me to live is Christ and to die is gain.

Jump in! The water is fine! (Living Water that is....)

Repentence for everyday life

2006-10-29T05:58:00.001-08:00

I'm going through a bit of a trial. Yesterday I was having lunch in my car and seeking the Lord with regards to the trial. I was listening to a Kay Arthur tape and reading Oswald Chambers "Utmost" book.

In a short while I found myself having a change of mind about two things in particular. First, my huband is never going to be able to live up my expectations and isn't capable of it. It was wrong for me to have unrealistic expectations. My lofty desires of him were based in my continuing to want him to be my King and satisfy me completely. He isn't my King. He isn't going to satisfy me completely. I needed to repent and change my mind about this.

Second, it was wrong to worry because worry is unbelief and for me, inthis point of time in my walk with God, for me to worry is sin. It is sin because I KNOW God is for me, cares about this trial and I know He is working behind the scenes for my good, so my worry is an active act of disobedience on my part.

Life is hard. God goes with us. So it is okay. Everything will be okay. His grace is enough for me. Completely sufficient and fully satisfying for every need, even when it may not look that way. Just look in the right place, dear ones.

50th Birthday prep

2006-10-24T09:16:00.000-07:00

I am preparing for a big party for my husband's 50th birthday. The party is December 30th. It will be an all day event (noon till 11 PM).

I spent a lot of the weekend sorting through pictures and picking music for the slide show. It was a bit of an overwhelming experience for me. I didn't realize or remember that he has been such an involved and good father. I didn't remember how much he loved those dogs we had in the early years. Also, what a reminder that we really did have one baby after the other and how adorable they are. And how much fun we have had.

A lot of times you just remember the bad things that loom bigger and bigger in the mind and over shadow what really was.

I decided to "respect my husband" as the Bible said through this party. The rewards are starting to come back already by providing me with a more accurate and appreciative perspective of things. Don't you find doing the right thing builds on itself into a good, sober and right life?

Good to me

2006-10-19T09:18:00.000-07:00

I want to write but I am really tired and want to go to sleep. I want to write about God's grace and the things that happened this week. I am nervous because lots of times people don't want to hear about good news, it gets them down. "Why can't my life be like that?" "Why can't I have good things?" Those are some of the things that I think others will think if I go on and on with my enthusiasm.

Really, everyone has God's grace sufficient for them. Everyone has God's will that is sufficient for them. Is God's will good enough for you or would you like more? Do you need more than merely the best that God has to offer? Do you also need the flesh to feel good? I know that I fall that way and it is hard. Life is hard. I'm not perfect. But sometimes I feel really, really blessed.

I am amazed at my life, my Lord, my family. I have problems but I chose to look at His magnificent sufficiency to me. And when I look, I am amazed. God has been so good to me.

Following Kimber

2006-10-13T12:11:00.000-07:00

This is what Kimber has up on her blog, so I thought I would do the same. However, I do not promise that I have been all-inclusive with my answers, and some answers are a judgement call, and some answers are affirmative going back a whole lot of years - so be cautious!

The things in bold are the things I’ve done! Copy it and publish your list!! Make bold what you've done then copy and paste into your blog post. Easy-schmeezy!

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins (no, but I was kissed by a killer whale once)
03. Climbed a mountain (what sdo you consider a mountain? And does driving count?)
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you’ and meant it!
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris (gee, so far I've lived a boring life)
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables (my father's/grandmother's)18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger (but I got asked out)
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse (I think - or else it was partial - probably partial)
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Visited all 50 states (but I'm at about 46)
40. Taken care of someone who was drunk
41. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country (how about Hawaii?)
42. Watched wild whales
43. Stolen a sign
44. Backpacked in Europe
45. Taken a road-trip
46. Gone rock climbing (sort-of - climbed over rocks!)
48. Midnight walk on the beach (no, but it was late)
49. Gone sky diving
50. Taken a train through Europe
51. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
52. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table, and had a meal with them
53. Milked a cow54. Alphabetized your CDs
55. Sung karaoke
56. Lounged around in bed all day
57. Gone scuba diving
58. Kissed in the rain
59. Gone to a drive-in theater
60. Started a business
61. Taken a martial arts class
62. Been in a movie
63. Crashed a party
64. Gone without food for 5 days
65. Gotten a tattoo
66. Got flowers for no reason
67. Performed on stage
68. Been to Las Vegas
69. Recorded music (but not professionally - just with a tape recorder!)
70. Eaten shark
71. Buried one/both of your parents (my dad)
72. Been on a cruise ship
73. Spoken more than one language fluently
74. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
75 Walked the Golden Gate Bridge (but drove on it)
76. Had plastic surgery
77. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived (well, we could have died)
78. Wrote articles for a large publication
77. Lost over 100 pounds (75)
79. Piloted an airplane
80. Petted a stingray (but caught one once)
81. Broken someone’s heart
82. Broken a bone
83. Eaten sushi
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Parasailed
86. Skipped all your school reunions (except did go back to my old school's reunion)
87. Shaved your head
88. Caused a car accident
89. Pretended to be "sick"
90. Surfed in the ocean
91. Saved someone's life
92. Fainted93. Been in the room while someone is giving birth
94. Hitchhiked
95. Adopted a child
96. Been caught daydreaming
97. Been to the Grand Canyon
98. Called off a wedding engagement
99. Donated your blood
100. Accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Savior and trusted Him to cleanse you for your sins, so that you too may have eternal life (I added this one because #91 and #100 was the same)

Who is my king?

2006-10-04T20:01:00.000-07:00

This past week has been revealing in several ways, but I want to comment on my king.

As you know, Christ is my King. However, I put my husband there instead, so easily. So easily and quickly I place him up there on Jesus' throne, without me even realizing it sometimes.

We were going to church on Sunday and my husband said something that hurt. And while I was worshipping and singing at church, I thought about how I was going to worship God then, and how I couldn't rely upon my husband and whether or not and how he believed God. And there as I was singing, it was like I realized that I - again -so was sitting upon my husband's coat tails and had left my first love. (Wow, sounds harsh.)

So quickly I want to prop him up and depend upon my husband instead. How I want him to be everything for me! All I need! How I want to need him and have him be perfect and dependable and a hero for me. How quickly I want to worship him, rather than God.

On the other hand, there are ways that I do not want to respect my husband. Not just here and there do I not respect him, but pervasively. I don't respect his position in the home. I don't honor his preferences. I don't conform my ways to better meet his needs. I don't look out for his feelings, his interests. I don't acknowledge the fact that he does not enjoy life at the same pace as I, that he does not have the same motivations as I and he does not have the same leanings that I do. I don't let him be the man that God made him to me. I want to change him into my own image and this is grossly disrespectful. I am sorry for this analogy, but it is kind of like the employee getting hired and then telling the employer how he needs to change everything, and that she is not going to do it like he likes. Hey, I didn't design marriage, but God sure did. God made it just the way that it pleased Him. Either get with the program, or move out of the way.

God wants me to be a godly wife and to respect my husband in an honorable and God-pleasing way.

God does not want me to depend upon my husband for a substitute for worship.

How is it that I can do one so easily and the other so grudgingly?

My Prayers

2006-09-28T05:38:00.000-07:00

Today as I was praying through my various prayer cards that I developed, I decided that I would come upstairs and go on the computer and check in with my blog buddies, because I miss you and I thought that I would share with you some of the things that I have on my cards.

I have a prayer card on my body and body image and I wrote about that in my other blog this morning. (Go back to my dashboard to find it.)

I have 8.5 x 11 yellow sheets in plastic protector covers, each with a day of the week that has various prayers and Scriptures on it. Thursday has a big MBA across it, as well as our business names and future (hopefully) business names, a future project that I desire with my mother and grandmother, my daughter's next summer plans and several verses. Also, is a picture of fish that I developed after a conversation with my Pastor who advised me regarding the MBA (a degree program), to remind me of the Scripture verses and promise that he gave me. The verses are from Deuteronomy 17:14-20 regarding what rulers and leaders are supposed to do, and these verses:

"Blessed be the name of the Lord Jesus Christ who heard my prayers and lifted me from the ash heap." Well, that isn't a verse. It is taken from Hannah's prayer in I Samuel.

"Now to Him who is able to keep you from falling to the only wise God and Savior be praise, glory, honor, dominion and power forever."

"Whatever you do in hand or deed do all in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ."

""Whatever you find you hand doing, do all in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ."

"Not by power not by might but by my Spirit says the Lord of Hosts."

I have a series of index cards that I pray from, that remind me of my current prayers and concerns. One card is about my husband's 50th birthday party Dec 30. Another is about God's promise and the "law of use" and how I need to respect my husband and to honor him for the good things that he is doing and God will enable him to do more in time. Another card has the statement on it, "It is an honor to suffer for Him for the kingdom. Count it a privilege and I have written on it a couple of ways that I am inconvenienced because I am trying to be honoring to my husband, and consequently there are things that I endure that hurt me. A bright pink card is a prayer that my husband would have "SUBMISSION TO YOUR LAWS, to Who You are, to have bold, direct and accepted witness of Christ and to be a light to his family” and many of his family members would proclaim a saving faith and I have the people's names listed.

I have a church bulletin and from it, it reminds me to pray for their unity.

I wrote a devotional letter the other day that says in part, "Naked and empty I come...No, I am filled up with myself...and I ask God that the next 20 years of my life would be like Philippians 3:14, and be filled with His dreams and not my own, His pursuits, and not mine, and that I would spend it on the interests of Jesus Christ.

Another paper I have is a series of complicated pictures of the parts of myself and how God is bringing all the parts of myself together into a mighty and complete bullet for Him, in Jesus Christ.

Another sheet has my various interests and ministries listed on a visual diagram.

I have the MBA catalog that I look at and pray about and think about what God is doing and on it I have written, "I want to know Christ wherever He tells me to go."

I have a picture that I drew that lays out on two halves, one of the Bible Study ministry that God currently has, and the other half about my work and doing what God wants me to do there, including the MBA (if Lord wills) and between the two halves is a statement that reads,” God has a greater, fuller plan He will work our through you," meaning that beyond these things, God has more.

Then finally I have a large post-it note that has 7 items of prayer request regarding my husband. They state:

Magnify his ability to support emotionally the kids and me as a coach
Heal his grieved and troubled heart
Remove discouragement and bring encouragement
Bring him into the body of Christ functioning as a member and restore him and eliminate loneliness
Eliminate fears of being subjugated to a woman and fear of inadequacy. Christ makes us adequate.
Protect him from adulteresses
Have him to hunger and thirst for righteousness.

Finally I have a flip daily prayer calendar written by Stormy (forget the last name) on praying for your husband.

May God use this example to help you and inspire you my friends in developing an exciting prayer life with God.

After prayer time, then do Bible Study.

May the Spirit of God be with you all.

Going to a wedding

2006-09-22T07:41:00.000-07:00

The retret was a blessing. It was a piece of heaven on earth. The week that just past was hard in some ways. My shower water is going right now, but I wanted to check in before I was away all weekend. God be with you all. Much love, Andrea

Overwhelmed with you

2006-09-15T07:50:00.000-07:00

I am overwhelmed and feel so blessed of the Lord. The comments on the last blog I wrote were all so special to me. I feel overwhelmed because I love what God has given to me this morning through all of you.

After I wrote the last entry, this past week as I reflected from time to time about what I wrote, I thought about how I didn't provide much background information for the newcomers, ect. Little did I know that you all, my friends, responded to me with each bringing a great gift - more of yourselves.

This is a wonderful thing to me. I guess that is one reason why I like psychiatry because I like it when people give me, entrust me with seeing more of who they are, show me more of themselves.

I am taking off to go to a women's retreat for the weekend.

Today I will leave you with a copy of an email that I sent off to my first Pastor in the Lord, who I "ran into" when I was crusing Blue Letter Bible site and sent him this:
Dear Bob and Dini,

I only have less than a minute right now, but maybe that is a good thing! I won’t be mailing you a fifteen page letter today! This is Andrea, who used to go to Calvary Chapel Irvine about 100 years ago.

I was referred to Blue Letter Bible to look up some Bible helps and saw your "Day by Day by Grace" daily devotional there and was blessed to read it and see God’s faithfulness to you.

God has been faithful to me as well. For the past several months (I will share this with you in the Lord), I have been having the pleasure of getting up at 5 AM for my Bible and prayer time for about 90 minutes or longer each day, and God is showing me so many things.

There is a course of this world and we, in Christ are seated far above it.

Anyway, as always, here are my prayer requests (out of habit I will give them to you):

God continue to rescue my family from the apathy of this world into full and rich service into the kingdom of His Son. They are in His kingdom, praise God! But, like the time of Judges, it is a time of apathy in the land, including in my home. Everyone is lulled to sleep by the pleasures of this world and by these times.

That God would be in the Women’s Bible Study that is in my home. We are starting a ten week study in I Samuel through Precepts Ministries with Kay Arthur Bible Studies. I think that God has brought merely two hungry women to the group, and I want to be faithful to all that He wants to do through me. I think that He wants me to be faithful to Him in these times, because I think that many years from now, that He has more for me, but He wants me to be faithful in this at this time, and I am so excited to be sharing God’s Word.

Also, the Lord is opening a door and I think that He is leading me to go through it, to get an MBA through an extended distance program for Health Care executives. I wouldn’t have chosen this, but I think that God has called me to do it, and in that case, it sounds very fun because He has some higher purpose for it.

At this time in my life, I think that the Lord wants me to be faithful to day by day living by grace in Him, but I think that one day He has more for me. It is hard because I have a burden in my heart of a greater work, some unspecified greater work, but it is not for now.

One time I was writing a poem to the Lord and I wrote, that I think was from the Lord, “You will burn for me but will you wait for Me?”

Some personalities are ready, willing and able to burn for the Lord, but waiting is harder. God has filled my life with times of waiting. It is His way of shaping difficult personalities and stubborn, impulsive people.

All glory to God. By the way, lately I have also been studying Ephesians, and about God’s grace and have been reminded of my early teachings of God’s grace through CCI. Lately I have learned/been reminded of God’s grace being power to do God’s work that He has prepared beforehand that we might do it.

You probably don’t remember, but I remember, how when I was little in the Lord and I asked you for a verse and gave you a description of what I was looking for and you told me about this verse:

“By the grace of God I am what I am, but His grace to me was not without effect, no I worked harder than all of the other apostles, yet not I but the grace of God that is in me.”

God continues to bless my work in the psychiatric hospital with great provision for anything that I would ever need. He is with me in that and it is not a strain or an effort.

With much love and gratitude,

Andrea

Dana asked

2006-09-08T20:27:00.000-07:00

Dana asked, "I haven't heard you say anything about adoption for awhile, is that something you still want to do or has your mind changed.

And how are your real mom and dad?"

My mind of adoption has not changed. However, God has shut that door at this time, but I think that He has something like that for my husband and me for the future.

Have you ever felt like God inspired you for something and it got you super charged up and excited? Have you ever felt like you had a burning bush experience like Moses?

Remember when Moses was inspired as a young lad of 40 years old to rescue the children of Israel from Egypt? God inspired him in that and then he tried to do it in himself. He wasn't being bad, just immature. Like a baby learning to walk. Takes a few steps and thinks he can run. If the stairs were nearby he'd fall down the whole flight.

Well, I think that God did inform me that He was going to be doing something like adoption in our family. Upon having this inspirational experience, I got so excited and preceded with adoption plans. The confusing thing about the whole thing was that the doors all seemed open for the process, so I figured that I was in the middle of God's will.

I remember at one point having a flash of a thought that Matt (the child we almost got approved to adopt - we were one of three families from a large stack) was not in God's will for us to adopt, but in my enthusiasm and earnestness, I did not pick up that red flag, but now in retrospect I know just when that was.

Moses failed when he tried to be the hero of Israel at age 40. He killed a guy in the process. He then ran away, like Simba from the Lion King running away from Scar - "Run away, run away, and don't ever come back!"

At age 80 while Moses was cruising the hills with his sheep, he noticed a bush that was burning but wasn't burned up. God spoke to him that he would in fact be a deliverer of the Israelites. Moses was older and wiser, and essentially, ready.

When God shut the door on the adoption process for us, to me it was just an indication that God was going to do an adoption or something like an adoption, in His own time and His own way and when that time comes, it was be really great.

Even now as I write this, God is comforting me, and that He is perhaps even re-assuring me that it will come, in His time.

At this time, God is not bringing about the adoption. I think it is for a later time. It may not be a legal adoption. It may be somebody that God brings into our family that we love like a child and who adopts us, so to speak.

There are many things that I want to do and that I would like to do for God, but He has really limited my path to a very narrow walkway. He has limited the opportunities and the things that I can do, because He is guiding me along a very specific path. Paul said that it is foolish for people to judge themselves, or to compare themselves with themselves.

At this time in my life, for reasons unknown to me, I think that God wants me to allow my work to be more prominent than I would otherwise have it to be. I believe that He has called me to use the gift of administration over the next several years, and to get this MBA and to let my light shine before men so that they may see my good works and glorify God who is in heaven. I believe that He wants to administer things in the course of this world that I can not see through His church (see Ephesians) so that He can effect some specific things for His own plans and purposes and He wants to use me.

So I will walk in His ways as much as I can. I will attempt to be lead by His Holy Spirit. I would rather hang around the house and teach home school to a boy who needs a home. I would rather my children didn't grow up. I am not in charge of my life. I was bought with a price. I am not my own. I serve at the pleasure of the One who made me out of His own image. I will go where I am called.

And if the MBA program is not of Him, that door will too close.

Regarding my "real mom and dad..."

Oh my! What a soap opera! How many chapters can I write? What to say now? Hummmmmmmm.......

Both my real and non-real (but I don't know which is which - do you?) fathers are dead. The sad thing is that it gives me peace to know that I don't have any obligations on me because they are dead, and there isn't anything that I need to do, other than pay respects to my step-mother and uncle, aunts, which doesn't require much.

It was sad when they died, and I cried and grieved for my father - oh, that's the real one, the one I cried and grieved over as I recalled how the little girl in me loved him, and how I recalled how the little girl in me bonded enough to him to cry and grieve. The adult girl didn't really cry for my father, because the adult girl didn't really have a connection with him, except for being criticized. The little girl missed him. And then that grief was over. Now things are peaceful.

Now, for my mothers....

My grandmother is 93. My second mother is 73. My original mother is 63. My grandmother is in pretty good shape. My second mother does a great job running her life and taking care of her, which is what she was born to do - take over and run and control every aspect of somebody else's life (just don't come near mine with those eyes of power and control). I am blessed that they are in good health and my mother really does pamper Grandma and she doesn't mind being "run."

The original mother is probably mad at me, as she has been for the past seven years or so, since I gave her the brush-off due to the mounting family problems since my second mother is insanely jealous and I figured she had the "right of ownership." (Is this how a child in a custody battle feels? A 44 year old child?) My original mother is nice on the outside. I'll stop there. She has an open hand and open pocketbook and is ready to suck up anything that looks attractive, but will always say "thank you."

Oh gee. I guess I have some issues. I didn't realize that they were all so close to the surface. Maybe God can do something with my issues. I think I need to pray more for them. That will help me.

Well, Dana, thanks for asking!

Today, I am nameless, but those who know who I am, know who I am!

Ordinary under His wing

2006-08-31T09:49:00.000-07:00

I love you all my blogger friends - seen and unseen. You are in my morning prayers. You are scheduled for Sunday and one other morning of the week. I am always so encouraged when I haven't found time to cruise other blogs and I come back to write a little more in my journal here on line and I see faithful people, who are more faithful than I am to them and their blogs, and it is always a wonderful blessing. I remember the feeling when the blog was brand new and I had no visitors, and then one day Dana ("Sweeter than ever") came to visit and that was so cool.

My other blog - the one about diet and exercise, I'd encourage you to cruise over there for the latest entry because it meaningful to me in many ways, particularly about the faithfulness of God.

I feel like a woman singularly rowing across the Atlantic Ocean in a small row boat. I am not alone however, nor do I really feel alone, except sometimes. I'm alone in the boat, but there are helicopters above and swimmers next to me and birds in the air and dolphins jumping for glee. There is a big ship to the left and another up ahead. But I row and row and row and feel all alone sometimes, just until I look around and see a lot of supporters supporting me.

I do feel like I am on a mission. I do feel that it is important to number my days. The Bible says there is a book of remembrance (Malachi and Psalm) and I hope that God is getting everything down in His book and I want it to be good.

I feel that God has a course marked out for me, a race. I want to finish my course. I feel that I influence a lot of people around me but in a very, very subtle way, kind of like a food group (what made me think of a food analogy?) that nobody thinks about unless it were to be gone. But this food group isn't gone, so no one really thinks about it, that much, it terms of the influence.

I have a whole lot of extended relatives, none of whom know the Lord (except my grandma but she is kind of confused in her rudimentary faith) and I think that me and my family are on display for them to see. To see how Christ works in a family. To see how Christ works when one really believes. I feel that God blesses all of the people that I pray for.

I row and I row and I row and sometimes I do not know what else to do. Sometimes I can't get my mind to shut off. Well, actually, except when I fall asleep, I don't think my mind does shut off. But sometimes I think that other people's minds do shut off, or at least slow down, but mine doesn’t so much. My mood remains stable and calm, however, and thankfully, I am not mentally ill, unlike my patients.

I go. I mark out what I do and when I do it. I pray about as much as I can think of because I know that God marks out a course for us and He guides the steps of the righteous.

Okay. I guess that is enough for the spiritual update. .

There are a number of specific things that are happening in my life which are:

My hospital work as a psychiatrist is taking on greater importance as my children are growing up and as God is pushing me through that WIDE OPEN door that He has sprung WIDE OPEN for me. In a few weeks I will go to a program to learn ECT - shock treatments for patients. The Clinical Trials program in my hospital is slowly building. Our outpatient program is busy. As far as my practice outside of the hospital, I do forensic type evaluations and that is busy. I am expanding to see youth offenders in my private office because I have a heart for these broken people who could break me. But God protects and I don't have any false hopes of actually changing anyone.

Marriage is building. We just celebrated 23 years and my husband's card to me and mine to him were really sweet. We exchanged perfumes. There is a depth of love there from having survived the war together. We have hopes and dreams and meet every week to discuss them in our business meeting. Sometimes it feels like he speaks French and I speak Latin and we communicate by sign language that no one understands. I see a mess before me and ahead a fanciful dream that I have and he shares and step by baby step we move forward as God is laying down a plan. “Step here.”

My kids are being sent out as little reluctant missionaries for God. They want to go to their little Christian prep school and say their little Christian prayers when it is convenient and God wants to send them to Africa, so to speak. Everything is so comfortable for them with Mom and Dad who tends (tends?) to spoil them and coddle their every whim. Being comfortable and a normal can-be-lazy teen is a very dangerous place to be. Apathy runs through our house, our neighborhood and our nation. I pray for them and where God wants them to go and how He wants me not to be afraid or to stand in the way for what He is going to do in their lives. I am too afraid not to follow each thing that I feel that God is telling me to do in their lives. They are thriving. They are flailing. They are lifted up when they fall. God will work mightily in their lives. They all know Him. He has their hand on each one of them. My husband is trusting God for each of their lives. He is growing in faith bit by bit.

“My” Bible Study is set to begin September 11, 2006. Please pray that the right people would come, that everything would go well and God would meet us. I hope there is 6 - 8 women besides myself, and they are the right women God would choose and that they would do their homework and come each week and be faithful in that. And God would open up the time of 7-9 PM each Monday for ten weeks and bless us with the company of Himself and we would worship Him and see Him in our fellowship and in our individual prayer and study times before Him each week!

Meanwhile, I think that God is leading me to do a two year program to get an MBA degree (beginning Sept 2007) and develop more into a leader at work and in the healthcare industry. I want to do that too and am simply moving ahead because all lights say “GO!” so who am I too argue? I don’t want to be like Moses (“But I don’t know how to speak.) I want to be like Hannah (“Give me a son and I will dedicate him to You.”) The weakest part of who I am God is choosing to become strong in Him so that HE can be strong in me and do something for Himself. I want to obey and abide in that but I feel scared. But also really excited.

I am also exercising, but getting tired of it. However, it is truly a blessing to be able to exercise. I am not crippled or lame. Glory to God.

Blessings to you. Hope there was something in this for those who stuck it though to actually read it.

I love you!

Andrea - Ordinary under His wing -

Remember, we are sheep - not burden bearing animals. Do not carry that weight. Take Jesus' yoke upon you, for His yoke is easy and His labor is light and you will find rest for your souls. Don't go on in your own strength! Know the power of the risen Christ. Be found in Him, not having a righteousness of your own that comes form "the law" (doing things out of your own strength), but be found in Christ - casting all of your cares upon Him and trusting Him to carry you. Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord God, the One who does not slumber or sleep, that He is FOR YOU! He is not against you! There is no, that's right NO CONDEMNATION for those who are in Christ Jesus! So trust in Him and give up your own life. Jump in - the water is fine! And out of your being will come rivers of living water - the Holy Spirit in you!

I haven't had opportunity

2006-08-26T04:56:00.000-07:00

It is 4:50 AM and I am not scheduled to get up until 5:00 AM, but I couldn't not stand being away from y'all any longer!

I used to be able to fill in the gaps during the times that I was not able to get in on my big computer, by using my "blackberry" style phone to log in while I was on the go. However, the blogger people changed something and I'm not able to get in without a "Google" account. I'll try again later when I am in my spin class.

Let me just say that I have been fine and all is well.

My friend that I've known since childhood is coming over today and we are going rafting. Before that I am going to pray and read the Bible, go to the hospital to see two patients, go to my spin/bike class, shower. She should be over at 9:45. I sure hope that she doesn't mind when I go to bed by 8:30 PM!

Life is really different when one applies herself to a fairly intense level of personal Bible study and prayer. There is so much that I wish I had opportunity to talk about, but I have to go now. I am hoping for an opportunity for an hour or two to write and communicate. Love to you. Andrea

"Do you ever feel you are on a mission from God?"

2006-08-12T07:39:00.000-07:00

Plod, plod, push. Life is hard. But I will press on. Who can hold back a person with a vision? Who can hold back a person who believes that she is possessed with a purpose higher and more significant than merely her own sights? Who can hold back the enthusiasm of one who believes that God is continuing to bring everything together for her good? Who can thwart a woman who thinks she hears God tell her that He is with her? That she can run for Him? That she can know Him? That she can work for an eternal purpose?

Yet, life is hard. The irritating fly keeps pestering. Why does he keep bothering me? People criticize. People don't share your vision. People test your mettle. People want to see what you are made of. People tend to hate your God and love their sin and feel threatened, so I keep things a bit undercover - never-to-be-threatening, so I can keep on my mission. My mission from God. God has called me to be a light in a dark place, so I am. I try to shine in the way He has called me. We all have a calling. Listen to Him for yours.

On Becoming a Woman

2006-08-04T19:33:00.000-07:00

I used to want to write a book. I have written two half-books, or nearly half. Anyway, the first half-book I wrote is called, "Heart of the Lioness." The name is derived, well, I don't feel like getting into all that because I woke up at 3:30 this morning and couldn't fall back to sleep and I was scheduled to get up at 5:00, which I did, but now I am sleepy.

The story behind the name, "Heart of the Lioness" is a great one, actually. But you can kind of figure out a little bit what it means, just by the name and by knowing what the book is about. I mean half-book.

The book is about being a woman - a Proverbs 31 woman, from the Bible. Okay! I'll tell you more about the name. The first line of Proverbs 31:10 talks about a capable wife. But various versions translate the word, "capable" into "excellent," "noble," "virtous," and goofy words like that. Everywhere else in the Bible that where at same word is used, (except when describing Ruth) words like, "valiant," and "mighty" are used instead.

I found a definition of that Hebrew word right in the Bible, from around the same period of time when Proverbs was written. In the book of Samuel the description of "valiant" was elaborated upon. In that context, it spoke of one being "valiant" as who having a "heart like a lion," or one being "like a bear robbed of her cubs." Well, that is what an excellent wife is like.

Ten years ago when I uncovered that meaning of an "excellent" wife (or, "valiant,") it was thrilling and validating for me, because that is the personality trait that I have always wanted and tried to assume. I want to be valiant for God, for my household, my family, my husband, for pursuing after righteousness and Christ.

However, there is another side to being a woman. That is to be a receiver, to be protected, to be provided for and to be loved. Those are qualities that God decided that I needed to learn, so He has been on a mission to teach me some of those womanly traits, whether I felt like I needed to learn them or not.

Earlier today, as well as a few days ago, a funny thing happened. I remembered how I felt when I was falling in love with my husband, and like when I had that airy (or is it air-head), floaty feeling. I didn't merely "remember" how I felt, I like, felt it. For a second or two.

It was like when you smell a flower that you hadn't smelled since you were a kid, and suddenly there you were, in your mind running past the neighbor's house with that bush that smelled that same way a whole lot of years ago.

So too, I was carried back when I unexpectedly felt those flutters of first love again as I was just sitting there thinking about him. "Anyway, but I love him" I caught myself saying as I overlooked something I was ticked off about and there it came. A flush of that gooey lovie-dovie feeling in a real old-fashioned way.

It seems that all these years all I have been trying to do is contain the rage - my rage that is. From time to time while going about life, my husband would think sometimes that I was angry and I wasn't. But really I was, somewhere deep inside. Simmering. Well, it was more like a blazing furnace far, but not so far away.

The fire was with the little wounded girl. The one still there and pissed off as all get-out that you did not and do not rescue her - and YOU COULD IF YOU WERE JUST THE PERFECT HUSBAND AND YOU KNOW THAT YOU COULD BE IF YOU ONLY TRIED BUT YOU DON'T TRY BECAUSE YOU ONLY CARE ABOUT YOURSELF! What good are you anyway? Yeah, that rage.

And so instead of fuming, I'd smile, serve the food and think and pray to myself, "Love must be sincere," and I'd feel God's love flow through me. And so it went on for a whole lot of years, and goes on.

It goes on because of the anxiety and fear which is the gasoline stirring the flames. And you would be anxious too. It is normal for the wounded little girl to be afraid because she had no protector and because of what was stolen. And who was looking out for her now? Was her husband there? How about Superman? Spiderman swinging down from a tall building? A mind-reader perhaps? How about a perfect human being. No, I would have settled for a perfect husband but he never came home nor left in the morning for work. My husband came home instead. He went off to work instead. A regular sort of guy. And I got used to that. Until I felt the feeling, and had the memory and realized that he has attributes that I can receive and enjoy.

I guess I forgot about the fluffy kind of airy feeling that makes you overlook in the first place - overlook all those "little" red flags blowing in the breeze like gigantic "GOING OUT OF BUSINESS" signs waving in the air that are visible two miles down the freeway road. Twenty years later and its like, "Hugh? How could I not see that?"

"Smile Andrea, smile," I said to myself and day after day after year after year the calendar pages rolled away like in movie film that marks off time for the audience. I did things to make it better. I prayed a whole lot. I went on. I endured. I just felt afraid anyway, and now as I looked back over these 23 years together, nothing really bad happened. (Oh, but part of me says, "it could have been a whole lot better and look at the problems you still have now.) God has been so good to us and we are so thankful, so blessed, so rich.

A turning point for me was going on the Alaskan cruise in June. I was so glad that my husband thought that the cruise was fun and that he loved looking out into the Pacific Ocean. I liked it that there was peace and quiet and time to get away and hide into a little room and get all sorts of stuff done. I liked it that there was plenty of things my husband could do about the ship with all of the continuous activites. And no cooking or cleaning! Good food and an exercise gym with work-out classes and a salon/spa!

"Wonderful!" I said to myself and also to him (that is the order of things you know - what I think and want for my own interests and how he lines up to my perspective of the way I want anything that I may want at that moment). Since he liked looking out into the Pacific Ocean, then he can look at it for three and a half months when he takes me on an around-the-world cruise sometime before I die. 2014 is the anticipated - hoped for - year.

Then it hit me. I would only want to go on the cruise with him. I wouldn't want to go alone. I wouldn't want to go with somebody else (unless it was him and also another couple, for example). Humm. I only wanted to go with him.

I realized that I liked his companionship. I liked his companionship. I liked being with him. I'd rather spend time with him. Oh yeah, that is why I used to like him, because I enjoy his company. I'd rather be with him.

It is sometimes easy to forget that I enjoy his companionship for like, all the years between diapers and grown children. Enjoying his company was not actually much of a priority for A LONG TIME.

I still have to schedule my "fun time" with my husband. Seriously, I'm not that much fun. I'm intense and I enjoy that instead. I'm like President Bush, except I only think that I am running the free world. I'm getting into exercising because I found out that it is something I can sort of get intense at. I am trying to become the "ideal" body shape and it sort of pisses me off that it is really a difficult thing to do, but I haven't given up and am getting pretty close. I am frustrated that I consume NutraSweet because I see it as a weakness. "Why can't I be satisfied with pure, healthy spring water (alone) instead?" I am thrilled about the possibility about joining an MBA program for health care executives. WOW! That would be SO COOL! It would be such an intense RUSH to hang out all weekend and take marathon classes one weekend per month. Intense. Got it?

My husband likes it that I'm intense. He likes listening to me at least half of the time, as long as I am not nagging. If I'm talking about one of my planned exploits he has a little boyish grin on his face, as he listens to me with one ear and follows the TV game with the other. I asked him what he thinks about the MBA program, and he thinks that if I want to do it then I can and should. If I want to. He is very relaxed.

I realized recently, that he knows how to bring out the best of me because he is wonderfully encouraging in a quiet and completely accepting way. He is not personally motivated like I am. He enjoys socializing and being spontaneous.

As a grown woman of 44 years that has been married almost 23 years, I realized some things that I have put into order in my mind. Here is the list:

-God is Individually and fully responsible for providing for all of my needs. It is the Father's responsibility to provide for the needs of the children.

I had other stuff written here. But nothing else seemed to matter.

God took care of me years ago when I thought that I had no protector, when the anxiety and the rage came, but God was there because He ultimately did protect me and perserve me and He is making me whole. Additionally, He has woven into my personality attributes that I would not otherwise have. Presently, He is making me whole. He is working everything together for good, because I love God and I am called according to His purpose.

One of the things that He has given me that I wouldn't have otherwise is the ability to know the pain of God, to sympathize with other's pain and to know the pain that God feels over His people. I may not fully know the pain of God, but I can enter into the fellowship of His sufferings and that place is a blessing, believe it or not (Phil 3:7 - 3:14).

"Thank you Father for helping me to enjoy my husband and for teaching me to become a woman in Christ. Thank you for giving me a little hope today that worries about things that I have had for all the years that I've been married, may actually change, because You are the God of hope. Thank You that You have sustained us and I can say like Samuel, 'Thus far the hold has helped us.'" Help me become the woman You made. Help me to enjoy intensity but help me reflect the grace of vulnerability and beauty of resting quietly and calmly in someone else's arms in trust. Lord, You know there are disappointments that I have, but help me to show mercy and not blame. Thank you that You are the God of romantic love. Renew our love as we are approaching our 23rd anniversary this month. Thank You that You bring opposites together so they can wear off on each other a little bit. Show my husband Who You are through me, but may that be only a secondary way of learning for him, because He would seek You for Himself. Reveal Your hope to him, that You are the God of all hope. Show him how he can be all that You meant for him to be, still at this time in his life. Restore the years the locusts stole. Glorify Yourself through our love, through our lives, for Jesus' sake, Amen!"

Valiant Warrior

2006-07-31T07:56:00.000-07:00

"Be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. Take up the whole armor of God..." Eph 6

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. You will not have to fight this battle..."

"Be of good cheer and take heart."

"Though I walk through the valley of the shadow (notice it is only a shadow? It is not death itself that we walk through) of death I will not fear for though art with me. Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me. Surely goodness and mercy will pursue after and chase me (my paraphrase) all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

"It is not by might or by power but by my Spirit says the Lord of Hosts."

Spiritually speaking, the place of my fleshly need as a human, as a girl, as an infant, that place that cries out and desires to be satisfied, to be heard and to be understood is standing in courage upon the rock of the Lord Jesus Christ, like a lion, like a bear, like a brave heart and is standing there, alive and calm, knowing that I have been heard, I have been understood in Christ and I am alive in Him. And He is sufficient. And He is for me.

Meanwhile, the place that my husband as a boy recalls of his embarrassment and shame and humiliation is there now too.

And the girl is not rescuing him from his emotions, or from his own consequences of what he has brought about upon his own head, even though what he has brought about upon his own head, hurts the girls and makes her feel terrified and unprovided for and angry and rageful. But she doesn't respond in her flesh, for she is not a little girl, and in Christ she is provided for and it is the Father's responsibility to provide for all of the needs of the child. And God is doing something bigger for her and for him and she just needs to wait and trust in the Lord. He is purifying her faith, their faith, and is preparing an eternal kingdom and her heavenly reward and dwelling place, and He is watching after these things that concern her. He is testing her and refining her faith and there is no other reasonable way to purify her faith - which is more precious than gold.

So in that brokenness, that brokenness of heart - but not in spirit - she prays and waits for the deliverance of the Father, the One with the helicopter who flies over head everyday looking to and fro across the whole heart to rescue those whose heart are perfect before Him.

And so where there was to be conflict in the marriage there is oneness in Christ and healing and restoration. But this realization is by faith, not by sight. For WE LIVE BY FAITH AND NOT BY SIGHT."

The house built upon the rock is being created as Christ is building foundation beneath us.

May God hold us and bless us today.

God is working through the administration of these things, through these difficult emotions and feelings, or in spite of them, to expand His own territory in us, in our personal lives and in this world to affect the world for Him. God is on His own mission.

So fight for us Father, oh the Lord of Hosts, the King of the Battle, the Victor in warfare. Help us in our meeting today and give us wisdom and calmness and success in implementation. Enable me to stand in the strength of Your might in the shadow of Your wing. Help my husband to learn how he is feeling in this situation and to respond with maturity to how and adult would help a child through it. Grant him wisdom. For I know that You have assigned him certain tasks that you have worked for many years to release from the grip of my cold, clammy and insecure hands. Bring us relief and success, wisdom and calmness and a future and a hope both in this world and the world to come, even while we are not of this world, yet grant us some pleasure and see our weakened state. We would die of sorrow there was not some water in this land of desert that we go through. But may we not wander but march to Your drum beat.

Ebenezer.

"And we know that all things work together for good for those who love God and are the called according to His purpose, for Whom He has called He has also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son." Romans 8

"And we know that in Him we are more than conquers."